Horror-Scopes: Kill The Dictator Within

Everyone has a little authoritarian streak. While taking command of your life, being decisive, and standing up for yourself is important, it’s equally important to not overdo it. So you would do well to recognise the authoritarians from history that you share your astrological sign with, and do your best to avoid similar behaviour in your own life. We’re always looking out for you, reader.

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Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
Al Capone was not a nice man. Mafiosi are often depicted with a cool veneer in modern media, but the fact is, they grow rich and powerful off the suffering of their community’s most vulnerable people. Extend empathy to others, and resist the urge to get ahead at others’ expense.

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
Nicolae Ceaușescu started out well, but ended up betraying everything he once stood for in order to further his own personal gain, which ended up being his undoing. Stay true to your principles, Aquarius, and don’t let selfish temptations lead you astray.

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
Sorry to say but Osama bin Laden falls under this sign, a man raised in great privilege from a rich family, boosted by other powerful people (looking at you, CIA) who ended up dying violently. Stay humble, Pisces; your causes may be righteous, but you should carefully choose your methods.

Aries: March 21st – April 19th
Andrew Jackson, America’s 7th president, was a mean son of a bitch. He absolutely loathed the Indigenous people of the Americas, and made it his life’s mission to kill as many of them as possible. Examine your prejudices, Aries, lest they consume you.

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
If you’re Taurus, you likely already know that you share your sign with Hitler. What can we say? Don’t be like Hitler.

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
Donald J. Trump shares this sign, and pretty much everything wrong with this guy can be chalked up to his inability to see any fault in himself. Learn to accept criticism, consider it carefully, and grow from your mistakes rather than deny them.

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
Gaius Julius Caesar has a problem: as a military leader, he applied military structure to the role of government, which did not exactly make him a popular guy, especially with those closest to him. And you know how that turned out. Rather than apply what you learned in old environments to new settings, learn the new environment you’re in and how it functions in order to manage it best.

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
Benito Mussolini was nothing more than a bully who took advantage of historical weaknesses to gut-punch his way to power, and would end up hanging upside down from a light pole after getting brutally murdered. Be careful how you treat others as you make your way to the top, Leo; these will be the same people you meet on the way down.

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
None other than Genghis Khan was a Virgo, a man who helped create and oversee the vastest empire in the history of the world through senseless brutality. This empire would later fracture, and then fall apart, and then disintegrate. Don’t let your greed get the best of you; be more grateful for what you already have.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
Hey guess what, Vladimir Putin is a Libra. That guy is in the news right now for being violent, duplicitous, and violent. Don’t let your position of power make you close yourself off from sympathy and understanding your limitations, lest you cause suffering to the same people you’re supposed to take care of.

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
Few remember this but Charles Manson is not just in prison for murder, but also for his having manipulated a group of impressionable and misguided people to commit brutal acts on his behalf. Be aware of the effect your anger has on other people. It’s fine to confide in others when you’re upset, but treat people fairly; your true allies will stand by you without being manipulated.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
Joseph Stalin took the fledgling Soviet Union–at the time a political experiment with a lot of promise–and let his own paranoia get the best of him. Sometimes your predecessor has laid the foundations for good things in the future, and all you need to do is nurture those starts into something great. You don’t necessarily have to erase all that hard work and start anew.