Well, You Asked: Drive Yourself To The Brink Of Despair

Stuck in a tricky situation? Don’t worry, Grapevine’s advice column is here to help you.

How does one get in front of the line at Kaffibarinn?
J. Kjartans, Oslo

You get in line and wait until it’s your turn. If you want to get into the “VIP queue,” you either get in line and wait three years, or get a job there. This advice goes for every bar in Reykjavík. Alternatively, you can be the cokehead idiot who spends as much time in the “VIP queue” pestering the doormen as people in the regular queue.

What is the best make and model of vehicle to sleep in when you can’t find an affordable apartment? Which parking lots are best for camping out?
J. Bowe, Reykjavík

Peugeot 306, 2002 model station wagon. You’re gonna need to replace the transmission, but you could just have it towed to the Kringlan parking lot, which is where you’re gonna be sleeping, because it is guarded. You’re gonna have to bribe the guards, buy them pizza once a week or something, then you’re golden.

Tips & tricks to survive the summer heat?
S. Jasonarson, Austria

Wait for an hour. You know that Icelandic summer weather. Oh wait, you’re in Austria? Well, boo hoo for you, you selfish prick! Think about the poor sun-starved people of Iceland! They have to wear sweaters! Often even raincoats! They are driven to the brink of despair by the mild, fairly wet weather! Oh, your pet died because of the heat? THAT’S NOTHING, MY SNEAKERS ARE WET!!! Anyway, go to the cinema, they have AC. Drink plenty of fluids.