Welcome to The Edda or Whatever, where I’m spilling the tea on Norse mythology. We’re breaking down the Prose Edda, a Medieval Icelandic textbook that also low-key recaps most of what we know about the Norse gods today, but we’re doing it with a little bit of style and a whole lot of sass. (Not to mention ass!) If you’ve ever wondered, “Wasn’t Þórr like the chad of the Norse gods?” (he was) or, “Didn’t Loki get dicked down by a literal horse?” (he did)… Then shut up, I’m getting to it.
Just gods and ends
Okay, so you’ll remember from the last issue that Gylfi is asking three dudes stacked up (hereby lovingly referred to as the throuple) about the Norse gods or whatever. If you don’t remember, it doesn’t matter because I just told you. The throuple launches into this whole-ass list of the Norse gods. Some of them you already know, like Óðinn, because they’ve already mentioned how great he is like a bajillion times. I’m beginning to think they might actually be Óðinn? Let’s find out.
There’s also his son, Þórr, mentioned as the next most important god even though he literally just swings a hammer around and is hot, I guess. He’s giving Ken-ergy. Also, if he’s so important and masc, why isn’t his chariot drawn by something badass, like eagles or wolves? It’s literally drawn by goats. Not GOATs, but the cute little bah-ing babies that are popular in farmcore lesbian TikTok circles. That’s like the old Norse equivalent of a Subaru.
Next is Baldur, whose only characteristic is that he is so white he literally shines. I’ll do him the favor of assuming that’s because of a great Korean skincare routine and not because of any ideology of racial purity. The list includes many gods you’ve definitely never heard of and their identifying traits: Höður is blind, Forseti literally just means “president,” and Viðar is apparently known for his impressive shoe. You know what they say about a god with big shoes… Nothing, because he was otherwise forgotten by history. Sorry, Viðar. Get a personality.
#MeadToo
Don’t worry, we haven’t skipped all the good ones. Njörður and his wife Skaði are most famous for bickering about where they want to live but they must have gotten nasty at least once. They are the parents of Freyr and Freyja, the Norse pantheon’s horniest gods (although hopefully not for each other). Although Snorri doesn’t mention it here, I would like to remind you that Freyja once ho-ed herself out for a pretty necklace. That is not me judging sex work, btw, it’s just a fun fact!
Freyr is a god often depicted with a raging boner. Usually I’m all for that, but this guy is a total Epstein/Weinstein-type. Like so many other powerful and horny men, he abuses his power to further his horniness. One day he spots a giantess named Gerður and thinks she is looking absolutely snatched, so he sends his wingman Skirnir to rizz her up. She refuses but she is forced to marry Freyr anyway. So we’ve got kidnapping, trafficking, and sexual assault. Just guy stuff, amirite? Oh, sorry, I meant “god stuff.”
This must have been pretty normalised back then because Gylfi hears this and just changes the subject entirely, asking what people ate and drank in Valhalla. The throuple explain that they ate the meat of an endlessly regenerating boar and drank infinite mead from the teats of a magic goat. I mean, what was he expecting?
Horse girls gone wild
Then there’s the god we’ve all been waiting for, Loki. He has three freaky children you might recognise: Hel is a goddess, Jörmungandur is a big-ass serpent, and Fenrir is a huge wolf. Óðinn foresees that Loki’s crotch-goblins are gonna stir some shit up later on, he nips that shit in the bud. He promotes Hel into the girlboss of the underworld. (Is it still a glass ceiling if it’s underground?) Then he yeets Jörmungandur into the ocean, where it achieves every man’s dream of autofellatio: it grows so long it can reach its tip with its own mouth.
They challenge Fenrir to break out of some magical harness and even though he’s totally swole, he knows it sounds sus. He only agrees if the god Týr holds his hand in Fenrir’s mouth while they do it. I guess Týr is everybody’s redneck uncle because he’s like, “Hold my beer!” That is how Týr loses his hand and the big bad wolf gets all tied up. That actually sounds pretty kinky if you’re into furry stuff.
But Loki’s other child is my personal fave. Some dude bets the gods that he can build them a fortress by the first day of summer and assuming it’s impossible, Loki convinces them to agree. When the guy is about to win with the help of his magic horse, Loki has to do something. So he turns into a mare, seduces the stallion, and keeps him distracted (more like dick-stracted) all night long. The gods win the bet and as a bonus prize, Loki gives birth to Sleipnir, an 8-legged horse that becomes Óðinn’s steed. Who’d have thought Loki would be the OG MILF? (The M is for “mare,” obviously.)
Morals of the story:
1. All families have their fucked-up shit, even the gods. Actually, especially the gods.
2. Using power to get sex is bad. Really bad.
3. Using sex to win a bet, however, is totally up to you. I hope it’s worth it!
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