Words by

Valur Grettisson

Photo by

Still from 'Captain America: Civil War'

You asked, we answered. So don’t blame us.

Will there be a civil war in the U.S. after the elections?

Short answer: Yes.

How? Captain America will go rouge after Vladimir Putin’s odd experiment on Mr. America’s male ego goes disastrously wrong. Luckily, Spiderman will be able to keep his shit together and fight Captain America by diminishing his strong man character by showering him with white spiderwebs. (No, not that kind of web!)

But what really makes the difference here, and the reason this whole shitshow will end in a nuclear holocaust is that Iron Man will use his law skills to unleash the wrath of Stormy Daniels that will unintentionally create a black hole and move the U.S.A. back 200 years in time. No wait, that has already happened? Or has it? Time travelling is so confusing.

It seems Trump might lose the election. I want to flee the Biden’s liberal hell and the social justice warriors on Twitter. Where should I move?

Now, this is a tough one. If you really hate the fascist liberals—ok, we know, “libtards” as you call them—you don’t have many options. Europe is kind of out of the question, with a few notable exceptions. You could move to the 2020 Polish paradise, where abortion is more or less illegal now. Women are also kind of oppressed there, as well as queer people and if you’re looking for a good indication of a non-liberal paradise, checking how oppressed people are is a good scale.

Or you could go to Hungary, where the government really hates refugees. But the downside here—which you should keep in mind—is that freedom of speech is still a thing in both of these countries (hopefully this will change soon). So if that’s a dealbreaker, you can always go to China. It’s more or less exactly like the U.S.A., except the government is quite open about their hatred of freedom of speech and protest. Oh, and the internet is so heavily censored in the country that you never have to read any of this liberal bleeding heart nonsense. Ever.

But, on the other hand, there is an internet in China. And like all of us that really hate the libtards know, if there is a way, there is a way. So, my advice would be the perfect, non-liberal paradise of North Korea. Not only are you shot for any liberal behaviour, but you are also put in secret prisons for any liberal thoughts. I know, prisons! Perfect, right? (Unfortunately they aren’t private yet, but feel free to work on that.)

Is populism dead?

No. And it never will be. Sorry about that. I’m putting my faith in Stormy Daniels.

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