From Iceland — #IcelandSmites: Qatar Bows, Tyrants Froth, Óðinn Rages & More

#IcelandSmites: Qatar Bows, Tyrants Froth, Óðinn Rages & More

Published September 27, 2019

Greig Robertson
Photo by
Lóa Hlín Hjálmtýsdóttir

After millenia of scorching heat, a biting cold has engulfed Qatar. Aron Gunnarsson’s relentless typhoon of destruction has the nation quaking in its boots, with scores of the population declaring their allegiance to Al Arabi just to avoid his wrath. But in his absence, the iron fist ruling over Europe has unclenched. Drained of energy, Gylfi and Jói have been ordered to recharge, with the remaining horde forced to pick up the slack. Here’s how they fared in recent weeks:

Aron and Heimir’s EXTREMELY well-oiled machine

Tony Blair and George Bush’s mouths were frothing when they heard murmurings of a weapon of mass destruction in the Middle East. But, to their disappointment, it was actually real–found in Qatar, in the form of Stars League toppers, Al Arabi. Commanded by former Iceland coach, Heimir Hallgrímsson, The Red Devils have excelled this season, thanks mainly to the summer addition of Aron Gunnarsson. The bearded beheader has already scored twice for his new club, who duel with third-placed Al Sadd on September 27th.

PL warlords enter early hibernation
During a recent summoning to Valhalla, Gylfi Sigurðsson and Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson were ordered to conserve their energy for next month’s crunch EURO qualifiers against France and Andorra. All told, Óðinn’s decrees made for a drab weekend in the English Premier League, in which the former sent a spirit in his place to Everton’s 0-2 home defeat to Sheffield United, and the latter sought shelter in his rúgbrauð bunker to avoid selection for Burnley’s 2-0 smiting of Norwich. As part of his gruelling subterranean strength and conditioning program, Jói is obliged to consume 18 loaves of the good stuff per day. Yikes.

Earth to scorch for Rúnar despite United defeat
Rúnar Már Sigurjónsson’s Astana FC narrowly missed out on a famous scalp in their Europa League opener against Manchester United at Old Trafford. Though the Kazakh champions were eventually cut open by a slaloming Mason Greenwood run and finish, they can take plenty of positives from the 1-0 defeat into their remaining first-round fixtures against Partizan Belgrade and AZ Alkmaar. No doubt the Eurasian giants will be looking for inspiration from their Icelandic number 10 to give them a chance of smiting a Champions League reject in the knockouts.

Another civil war brews

But Rúnar Már’s success could come to the detriment of our boys starlet Albert Gudmundsson, whose Alkmaar side secured a 2-2 away draw against Partizan in Group L. They face United next and will be overtaken by the Kazakhs if they fail to win and Astana secure all three points against Partizan at home. The last thing the national team needs is a fight to the death for the runner up spot, so Erik Hamrén has ordered team doctors to remove the pair’s teeth during the next international break.

Finnbo fit and firing

It’s no secret that FC Augsburg’s flirtations with the relegation zone becomes an all-out dry hump when Alfreð Finnbogason is on the treatment table. And this season is no different. Finnbo bagged a crucial assist in the Bavarians’ only win of the season: a 2-1 felling of Eintracht Frankfurt. To retain their Bundesliga status, Augsburg will be as reliant as ever on the Icelandic hitman. For now, they sit in 11th place.

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