Well, You Asked: Becoming A Biscuit

Got a burning question? In desperate need of advice? We at the Grapevine are here to help.

How do I reach my full potential?

There is an age old legend that hard work and determination are what’s needed for us to reach our full potential. But I’ve tried it and from my experience it takes a long time and is mostly boring and frustrating. So my advice to you is to take inspiration from the humble caterpillar. The caterpillar reaches its full potential after spending a considerable amount of time basically doing nothing. Nestled up like a burrito in a cocoon, sleeping its way through life until, eventually, it emerges as a beautiful fully formed butterfly. Which just goes to prove that you can achieve an awful lot without any effort. So go ahead and grab all your blankets and just…have a long sleep. You’ll wake up refreshed, beautiful and in your final, potential-filled form.

I think my cat prefers biscuits to me. What should I do?

First of all, I’m so sorry. I know how heartbreaking it is when your undying love for a cat isn’t reciprocated. I can think of three possible solutions for this. 1. Always be eating biscuits. Your cat will act as if full of love and devotion, even if it is just to cheat you out of treats. 2. Formulate a biscuit scented perfume and wear it every day. 3. Make yourself into biscuits. Yes it’ll hurt. But the pain will be worth it when your cat finally gives you the undivided attention you crave. Perhaps try 1 and 2 first, and resort to 3 only as a final, desperate attempt if all else fails. There’s no going back once you’ve made yourself into biscuits.

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