QUIT BEING SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE ALREADY, YOU GODDAMN COCK!

Ah. It was a wonderful Menningarnótt. It could have been any night, but it was Menningarnótt. Fresh from seeing Ólafur Elíasson reveal his grand light-show façade thing down by Harpa and also fresh from drinking several gallons of beer, I decided to pay my friends on Skólavörðustígur a visit, you know, to act all cultured and discuss all the wonderful culture I had witnessed throughout that big day of culture.

Skólavörðustígur, it should be noted, had like fifteen port-a-potties installed for the event of Menningarnótt. Because by now, everyone knows you’re a fucking uncivilized barbarian that cannot be trusted to think any further than your tiny fucking penis (also, fuck you, you fucking fucker).

OK. So I trudged through an ocean of broken glass and discarded food containers (SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK! ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE FUCKING BRAINDEAD!) to reach my friends’ house in the middle of Skólavörðustígur. They are family people. They have two young kids and an older kid that probably counts as a teenager). I mean, I am thirty fucking million years old by now, people I know have kids and are respectable and stuff.

As I’m entering their house, I pass a motherfucker and his group of friends standing in my friend’s yard. I’m all like: “Hey motherfucker, whatchoo doing hanging out in my friend’s yard?” And said motherfucker responds: “What’s it to you, cock-ass!” At which point I get disgruntled. Because I can clearly see the motherfucker pissing in my friend’s yard. And I know his kids. His kids are eight-year-old boys who love playing in that yard. That motherfucker had entered my friend’s yard and was pissing all over my friend’s kids’ playground while his other brain-dead dumbass fucking friends cheered him on (these weren’t street people or horrible teenagers. They all looked like they worked in banks and shit. These were civilized motherfuckers. Fuck them. God hates all of you).

I ask: why are you pissing in my friends’ yard. The response is: “What the fuck, motherfucker, it’s not like I’m breaking a law here.” And I’m like: “The hell you are! It’s against the law to piss in people’s gardens! What the fuck!” To which he replies: “Whooooo… what are you going to do, call the cops on me?! Tell me where it says that this is illegal”
ANYWAY. I eventually just went: “Whatever, you fucker, fuck you!” before going inside and talking to my friends. But this got me super disgruntled. I mean really: WHAT THE HELL!?!?! Why do we continue to treat 101 Reykjavík like it is a… well I don’t even understand what we’re treating it like? It’s weird and annoying.

This is a nation’s capital. It’s your capital, if you are a citizen and reading this. It’s a place where people live and work. Children actively hang out there. Why do you insist on strewing your broken glass and bodily fluids and assholery all over it? It’s expensive and stupid and you fucking suck, you asshole. Stop it!

So. Anyway. Urinating in public, much like littering or disturbing the peace, is a violation of police regulations in the capital area. So we called up the police to see if they were aware of the problem and whether they were doing anything about it.
“This was really a big problem three years ago; we received a lot of complaints about people being loud, peeing in public, breaking glass, and scandalising,” capital area police spokesperson Gunnar Rúnar Sveinbjörnsson told me. “The police targeted the problem, spending a few weekends in a row ticketing people for these offences.”

Since that effort was made, Gunnar said the problem has improved but it hasn’t disappeared. “I don’t buy the argument that there aren’t enough toilets downtown, though I haven’t counted them,” he said. “It’s simply bad judgment. People do all kinds of things when they are under the influence.”

The way he sees it, urinating in public is a constant problem that the police have to try to keep at bay. But we’re wondering why this problem won’t disappear already? Not only is the offence punishable by a 10.000 ISK fine (which becomes a two-day prison sentence if not paid), but it’s also just incredibly LAME.