Sour Grapes & Stuff: Issue 2, 2015

Say your piece, voice your opinion, send your letters to: letters@grapevine.is

The Loveliest Letter!

Hi,

My name is Joe. Me and my partner William are trying to fund a trip to Iceland to photograph the beautiful country. We are both teenagers and we will make this trip in June 2016. We know that if we show our photographs of cool places in Iceland on social media, like Instagram, it will really help people in America want to go there. We have a lot of followers.

We were wondering if you would support us. We have a website for people to donate. If you help us we will tag you in our posts and we will make sure people know you helped us.

To see our photographs, visit http://instagram.com/joe_goldberg and http://instagram.com/thetufftruffle. We will have a lot more followers when we travel in 2016.

Thanks so much,

Joe Goldberg

Hi Joe,

Thank you for your letter.

You guys are totally adorable.

We looked at your pledge page. It is totally adorable (your Instagram accounts: also adorable). And you are right; the food in Iceland is different than most other places. You also seem very sensible in your assessment of the risks and challenges your project faces. Unanticipated global challenges can be a bitch to deal with.

To deny you of the $5,500 you seek to fund various pieces of camera equipment, hotel rooms,  food, airfare and a rental car would be a crime against adorability and millennials everywhere.

And as writers of this issue’s loveliest letter, you already have a cool t-shirt waiting when you get here! Fancy that!

Good luck, you adorable rascals!

Your Friends At The Reykjavík Grapevine

—

Hello Grapevine,

I’ve read so much about your beautiful country and I’m finally taking the plunge: I BOUGHT A PLANE TICKET.

Here in Alberta, I live next to a stable of horses, not RIGHT next to it, but, you know, I can see their stupid long faces from my living room. It’s like having bad folk-art hung up that constantly changes but is never anymore interesting.

I hate them.

I can’t sit in my living room with the curtains open or they just stare at me: deep into my eyes. They stand perfectly still as I walk to my car in the morning, but right before I close my car door, one of them farts and they all whinny. I assume this horse laughter because they are too stupid or incapable of actual laughter.

In my country, if I kill one of these horses–you know, send a message–I’ll probably go to jail, or, at least, whoever ends up taking the blame for me.

However, I read that in Iceland you eat horse meat.

I’m only staying for 48 hours in Iceland before returning home. I couldn’t really get anytime off work (It’s the middle of the year and the last person in my job blew the free-holidays-perk). I would like to know if there are any do-it-yourself butcher shops? Or maybe some-sort-of horse safari?

I’m going to say it flat out: I’m coming to Iceland. I have 48 hours. I want to kill a horse.

I have too much equine-directed rage in me to continue to govern effectively.

Did vikings used to kill horses by hand as a display of their strength and the sharpness of their teeth? I think I read that somewhere. That would be my ideal method for dispatching them, but, really, as long as there is one less horse on earth because of me, I’m good.

See you soon,

Jim Prentice

P.S. I want one of those christmas-sweater-things you all wear. It said on Huffington Post that buying from the people who actually knit them is more ethical. Are the 10-times more expensive if I have to pay them directly, though? I would like to be ethical, but I my bank balance can’t be take too much of a dent in the process, you know?

Dear Jim,

Thank you for your letter, and thanks for being a reader, too.

Unfortunately, all the horse-hunting safari tours and DIY butcher shops are closed for the winter (murdering horses in cold blood, with your bare hands, is considered more of a summer activity – do check out www.horsecarnagetours.is if you ever plan a summer sojourn).

Since you seem to have a hearty and immediate bloodthirst to quench, might we suggest you slaughter some endangered whales instead? Those guys are just as cute, and they sure do bleed if you use the proper tools. The best part: whales are super smart, smarter than humans even, so they’ll definitely give you a proper run for your money (but don’t worry, they are a trusting lot, so you can always trick them if you don’t feel like engaging in a prolonged chase. An alternative if you’re not down for a challenge would be to go after the baby whales. They are twice as cute and four times as trusting, although they yield considerably less tasty whale flesh). Try www.diydeathtours.is and www.harpoonmurderfun.is for appointments and price quotes.

If you hurry, you could even wash down some of that yummy endangered whale blood with a pint of whale testicle infused beer that’s being sold over here at the moment for some reason.

As for the Christmas sweaters: we applaud your ethical stance. Try Handprjónasamband Íslands for some great quality, ethically sourced sweaters.

Ethically yours,

Your Friends At The Reykjavík Grapevine