Words by

Freyr Thorvaldsson

Photo by

Emma Ledbetter

The subtle art of getting money for nothing

The Reykjavík Grapevine, concerned about the sad financial state of our readership, has magnanimously commissioned a series of free business ideas. Too busy to pursue these ideas ourselves, we scatter them before you, dear reader, like glinting crowns. It is for you to pick them up.  

The process of moving money from the faceless tourist mass into more deserving pockets has proved more elusive than initially thought. Most tourists won’t part with their cash for just any reason; it seems that one must give them something in return. This is most vexing to the would-be mogul, seeing all those moneyed people just walking around, unsheared.  

But lately we’ve had something of a tactical breakthrough. Around the country, plucky landowners have found a scheme which combines technology with their patches of land to get money for nothing. It’s an old concept, newly newborn: the paid parking lot.  

Waterworld 

Iceland has a wonderful way with water. It seems to fall down in different and exciting configurations. In the Blue Lagoon you can soak in it, mindfully, sexily. Some water gets so hot it even shoots up after five minutes of bubbling and heaving. Some of it has been frozen for a while and is so big it moves under its own weight, melting into pretty lagoons. Finally, there is the ocean itself, lapping unpredictably against the black sands of Vík.   

This trickling water was heard around the world. Soon after, squadrons of passenger jets landed in Keflavík, and out came the GORE-TEXed horde. They climbed into rental cars and drove off, touring the country, stopping at waterfalls and at geysers and at beaches and at yet more waterfalls. 

Two million bladders per year 

Suddenly everyone in Iceland had opinions about roadside infrastructure. Bathrooms were in great demand, as waterfalls have a wonderful way of inspiring the bladder. Railings needed erecting in key spots, to stave off pitiless gravity. Buildings needed favourable financing, so more money could be extracted via gift shops and canteens; that magical place where every day hundreds are introduced to the plastic-wrapped pepperoni taco sandwich — the unacknowledged height of Icelandic culinary art. 

Needless to say, someone had to pay for all this, and who better than the foreigners themselves? Before you could say “hot spring” the parking ticket machines went up.  

Progress marches on 

With time this system evolved. In some parking lots there were no ticket machines at all. They had instead been replaced by an app, along with cameras to enforce compliance. In one instance, if you didn’t pay up within four hours the parking charge would multiply fourfold. 

This automatic enforcement was a stroke of genius. No longer must we reduce profits by paying a loathsome youth to write tickets and argue with tired mothers on day three of the most expensive family vacation of their lives. In comparison to a meatsack, the automatic process can not be intimidated. It shows no mercy. The cameras parse the license plates; tears are only waste data. As long as the cars are parked, the money flows. 

Do it at home 

So we are really in business here. These lots rake in the money. The late payment fines ensure people pay quickly, and they raise the average profit per car in a pleasing way, as many people do not have mobile internet — especially when they travel — and many people are simply forgetful. Nice.  

So, without further ado, here are the steps you must take to set up your own parking lot money printer: (1) Own a piece of land adjacent to natural beauty. (2) Clear a patch for parking. (3) Install cameras and signs. (4) Charge the cars that stop lots of money. 

Notice that there is no step five. You don’t actually need to use the money to fund amenities. That was just the excuse to begin with, an excuse long forgotten: now you just provide the parking and pocket the money.  

Losers intervene 

Except, lately, all the losers of the land seem to have come out of the woodwork. In June this year, The Consumer Agency issued fines to four gallant companies in the parking business, stating that their signage was insufficiently clear about pricing and late fees. Newspapers have even besmirched this elegant system of wealth creation, going as far as to imply that providers of paid parking lack scruples.  

It is sad that we’ve reached such a low cultural moment that everything must be spelled out.  Nothing is left to the imagination. Must companies be so obscenely base as to state the perfectly obvious at every turn? Sadly the answer seems to be yes. Understatement and nuance are no longer valued, as they once were.  

Keep this sad fact well in mind as you construct your parking lot empire. The signage should be as clear as you can make it. Do that right, and watch the money pile in. 

Tired of eating gruel for every breakfast, lunch and dinner, hunched over in your tiny hovel? Tired of avoiding the trusting eyes of your loyal but hungry dachshund, Poppy? Look no further than to Freyr’s business newsletter: freyr.substack.com — where the winners make the big bucks.