The squabbling sewing circle of FIFA have deemed this month, in their continuing infinite wrongness, that the Icelandic national men’s football team are the 18th best side in the world. It’s Iceland’s best ever showing in the FIFA rankings, having risen from 22nd to 20th in January of this year, and means they leapfrog the weaklings of Wales and Sweden into the top twenty footballing nations.
While it might seem impressive that a country of approximately 340,000 people—the 180th most populous country, from 233 in total—would break into this global sporting top twenty, we at Grapevine feel that this ranking is inaccurate. No other team, for example, rides dragons into battle, or has a training routine that includes wrestling hangry bears into submission. No other team has been identified by Solla The Strange as the indisputably destined winner of the 2018 World Cup during a vision quest that took place after she ate a particularly potent Icelandic magic mushroom omelette.
As accursed frozen weather creeps over Russia with the deadly, intractable purpose of a slowly growing glacier, terrified locals are reportedly flying Icelandic flags and leaving offerings of meat and wine at their windows in a vain attempt to appease the Ásatrú gods.
It will not work. The ice age cometh.
Read more about Iceland’s World Cup winning destiny here.
Buy subscriptions, t-shirts and more from our shop right here!