#IcelandSmites: One Minute To Midnight On World Cup Doomsday Clock

As the world footballing community shivers with anxiety at the forthcoming Icelandic onslaught, things have been pretty chill at Camp Iceland. When you’re definitely going to win, there’s no need to lose your shit. When you’re definitely going to be smited, however… well, that’s different.

Aron would play on bloody stumps
It was the moment we’ve all been waiting for. At a recent press conference today at the Icelandic Football Association (KSÍ) headquarters, Heimir Hallgrímsson—dentist, drawbridge destroyer, man-mangler, and manager of Iceland’s national football team—announced the final 23-player raiding party that will soon set sail for Iceland’s appointment with destiny at the Russian World Cup. It was with some relief that the assembled media scribes saw the names of Iceland’s injured but talismanic star players Aron Einar Gunnarsson and Gylfi Sigurðsson flash up on the screen. Heimir revealed that Gylfi is back in training, and happily wrestling crazed polar bears on the top of Eyjafjallajökull. He’s also been in daily contact with Aron, who confirmed he would even play on his bloody stumps were both his legs to be cleaved off in battle. So a little operation definitely won’t stop him. JR

Albert’s terrifying screech
They were joined by many of the heroes of Euro 2016, and some young warriors who’ve edged their way into Heimir’s considerations with impressive cameos in Iceland’s recent smash-and-grab invasion of the Americas. Eyebrows were raised at the exclusion of seasoned striker Kolbeinn Sigþórsson—Iceland’s second-highest goalscorer of all time (after Eiður Guðjohnsen) with 22 goals to his name, including a fateful strike to knock out the preening millionaires of England at Euro 2016. However, Kolbeinn has been out injured since 2016, and with no guarantee of him recovering in time for Russia, he was confined to the reserves camp. 20-year-old striker Albert Guðmundsson made the cut instead, with Heimir praising the insane stripling berserker’s unquenchable bloodlust, armour-piercing shots, and high-pitched battle screech, which is rumoured to make opposition goalies’ eardrums explode as he unleashes each and every flaming goal-bound stunner. JR

Knock-off Nigels revel as KSÍ fumes
Meanwhile, the Iceland football association have fallen victim to their own success before the World Cup has even begun, as cheap knock-offs of the new “Blood Up to the Shoulders” shirt threaten to undercut KSÍ’s cash cow. While the official jersey will set genuine Iceland freaks back a hefty 12,000 ISK, disgraceful, disingenuous frauds can purchase the fakes for as little as 1,600 ISK. As previously reported, Iceland’s kit manufacturer Erreà Sport has committed to using materials that “don’t release the harmful or cancer-causing substances which are often used to lower production costs,” so, if you literally don’t want to chalk years off your own existence, buy Icelandic. Well, Italian. GR

Lily-livered Argentina have previous
Finally, a lesson from the annals of history. It was 1990; a time when pills were ten-a-penny and the Icelandic youth were running riot. But as Reykjavík was gurning its proverbial face off, World Cup holders Argentina were slumping to defeat against stark underdogs Cameroon in their June 8th Italian World Cup opening game. After François Omam-Biyik’s 67th-minute header secured a famous win, Les Lions Indomptables would go on to reach the Quarter Finals, eventually being knocked out against the simpering babies of Bobby Robson’s England. In Russia, the odds will be similarly stacked against Iceland, but the current raiding party is hardly averse to a major scalp. Even if things don’t go Iceland’s way, they can always channel their inner Benjamin Massing to stop fleet-footed prima donna Lionel Messi in his dainty Bambi-like tracks. GR

Read more about Iceland’s indisputable World Cup-winning destiny here.