Well, You Asked: Switching Babies With A Cooler Couple

You’ve got questions. We’ve got inflated-confidence. Here’s your weekly dose of Grape-vice.

What would Meatloaf NOT do for love? I am confused.

Ah, the age-old question. We reached out to Meatloaf, a notorious (potential) Grapevine fan and unconfirmed High-Five Club member, and all he would say was off the record. But, based on our general impression of his demeanour, it was “not wear a mask” or “break lockdown guidelines” or “be closer than two metres to someone outside of his bubble.” You heard it here, folks.

Rudy Giuliani: Great guy after 9/11. But could it be that now he has a brain tumour the size of a lemon in his head that has altered his personality and made him go a bit wonky?

Maybe, but we’re not medical professionals. For more well-researched and trustworthy advice, we’d recommend reaching out to your local Moms group on Facebook.

I think my baby got switched in the hospital. What should I do?

Ok, bit of a weird feeling, but we have a niggle it might just be wishful thinking.

Why? Knowing your genes, your baby would have been a total dud, and isn’t your kid already weirdly cool for a two-year-old already? You know it. We know it. Your paediatrician knows it. Literally, everyone knows it.

Our advice? Thank your lucky stars that some idiotic nurse snatched up some sick af baby and left your loser spawn with the Olympic award winners and human rights lawyers that are no doubt struggling with its inevitable love of the Dave Matthews Band right now.

How do I make sure I get vaccinated before anyone else?

Pull a D.B. Cooper and pretend you’ll bomb the vaccine place if you don’t get one. Then, after you get your shot, reveal that you never had a bomb in the first place and that this was all an elaborate performance art piece to illustrate the illustrious desperation that the pandemic has unleashed on us. Cue the VICE articles and fame.

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