Words by

Hannah Jane Cohen

In HorrorScopes, Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists breaks down your upcoming weeks based on shit like planetary orbits.

Aries
You’re just like Tom Bombadil: People often question why the hell you were even included.

Taurus
Remember that scene in ‘The Two Towers,’ where Théoden King, in the face of imminent defeat by the Uruk-hai at Helm’s Deep, looks at Aragon and says, “Let this be the day we draw swords together.” You’ll feel similarly at your new figure drawing class.

Gemini
Pisces is acting like a total dick. Burn down their yard, call the ents, and watch the havoc that ensues.

Cancer
6,000 spears. It was less than half of what you hoped for. Still, it’ll be helpful at your next stick-and-poke tattoo session.

Leo
J.R.R. Tolkien created an entire universe with a theological history, hundreds of characters, multiple languages, and dozens of devastating wars. He then wrote a children’s book about it. Maybe you’re not ambitious enough.

Virgo
Bill the Pony made it home to the Shire from outside Moria. So, too, will you defeat your demons.

Libra
Pippin, the fool of a Took, knocked a skeleton down a well and subsequently woke up every orc in Moria, a cave troll, and a motherfucking balrog. Remember this next time you “Reply All” to an email at work.

Scorpio
For those of you who never actually read the series, in the end, the hobbits return back to Shire only for it to be under martial law by ruffians and Saruman. They then have to stage a revolution by the proletariat and take back control of their homeland. Study up: This will become useful next time your spouse asks you to take out the trash.

Sagittarius
Everyone around you knows you’re out of ideas, because you’re totally ripping off of Icelandic folklore for all of your creative writing assignments.

Capricorn
Faramir is an underestimated character. He had the ring in his grasp and willingly gave it up. No wonder Éowyn fell in love.

Aquarius
In the 21st century, seven seasons of ‘Game Of Thrones’ were gifted to the race of men, who, above all else, desired quality. But they were all of them deceived, for another season was made…

Pisces
Gemini has been pissing you off lately. If they come at you, send a rustic ranger and heir to the throne of some kingdom to seduce them so they will subsequently give up their immortality.

Want a detailed Horror-scope reading? Tweet us your moon sign, blood type and current distance from Kaffibarinn and we’ll do our best to get back to you.