Unsolicited advice from an unreliable advisor

Help is a four-letter verb meaning “to make it easier or possible for someone to do something by offering one’s services, resources, or advice.” So, I have no idea why you’ve come to me for it. But, since we’re here: 

Seeking advice about the future? Problems with lovers? Just have something you need to get off your chest? Call Charlie! 

Parnika asks: Who benefits most from increasing strictness in the Icelandic language in jobs where Icelanders don’t want to work or they are always lacking staff, especially in schools? 

Now Parnika, I answer this question in all seriousness and with the expertise of a person who has no intention of learning Icelandic and is actively trying to forget what little they already know. I suspect somewhere there is a tiny xenophobe. Like a hidden folk but racist. And he is hellbent on shooting himself and everyone else in the foot just to screw over immigrants like us. 

David asks: When Icelandic Campsites cost as much as a stay at the Hilton. Why do the showers cost an extra €3 a minute? 

It’s cuz you naaastyy boyy. You so stimmmky. Grosssss. The rangers at those campsites gotta charge ya extra since you’re standin downwind. No one else is gettin chargeeed that much Daviiiid. They wanttt you to stay stimkyy, das why dey chargin ya. Stimk fetish. 

Steffi asks: Why are vegetables so freaking expensive while Pringles and processed food is way more affordable? 

After the premiere of Áfram Latibær! in 1996, children began consuming “sports candy” (fruits, vegetables, protein powder, etc.) at an incredible rate. This, of course, led to a rise in costs due to increased market demand. To try and steer children away from such rapid consumption, Alþingi introduced the “Glanni Glæpur” initiative, subsidising all shit food. So here we are. Thanks a lot, Magnús Scheving! 

Anonymous asks: Would it be cultural appropriation if I made a mermaid character for fun with Icelandic heritage, but gave her fairy wings? Would a mermaid fairy hybrid be offensive if she were Icelandic? 

Hold on, let me ask the committee. 

Uhuh…ohhh….aaaah…I see 

They say it’s all right! They kinda like the idea in fact—- oh wait. 

Noo…really?…all right…I’ll let them know. 

The name of the creature has to be accepted by Mannanafnanefnd. They don’t care about anything else… 

Oh wait…uhuh?… I’ll ask. 

Do we need permits to hunt this hybrid? 

Scott asks: When is the next beautiful but harmless eruption going to happen again? I miss my volcano livestreams! 

The 12th of November 2025. I’ll make sure of it. Yes, this is a threat. 

Christine asks: The complexity and polarity of humanity: How different people can be so utterly evil and yet others are so loving and thoughtful? 

Christine, this is a really deep and thoughtful question. And I can only hope that you, and everyone reading this, look into their heart and try as much as they humanly can to be thoughtful, loving, and kind to those around them. Then, and only then, can they eat shit. 

Haha! You goddamn bubble-blowing babies. Either get evil or get wrecked. Haha, utterly evil people for the win. Get destroyed, good people. Fuckin’ pansies. 

I hope I was able to help some of you today. It’s hard being the greatest at their job, but someone’s gotta do it. So, if you have a question you’re dying to ask me, check out the Grapevine Facebook or Instagram page and submit your questions. 

Charlie Winters signing off 

Bless Bless 

Need help? Got a hot tip? Want to show us a pic of your cat? Send them our way at grapevine@grapevine.is — we’ll make sure Charlie sees them.