Well, You Asked: Big Time Griller, Big Time Killer

Got a burning question? In desperate need of advice? We at the Grapevine are here to help.

How do I assert my dominance over my family at summer barbecues?

Since you’re asking this question, I already know you aren’t manning the grill at these barbecues. You gotta get there by any means necessary. Starting a fight with whoever the grill-master is might earn you some favourable results, but only if you know you’ll win. Getting KO’ed at the family BBQ is not a good look, especially if the food gets burnt in the process. Straight up murder might be your best course of action. I know from playing many video games that a stealth kill is much more effective than overtly walking up to someone and stabbing them, so try to be sneaky about it. For reference, depending on your stats, a stealth kill could do up to 12 times the damage a regular kill does.

I’ve grown tired of being “the funny one.” How do I go about transitioning into another role within my friend group?

Nobody who is actually funny grows tired of being the funny one. I see right through you. It sounds like this transition will be easy. Just start talking about existentialism and how impermanent life is and your friends will immediately start seeing you as the gloomy one of the group. They might stop asking you to hang out with them, but that was bound to happen anyway with your forced delivery and punch-down method. Alternatively, you could go to school for accounting. That will dry your sense of humour right up and you’ll still have friends, although they might keep you around for the solely for free tax advice.

Send your previously unsolvable questions to grapevine@grapevine.is for some award-winning advice.

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