Horror-Scopes: Valentine’s Day

Welcome, lovers! It’s February, aka lurrrrve month, and your favourite Grapevine mystics have dutifully donned our cupid costumes in order to romantically shoot you with arrows of adoration! Also, real arrows! Sorry, that probably hurt a lot! Anyway, while you wait for the ambulance to arrive, take the time to read on and discover which horoscope hottie you should try your luck with once you’re bandaged up.

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
Damn, Capricorn, have you been working out? Working out how to process your complex childhood trauma and operate in society as a fully functional adult, that is. Because if you haven’t, you really should.

Ideal date: Taurus, but only on Wednesdays.

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Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
This is your year to replace that dating app profile photo of you holding a fish, biting the medal you got for finishing a marathon, or holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa with … literally anything else. Holy crap, no wonder you’re single.

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
There’s plenty more fish in the sea, and unfortunately you’re one of them. Get back in the water, loser.

Aries: March 21st – April 19th
If you honestly believe that you should pursue a romantic relationship with a co-worker, ask yourself this: are you ready to see this person every single working day, eight hours a day, when you’re at your most stressed and miserable? No? Then maybe don’t pursue it. Or quit your job and then ask them out.

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
Your approach to love-making has been described as being like ‘a bull in a china shop,’ but luckily your partner is also a cow and adores breaking shit, so have at it, Taurus.

These people are getting married because they believe in true love, unlike you, you cynical shmuck.

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
A word to the wise: no matter how lonely you are, it’s always going to be better than installing Grindr. This app will not only exacerbate your loneliness, it will make you run to the nearest monastery and take a lifelong vow of celibacy, silence and vegetarianism.

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
Bars have finally reopened and you’re making the most of it. Okay, so perhaps you’re a little too merry. After roaring at the DJ for not playing Careless Whisper on repeat, you escape to the bathroom for a tactical chunder. From the stall next door, you hear the dulcet tones of someone also spewing their ringer with healthy vigour. Your heart skips a beat as you carefully vomit your phone number onto some toilet paper to slide under the partition. Your phone lights up immediately. Love at first puke.

Avoid: the colour yellow, AT ALL COSTS.

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
Is it really a polycule if you don’t use a spreadsheet to manage your free time?

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
The most depressing thing about watching Verbúðin is confronting the fact that even people in the Westfjords are having more sex than you.

Swipe right on: Libra, Leo and Lonely Single Mothers.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
Are they flirting with you? Or are you just so not used to any kind of positive feedback that even the most innocuous compliment seems like a romantic come-on? Love yourself, Libra. You’re an absolute catch. The people that matter will see that.

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
We looked up the word ‘love’ in your dictionary and it wasn’t there because you’d torn the page out and eaten it and were subsequently laughing maniacally. What the fuck, Scorpio.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
Sapphic love is 90% arguing about who’s going to buy the other one dinner. The other 10% is eating snacks and watching Adventure Time together in bed.