Meet the Smiters: Ragnar “Shaggy Breeches” Sigurðsson

Ragnar Sigurðsson is a burly blockade at the rear-end of strákarnir okkar (“our boys”), and a fierce defender of national pride. As a living reincarnation of his Viking namesake, Ragnar “Loðbrók” (“Shaggy Breeches”) Sigurðsson, this modern-day Ragnar is supposedly so patriotic that as part of his recent transfer, he insisted new club FC Rostov serve a ‘Viking’ option in the club canteen. At lunchtime on his first day, the smell of putrefied skate pervaded the club grounds and was judged to be so disgraceful that four of his teammates handed in transfer requests.

“As part of his master plan to establish a global Norse theocracy, Ragnar suggested that Queen Elizabeth II should be replaced by Þór.”

Carving out his career at Fylkir, Ragnar then raided around Scandinavia, first for IFK Göteborg in Sweden, then Copenhagen in Denmark. In 2014, he moved to Russian club Krasnodar and after notching the equaliser in Iceland‘s unholy 2-1 smiting of England at Euro 2016, he invaded the nation by signing for Fulham. As part of his master plan to establish a global Norse theocracy, Ragnar suggested that Queen Elizabeth II should be replaced by Þór as a mythological head of state, but was grassed up by Scott Parker and exiled to Russia again with Rubin Kazan.

It would be naive to suggest that Ragnar‘s time in Russia is a mere coincidence, though, given his reputation as a political schemer. Having embedded himself in the Russian psyche, it will be the “Kings Of Skulls’” job to twist the knife when the time comes, which—considering Russia’s penchant for unsportsmanlike conduct in recent years—will probably have to be in the World Cup final.

Age: 31
Hometown: Reykjavík
Club: FC Rostov
Position: Centre back
Special Skills: Leading sieges, preaching, skewering attackers, liking rotten fish
Nicknames: ‘Shaggy Breeches,’ ‘The Righteous,’ ‘King Of Skulls,’ ‘The Arch Machiave’

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