In HorrorScopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur vlogger astrologists break down your upcoming weeks based on shit like featured creator badges at TanaCon.
Aries
Lele Pons isn’t funny. Lilly Singh is a bisexual woman of colour. Epstein didn’t kill himself. Some things are just true. So reflect, Aries, what does it really mean that WatchMojo is consistently in your recommended videos?
Taurus
Quitting your job to become an “edgy” YouTuber in the year 2020 is a bold move. Just know that no matter how many Hair Cakes you cook or beers you brew using vaginal bacteria, you will literally never be monetized. Thanks Susan.
Gemini
Stop vaping. You’ll never be a part of the VAPE NAYSH Y’AAAALLLLLLL, but you might die of lung cancer. Still, we appreciate ya. So take the money you save, buy a mobility scooter, and make sure it’s s just the right height—no bucket required.
Cancer
STORYTIME: YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A WHITE NATIONALIST (GETS SEXUAL) 18+
Leo
We know you think your 2020 will be like Shane Dawson’s 2018, and maybe it will be. Only way to know? Chug a Diet Coke and call *cue the music* Erika Costell.
Virgo
Follow your intuition and use the month of February to unsubscribe from Keemstar. Do you really care about a guy who flaunts his friendship with FazeBanks? Uhh… no, thank you.
Libra
Look Libra, we’re not proud of it, but we encourage your fantasies about Alinity. There’s something strangely alluring about a woman who feeds her cat vodka while trying to copy strike Pewdiepie. It’s like BDSM, but embarrassing.
Scorpio
If only you videotaped the time you ate the entire McDonald’s menu alone in your car, Scorpio, maybe then you could have been the next Nicholas Perry. So take this February to practise your mukbang depression-meals. You won’t die alone.
Sagittarius
The hottest drama of 2019 was between Tati Westbrook and James Charles. Sag, stop lying to yourself: You totally got off on watching Charles’s subs fall tens of thousands by the second on Socialblade. Hey, someone call Shane Dawson—I think we found a sociopath!
Capricorn
Capricorn, it’s natural to be confused about where you stand with Pewdiepie. Are you a 9 year old? A 19-year-old? Part of the bro army? Or just a Vox journalist who likes to take quotes out of context and call people Nazis? Well, it doesn’t matter now. Pewdie-bye.
Aquarius
Just accept it: iDubbbz will never come out with a new Content Cop. You’ll just have to make due re-watching “Asian Jake Paul” a thousand times and crying. But look on the bright side: At least you’ve got a chin.
Pisces
Irrelevant.
Buy subscriptions, t-shirts and more from our shop right here!
