Destination Vacation: Charlie’s Packs Some Sun Cream & Hits The Road

A local masseuse tends to a far richer customer who’s lying comfortably in a shezlong. The wind sends faint ripples across a shimmering swimming pool that someone just peed in. Distant seagulls can be heard attacking a small child — probably yours. You take a big swig of a fruity mocktail, and the umbrella gets caught in your nose. You’ve been waiting for this all year. It truly is paradise.

“Icelanders have certain proclivities when it comes to how they choose to spend their summers.”

Hi, Charlie here, and if you’re like me you’re probably on vacation as we speak (or at least dreaming of going on vacation and if so, I am so sorry). But what you may not have realised is that Icelanders have certain proclivities when it comes to how they choose to spend their summers. Staycation isn’t an option on this blasted rock. We just went through another dark and dismal winter and I want out! And if you’re going on vacation, there’s one thing standing in your way — Keflavík Airport, my arch-nemesis.

The airport is a reasonable distance from the capital. But it’s still in fucking Keflavík! Do you know what they have in Keflavík besides the airport? I don’t. And then you have to go through security and dear god. Let me tell you, “þetta reddast” will only last until a man in an ill-fitting security uniform shouts “laptops out of the bag!” I swear that anyone hearing that phrase will immediately start worrying that all the cocaine that they do not (and will never) have on them is about to be discovered. But eventually, you get onto a plane, pray it’s not a Boeing, pray again that the airports don’t get Y2Ked for a third time — then you’re off.

Anywhere beginning with “T”

There are many destinations to choose from. You can go to Tenerife, Turkey, or another place that starts with a T. Impoverished locales make for cheap tourism. And while it’s true that Icelanders don’t have many beaches to choose from, they have absolutely no choice regarding how sunburnt they will get. Sunburnt is a given. We live in a country where sun doesn’t exist, and we’re going to fucking Tenerife. We’re gonna be back looking like a radish.

Sun aside, there are many advantages to being Icelandic when travelling. The pool culture, for example. We who inhabit the rock of the North have a refined view of the potential held within a swimming pool, and as such, we have a social, ethical, and divine obligation to complain about the lack of swimsuit dryers and heated pools at this five-star hotel. ‘Cause who doesn’t love complaining about how things are way better back home? And the second that thought enters reality, you will hear a very familiar sound…

Pretend to like it

You could go to the middle of Tibet only to hear a complete stranger speak on the inhale. Because for some unholy reason, despite having a population of 350.000, we will always run into each other abroad. Not only that, we’ll have to pretend to like it. While we’re shy on our best days, the last thing we want while abroad is a reminder of home.

And yet, we like it back home. Summer is beautiful in Iceland. The sun shines all day and all night, the weather is nice and cool… but it’s at that very moment that we’ll choose to go to some Mediterranean country that’s going through a heatwave. Then, of course, we’ll stay in Iceland for the entire winter. Seasonal depression is our national sport, and we’ll be damned if we’re gonna miss out on our share of the eternal darkness.

Wish you were here!

Love, Charlie

Read more of Charlie’s musing here.