Well, You Asked: Persecution Of Solariums — The Reykjavik Grapevine

Well, You Asked: Persecution Of Solariums

Well, You Asked: Persecution Of Solariums

Published January 9, 2020

Got a problem that needs solving, a burning issue that needs addressing, a matter that needs settling, or a thirst for awesome life advice? We at the Grapevine are here to help.


Is getting a goldfish morally defensible?
– R. Flygenring (Artist, Reykjavík)

According to veganism, no. All exploitation of animals is off the table. If you want a lively pet-something, your options are one of those fly-eating plants, or getting a Tamagotchi off Bland.is. Technically the exploitation of flies is off the table, but since it’s a non-human doing the exploitation you should be ok. 


Can you get pregnant by touching yourself?
– Anonymous (Hairdresser, Reykjavík)

No. 


When did visiting solariums stop being cool?
– Anonymous (DJ, Reykjavík)

1996. This has nothing to do with relative age, the fact that I turned 17 that year is an absolute coincidence.


What is the problem?
– G. Lárusson (Rock star, Hafnafjörður)

The slow disintegration of civil society and the looming eco-armageddon. But then again, you chose your own problems. If you want to be frustrated, make Trump your problem. If you want to be satisfied with the resolution to your problems, go for gardening. It also gives you the darkest winter off. 


I’m haunted by the phrase “don’t be a dick,” as I am truly a “prick,” personality-wise. Do I get points for being the best “knob” that I can be, within the framework of a life lead as a natural “plonker”?
– H. Sigurdsson (Freelance, Reykjavík)

No. Tactlessness can be ascribed to impulsiveness, a personality trait connected to such medically recognised conditions as ADHD. However, flatulence can also stem from medical conditions, and it’s really nothing to be proud of. Except I strongly suspect that these two go hand in hand, now that I think about it. I think that the solution is consent: both for proud fart-makers and lordly weenie-cerebrumites. Clubs can be set up where both kinds of hot air can be exchanged freely, with pleasure.


Our most pressing problem is that coming generations rename things willy-nilly, for example the “súperdós” is now called a large coke in a can. I don’t much think about the generations that are about to leave us.
– H. Hinrichsen (Executive, Reykjavík)

The súperdós was a child of its time. It’s name is now the secret code of people who were teens in the 90s. Not the boomers that are the root of all our problems, and not the snide gen-y shits that can’t tell the difference between us good old people and the bad bad old people. It will, in time, become our secret code, along with quoting such mothballed luminaries as the characters of Friends and HIMYM. Wear the garb of our useless generation with pride. Too young to cause things and probably too old to fix them, we’ll always have the Macarena and súperdós.


Part of my family lives abroad, I meet them maybe twice a year. They enjoy board games. I hate board games. All board games. Only puzzles are worse than board games, and some of them enjoy puzzles just as much, but this is not our current problem.
Anyway. There is a lot of pressure on me to play board games during holidays. What is the best way to spend time with the families, without playing board games, without offending anyone?
– R. Flygenring (Artist, Reykjavík)

Change the subject a lot. Read up on celebrity gossip. If someone suggests Trivial Pursuit, get into a super granular description of the current state of the Jennifer Aniston—Brad Pitt reconciliation, its moral ramifications, and the entire family-tree of past relationships, including the Angelina Jolie—Billy Bob Thornton era. If they persist, you just move up a generation, focusing on say John Aniston or Jon Voigt, or go into the relationships in their film and TV roles. The Ross and Rachel affair, seen through the lens of modern feminism is sure to make everyone forget completely about Monopoly, and if you keep it up long enough they will be very willing to drop the conversation and go do something that you enjoy, like cross-country skiing, or leafing through your stamp collection.


Send your unsolvable (UNTIL NOW) problems to grapevine@grapevine.is or tweet us at @rvkgrapevine.

 

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