The longships are loaded, the sails are set, the blades are sharp, and the runes show fair winds for the voyage to Russia. It’s just a couple of weeks until Iceland’s appointment with footballing greatness at the 2018 World Cup. Here’s the latest news from the Icelandic dressing room.
Russia shows nerves
Terrified of the imminent Icelandic invasion of the World Cup tournament, Russia is attempting to ward off the attack through some desperate malarkey. After Iceland joined a coalition of countries that imposed sanctions on Russia following the annexation of Crimea, the Russians are now using their return sanctions as an excuse to stop the importation of meat and mead to feed the horde. Iceland is, of course, undeterred: we will pour off the longships and sprint screaming towards the World Cup trophy cabinet exactly as planned. Russia has some wild boar, so we’ll deploy Emil “The Helmetless” to nut a few into submission for a barbecue. JR
Romero abandons ship
Argentina’s first choice stopper Sergio Romero—a professional bench-warmer at Manchester United—has pulled out of the World Cup. It was announced via Twitter that Romero has suffered a knee injury. However, rumours abound that having been wracked by nightmares about a crushing defeat at the hands of a seething Northmen army under a lightning-riven sky, he sleepwalked violently into a wall trying to escape. Willy Caballero will instead don the gloves, but having recently let in six in a friendly against Spain, it remains to be seen if he’ll survive being blasted by Gylfi’s volcanic free kicks. JR
#SmiteTheWorld shirt unveiled
Both stylish and practical in battle, our new #SmiteTheWorld T-shirt is now on sale. It’s available in Glacier Blue, Terrifying Black and Iceberg White. Not only are they certified dragon-proof, woven by elves, pre-shrunk in Ronaldo tears, and hand-tempered by an Icelandic blacksmith, but every shirt is rumoured to bless the wearer with a loudly amplified battle roar that’s been compared in volume to the sound of ten rampaging polar bears. Our fleet of delivery ravens fly worldwide: order at shop.grapevine.is.
“The Disciple of Doom” boards longboat home
Kári Árnason has abandoned the tropical climes of Aberdeen, catching the longboat back to hometown club Vikingur. He last turned out for the Reykjavík side in 2004, a year that ended with Iceland ranked 93rd in the FIFA World Rankings after being beaten home and away by Scotland in the Euro 2004 qualification campaign. Things have certainly changed since then; Kári is now written into national folklore as the man who crushed Cristiano at Euro 2016, and Berserkirnir okkar are on their way to their first World Cup. There’s still enough miles on Kári’s clock to help send the Vikings to glory, too. GR
Aron “The Unbreakable” trains in Qatar
Iceland’s totemic captain is not one to rest on his laurels. After knackering his knee in a crunching collision whilst propelling Cardiff City into the UK’s Premier League, Aron “the Annihilator” Gunnarsson had to undergo surgery, with his World Cup chances looking shaky. But just weeks later his Instagram story shows him lifting massive weights and hitting the treadmills in a Qatari recovery facility. So things are looking up for Aron to join returning star forward Gylfi Sigurðsson in Iceland’s starting eleven. Let him henceforth be known as Aron “The Unbreakable.” JR
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