The Saga of Hrómundur Gripsson

I’m gonna skip all the “son of blahblahblahson” bullshit and get straight to the juicy man-meat of this Saga. Okay? Okay. Long intro short some pretty little rich boy named Hrómundur is out raiding with King Ólafur of Denmark. He gets word of a nearby tomb, dank with riches and haunted by the spirit of an evil king. Aristocrat as he is, he’s like, “Ooooooh even mooooore money!” So he finds it and breaks in.

Pussy pussy pussy marijuistletoe

The spirit sits on his throne and watches Hrómundur pilfering all his shit until Hrómundur starts to taunt him, something like, “Whatcha gonna do about it, pussy? Huh? Pussy?” Þráinn, the ghost, says Hrómundur won’t get away with it but sits there on his fat, ectoplasmic ass anyway. So Hrómundur is like, “Puuuuuusssssssssyyyyy! Pussypussypussypussypussy!”

The ghost is like, “Well, okay, I guess, but only since you called me a pussy.” Then they wrestle. You know, just guy/ghost stuff. Just as Hrómundur is winning, the ghost transforms into a troll and uses his troll talons to tear the flesh from Hrómundur’s back all the way down to his ass, which is a shame because I imagine Hrómundur had a mad juicy booty. Hrómundur overcomes him nonetheless and kills him with his own sword, named Mistletoe. Unfortunately this is not the kissy kind of mistletoe, it’s the stabby kind. Hrómundur is now not only rich, but also famous.

Helgi frozen over

Hrómundur cozies up to King Olaf’s sister Svanhvít and it’s safe to say she wants his D. The king has two evil advisors, totally Jafar-status from ‘Aladdin’. They have started a rumor that Hrómundur intends to betray the princess and so Olaf has him expelled from the court. Then two kings from Sweden both named Hadding randomly come along with a guy named Helgi, the brother of a guy Hrómundur killed earlier and I skipped over because you totally don’t care. They challenge Olaf to a battle on a frozen lake and Olaf asks for Hrómundur’s help. Naturally, he laughs his formerly-juicy-now-tore-the-fuck-up booty off and says the Jafars got the king’s back instead.

But Svanhvít comes and asks him to help her brother and gives him a magic garter to wear that will protect him, so he agrees to go. As soon as the battle starts, one of the Jafars dies but the other is nowhere to be seen. Helgi’s girlfriend Kara is a witch who takes the form of a swan, flying over the battle casting spells to prevent the Danish army from protecting themselves, allowing Helgi to kill all of Hrómundur’s brothers before mocking him for wearing the Svanhvít’s garter, which Hrómundur takes off because masculinity or some shit.

When Hrómundur steps up to fight him, Helgi accidentally stabs his own girlfriend-bird to death, breaking the spells against them. Hrómundur slices Helgi in half with Mistletoe but not before his own belly is slashed open. He uses his knife to poke his guts back in and sews himself back up before continuing to fight. Suddenly the missing Jafar shows up and knocks Mistletoe into the lake but Hrómundur just snaps his neck NBD. Then Hrómundur is sad about his wounds and the deaths of his brothers, but he’s mostly sad about his sword because y’all know how much rich people value material objects over human life, right?

Dream big

Some local peasants take Hrómundur in to treat his wounds and even fish his sword back up for him. When the Haddings have the peasants’ house searched for Hrómundur, they disguise him as a serving maid. He passes the winter there. Meanwhile, back at the Haddings’, one of their men named Blindur the Evil tells the king that he had a dream that a wolf bit the king. Hadding says it means that a king will come and bring peace after violence.

Then Blindur won’t shut the fuck up about his dreams. He says he had a dream about a naked bird, a dream about pigs, a dream about a giant, a dream about a serpent wrapped all the way around Sweden, that there is a serpent in the peasants’ house,  and some other dumb shit. Then Blindur says he had a dream about an iron ring around his own neck and Hadding tells him this means he’ll be hanged to death and they’re both gonna die. Then Hrómundur shows up with the Danish army and guess what, they kill the king and hang Blindur. Surprise, bitch! Then Svanhvít’s dreams come true too because she marries Hrómundur and finally gets the sweet, sweet D of her desire.

Morals of the story:
1. Rich people do not have emotions.
2. Don’t be a cock-blocker.