Horror-Scopes: The Gifts We Really Deserve (i.e. Nothing For Geminis)

The Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists are known worldwide for their superior taste. To this date, they have never revealed their secrets but after a near-death experience involving a rogue Scorpio, they have decided to tell you, our dear readers, the hidden truths. Behold! The products to invest in to get any sign to make out with you or invest in your “company.”

Aries

Did you know that Four Seasons Total Landscaping does merchandise? Yup! Sweatshirts, hats, press conferences and even Christmas ornaments—they’ve got it all. We can confidently say that referencing them on your chest will always be a relevant joke and highly recommend investing in one of these delightful tchotchkes for the Aries in your life. They will giggle.

Taurus

Taurus was supposed to receive their soul mate this holiday season, but unfortunately, a little thing called coronavirus made said soul mate miss their flight. Now, doomed to a life of solitude, there is no gift that will satiate their pain at this moment. Alas—perhaps next year you can give Taurus the gift of a love that crosses time, space, and viral infections. But this year, maybe a candle.

Gemini

A job. Seriously.

Cancer

Famed for their generosity, it’s no surprise that your Cancer friend has lent you a fair bit of cash throughout this tumultuous year. They’re too polite to tell you, but what they’d really like this holiday season is for you to pay them back. PayPal, Venmo, or even a good old fashioned cheque are all viable options here. However, if you’re a Scorpio or a Taurus this probably isn’t going to happen, in which case an I.O.U. at the bottom of their stocking will have to suffice.

Leo

The only acceptable gift for a Leo this year is your full and undying love and devotion. Obviously though, with a sense of abandonment as strong as theirs, they will doubt you immediately when offered such sentiment and accuse you rabidly of the worst possible intentions—like that you’re some sort of narcissist or Mossad agent. Mitigate this risk by pre-emptively tattooing their name on your neck.

Virgo

A camera, so they can document their incoming mental breakdown and get that sweet YouTube ad money.

Libra

Nothing will ever be enough for your Libra friend. They’ve spent all year dreaming of grand gestures and expensive-looking parcels waiting under the tree for them. The scratch-off world map you bought them just won’t live up to their expectations. You’d be better off telling them that the real gift you ordered for them just got lost in the mail.

Scorpio

Facepaint, so the rest of the world will instantly know they are a clown and run like hell.

Sagittarius

You’ve probably seen a lot of ads that tout the product as “makes the perfect gift”. Don’t be fooled, Sag. Everyone knows what makes the perfect gift: a pillowcase filled with high denomination bills. Let no one give you less than what you’re worth.

Capricorn

A nice set of gloves. Practical and solid coloured. Perhaps a brown leather.

Aquarius

Some people are celebrating the birth of a baby Jewish boy this week, and what better way to celebrate that than to give the gift of life yourself. Jazz up your Christmas dinner with a pregnancy announcement, and bask in the panic that ensues as your guests try to figure out which one of them is the father. Aquarius, it’s you. Merry Christmas.

Pisces

A negative pregnancy test. Please dear God, let it be negative. Some people just shouldn’t procreate. Like Grýla.

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