Meet The Smiters: Birkir Már “The Steriliser” Sævarsson

Birkir Már Sævarsson is ever-present in Berserkirnir Okkar’s rearguard. He’s a fully certified bore-draw fanatic, as spindly as he is ravenous for keeping clean sheets.

Birkir Már spends his free time re-watching Greece’s excruciatingly dull road to the Euro 2004 title, pondering Otto Rehhagel’s dreary tactics over a glass of warm lamb’s blood. His only indulgence comes at the weekend when he attempts to grow the followers of his YouTube channel dedicated to Tony Pulis’ greatest noughties shutouts.

At club level, Birkir Már has always stayed fairly close to home, beginning his career for hometown club Valur, before moving onto Norway with Brann and Hammarby in Sweden.

“He’s a fully certified bore-draw fanatic, as spindly as he is ravenous for keeping clean sheets.”

Now back with Valur, some have suggested that “The Steriliser” is required to be within three hours away from Reykjavík at all times in order to properly maintain his Snow Patrol shrine.

Where international football is concerned, nobody is exactly sure when Birkir Már made his debut for Iceland (historians have speculated it came as early as 1973) but one thing for certain is that he has elite pedigree. At Euro 2016, for example, he pocketed Cristiano Ronaldo and Raheem Sterling and purposefully scored an own goal against Hungary, only so that he could deny forward Dániel Böde the pleasure of notching a last-gasp equaliser.

After playing the entirety of the Euro 2016 campaign, Birkir Már will be hoping to go 240 minutes further this time around in Russia. After all, winning the World Cup in normal time guarantees goals, which would force “The Laundryman” to pull out his EpiPen to prevent himself from going into anaphylactic shock.

Age: 33
Hometown: Reykjavík
Position: Right-back
Club: Valur
Special skills: Soul-sapping man-marking, being physically allergic to flair, rising to the occasion
Nicknames: “The Steriliser,” “The Laundryman,” “Lockout Lookout,” “The One Who Knocks”

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