Horror-Scopes: Star-Crossed Lovers

In Horror-Scopes, Grapevine’s dedicated team of professional astrologists breaks down your upcoming weeks based on shit like where the planet Venus was at the rough moment you were born.

Aries
You have never understood the Icelandic proverb ‘It is late to fence in the well when the child has fallen into it.’ If you don’t build a fence, they’ll all get out again?

Taurus
They thought the Reynisfjara rockfall was an accident. “Don’t be silly! Landslides are acts of nature,” they laughed. But we know, Taurus. We know.

Gemini
You take your crush to the new bubble tea place Chatime but, unfortunately, while laughing at your own joke, you accidentally get a tapioca pearl firmly lodged in your left nostril. Luckily, Brenda quickly and deftly removes it with her long, dexterous tongue. You knew dating an anteater would be a dream!

Cancer
No one talks about the second coming of Óðinn.

Leo
Leos are notorious control freaks, but do your best not to sweat the small stuff. Did you hear that the freaking glaciers are melting? Get your priorities straight.

Virgo
It is, objectively, too late now to say sorry.

Libra
As your sign suggests, you can’t help taking a balanced look at literally everything, and it’s becoming a real problem. But on the other hand, maybe it’s not.

Scorpio
Alright Scorpios. We don’t like you, you don’t like—literally anyone, come to think of it. But if there’s one thing that we can agree on, it’s that Mike Pence is coming to Iceland and something must be done. Fly, my pretties, fly!

Sagittarius
For the love of all that is holy and tasteful, stop listening to “Galway Girl,” please.

Capricorn
In hopes of connecting with your true essence, you seek out some Icelandic sheep to spend quality time with your brethren. Unfortunately, the sheep sense your air of desperation and shun you just like your human ‘friends’ before them.

Aquarius
Those iodine tablets aren’t gonna hoard themselves. Nuclear winter, here we come, baby! #springbreak #thereisnospring

Pisces
You’ve had a blast, Pisces, but all good things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever except for love, music, and your insatiable desire for pints. Skál!

Want a detailed Horror-scope reading? Tweet us your moon sign, blood type and current distance from Gullfoss and we’ll do our best to get back to you.