Horror-Scopes: December Called, Aries Answered

The Grapevine’s team of amateur astrologists spent weeks dissecting the skies to decipher your Decembers. Will the holidays bring joy? Pain? Conception? Find out.

Aries

Take a chance! Make a change! Breakaway, dear Aries. It’s time.

Taurus

Your true love is on the horizon. Oh—you’re already in a relationship? Our star sources assure us that they are not your true love, merely a red herring preventing you from seeing your real true love, who is, we are assured, on the horizon.

Gemini

We’ve been waiting to say this all year Gemini: You’re a bitch. Did you know that? You know how they say “Judge others based on their friends”? Have you ever looked at your friends? Ever notice how all of them shoplift and cry at parties? Jesus Christ Gemini. This year, on Jesus Christ’s birthday, find some new ones.

Cancer

You are destined for fame in approximately eleven months. No more and no less. So get ready to wear sunglasses everywhere you go. You’re gonna be at that level bby. Meg Cabot who?

Leo

We, as well as our tea leaves, totally admire how quickly you moved on from your last life tragedy. It was very Leo of you, Leo, but this December, maybe take a broader look at your 2020 and realise that there was a life tragedy literally every month. You, genuinely, need to calm down. Unless you think jail will be a nice addition to your future Wikipedia bio. Right under “Obsession with Josh Brolin.”

Virgo

To be honest, we were kind of bummed when we looked at your lifeline today, Virgo. The pandemic has made you a bit boring, it seems. Even the constellations don’t want to watch your latest Disney+ marathon.

Libra

No one is interested in the paper snowflakes you’ve been crafting with your new boyfriend, Libra. But don’t lose heart when you go to stay with his parents over the holidays and his mother gets your name wrong three times in a row and has to be corrected by the village priest. It’s not your fault. You just have a forgettable face.

Scorpio

Maybe stop writing out lists of the presents you want and start thinking about what to buy your family, Scorpio. The year you learn to be less of a sociopath is the year you’ll finally get something other than coal in your stocking.

Sagittarius

Yes, you can absolutely win back that Cartier bracelet you were gifted by your fiancé during the ill-advised engagement of your later teens. You will have to get your friend to sleep with that author you used to hook up with though, and the consequences could be unpredictable. So tread carefully, Sagittarius. Tread very carefully.

Capricorn

Your future is a bit unclear, Capricorn, but we’ve been assured that the second song on your upcoming Spotify Wrapped will predict your next move. The third song? Don’t even go there.

Aquarius

We have it on pretty good authority that you have chlamydia, Aquarius. Get it checked out.

Pisces

When you look up “Great Mom” in the dictionary, the word next to it is “Pisces.” Wait, you’re not a parent? Best get in contact with your last sexual partner, buddy, ‘cause we’re definitely seeing some zygotes in your future. And yes, we meant zygotes, as in plural.

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