As Russia sits buried under unseasonably heavy snow, Iceland’s key players are battling injury, all as Argentina’s players resign the national team en masse to avoid facing Iceland. Here’s the latest news from Camp Smite.
Alfreð the indestructible
Despite being laid low with a terrible wound to his calf this January, Iceland striker Alfreð Finnbogason returned this month and went straight back into the breach. Playing for FC Augsburg in the top German division, he scored a 90th-minute belter to seal a 2-0 win over Mainz. During Alfreð’s absence the club managed to win only two games, and despite spending four months in the healing tent, he remains their top scorer, netting 12 times this season. Some high-grade badassery, we think you’ll agree.
Aron’s screamer and screams
Not one to be upstaged, Icelandic captain Aron Gunnarsson also returned from injury to smash home a spectacular rocket that boosted Cardiff FC’s chances of Premier League promotion. The 75th-minute stunner came when the ball bounced to Aron after a goalmouth scramble; he leapt like a breaching whale and scythed it emphatically into the net. In Cardiff’s next game, Aron was subbed off after ten minutes after again injuring himself, and will now undergo knee surgery. “I’m told if everything goes well I have a good chance of recovering before our first game in Moscow,” said Aron. “Time will make this clear but I am choosing to be positive and optimistic.” We’re optimistic too: World Cup glory is Aron’s certain destiny.
Gylfi raring to go
Since losing their majestic attacking warlord Gylfi Sigurðsson to injury earlier this year, Everton have floundered in the Premier League. Toffees manager Sam Allardyce was grilled about Gylfi’s recovery recently, and said he expects him to smite again for the club before the season ends. Gylfi himself is indefatigable, and would storm the field on crutches given the chance. “I’m not very patient, to be honest,” he said, at a press conference. “I like to get things done quickly… I’ll come back stronger and fitter than ever.” Full-strength Gylfi is a force of nature: be afraid, Argentina.
Argentines crocking themselves
As the horde regains their terrifying strength, Argentina’s star players are fleeing the squad like a sinking ship. Sergio Agüero has channelled his inner Simeone, feigning injury in a pathetic attempt to the Moscow clash on 16th June. Rumours suggest that his unnecessary knee surgery was a far preferable option to facing Iceland in battle. Pale-faced Paulo Dybala and trembling Mauro Icardi have also expressed worries to coach Jorge Sampaoli, who has duly granted them compassionate leave from the national side. Carlos Tevez, meanwhile, went to even greater lengths to miss the battle whilst visiting his brother in maximum security prison, where he allegedly paid an inmate to chiv him in the calf during a kick about.
Russian crops smited by Skaði
In yet another powerful omen of the footballing Ice Age that’s about to arrive, Russia remains unseasonably frigid this Spring. Bloomberg reports that cold weather in the Volga valley has delayed wheat crops by several weeks, according to the Institute for Agricultural Market Studies. Russian villagers have been whispering about sightings of the ancient sorceress Baba Yaga roaming the snowy forests muttering curses about Skaði, the Icelandic goddess of winter. Baba is powerless before the might of the Ásatrú gods: the snow falls relentlessly, burying both football fields, and the feeble hopes of our opposition.
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