Smite The Kremlin: 20% Of All Icelanders Form A Russia-Sacking Football Horde

With the doomsday clock ticking ever closer to footballing midnight, it’s now only three months until Iceland smites the world. The horde’s tribes are slowly gathering beneath the portentous, lightning lick’d skies of Þingvellir for the long journey ahead, sharpening their blades for the conquest to come. Here’s a recap of what’s been going down in Smiteland.

20% of Icelanders request World cup tickets
It’s been reported that 66,000 Iceland fans—around 20% of the country’s entire population—have applied for World Cup match tickets. Iceland’s Ambassador to Russia, Berglind Ásgeirsdóttir, said: “We are cooperating with the Russian authorities very closely and asking many questions. Just think about it: about 20 percent of Iceland’s citizens sent requests to get tickets for the World Cup! That is an indication of a great interest. We are proud to be a participant, representing the least populated country in the history of World Cup.” She is, of course, playing down the masterplan: with a perfect eleven on the field, and a horde of 66,000 in the stands, both the cup and the Kremlin are there for the taking.

Iceland to massacre Mexico, pulverise Peru
The Icelandic National Team will practice their berserk charges and shield walls for the oncoming World Cup conquest against two unwitting South American countries in the coming weeks. On March 24th comes the Massacre of Mexico, when the horde will make amends for a 2017 “unfriendly” defeat in a to-the-death grudge match at the dust-bowl crucible of the L.A. Levi’s Stadium (it is rumoured Levi’s will make special edition distressed blood-red jeans for the occasion). On the 27th, they will pulverise the dancing maniacs of magical, faraway Peru, before continuing down the western coast to loot Machu Picchu in its entirety, taking it down brick by brick to be rebuilt in the Highlands as a trophy.

Klopp comes out for Iceland
The arm-flailing, spittle-speckling, wild-eyed warlord of Liverpool FC, Jurgen Klopp, came out in favour of Iceland recently. “What they’ve done so far in football and handball is unbelievable,” said the inventor of ‘heavy metal football,’ presumably screaming at the top of his lungs whilst staring down the sun. “They only have 340,000 people there. If Germany or England don’t win it, I’d like Iceland to win it. I love the attitude there.” Let’s see if he feels the same after Iceland have disassembled his robotic übermensch brethren on the field of war.

Iceland’s kit is good for you
As if you needed another reason to support Iceland, the country’s Italian kit manufacturer, Erreà Sport, has now become “the first and only company in Europe with an Oeko-Tex® certification.” According to the brand’s official Twitter account, this means that their products “Don’t release the harmful or cancer-causing substances which are often used to lower production costs.” With a new World Cup kit expected to be released shortly, the choice for neutrals is clear. Don’t improve your diet and definitely don’t join a gym. “Preserve your health and your safety” this summer by pulling on the red, white and blue.

Gylfi a serious Hazard
According to Sky Sports, Gyfli Sigurðsson has scored the same number of goals as Eden Hazard against the Premier League’s so-called ‘Big Six’ since August 2014. With 12 goals to his name in that period, Gylfi joins an elite group of players including Sadio Mané (15 goals) Harry Kane (18) and Sergio Agüero (21). The list is surprisingly topped by Leicester’s Red Bull-swilling nicotine pouch fanatic, Jamie Vardy (23 goals). As Gylfi played for Swansea from 2014-2017—a team that has practically fetishised relegation battles—his stats seem all the more impressive. All hail the ‘Viking Virtuoso.’

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