Horror-Scopes: New Year’s ResoLeoTions

In this special 2020 edition Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists breaks down your upcoming year based on shit like sunspots. Stop smoking and get to the gym, you idiot!

Aries
The Law Of Attraction states that if you send positive vibes out to the universe, the universe will respond in kind with blessings. We’re SURE this will cure your eczema.

Taurus
Stay the fuck away from the Golden Circle.

Gemini
Mae West might be most well known for her raunchy double entendrées, but she was also arrested for obscenity charges relating to her 1927 play ‘Sex.’ West knew the police were coming so she put on some lipstick and surrounded herself with drag queens. The subsequent paparazzi photos went “1920s viral.” Tragedy will strike in 2020, Gemini, so you best turn it into publicity.

Cancer
Cancer, you are a strong, attractive, interesting, loving, and hysterical person. Stop texting your ex. He watches ‘The Big Bang Theory.’

Leo
So in 2019 you went vegan. In 2020, take the extra step and become ‘spiritual.’ Everyone loves a mandala tattoo.

Virgo
Nail-biting is not a proper diet, Virgo. January is the month to bring out the pepper nail polish and pretend it works until you catch yourself enjoying the punishing taste while you try to hang on to the feeling that everything is under control. It’s not.

Libra
Henry VIII’s oft-forgotten Catholic wife, Anne of Cleves, somehow secured an amicable annulment from the notoriously unstable leader. She left the palace with a generous salary, two castles, and outlived almost everyone involved with Henry’s crazy AF life. Let Anne be your guide for 2020. By that, we mean, never consummate a marriage.

Scorpio
Scorpio, 2020 spells disappointment. Sorry.

Sagittarius
It’s time to reflect on the back pain that carrying a clown mask for all these years has put on you. Bury the clown, kick the clown, open up to the clown and be free.

Capricorn
Yes, Capricorn, everyone can tell you’ve been listening to too much Xanax rap even though you’re clearly not cool enough for that. You’re an accountant.

Aquarius
On New Year’s Eve you got trashed and shaved your head in the back alley of an underground club in Berlin…now what? Aquarius, no one is surprised.

Pisces
This is the year for bathroom breaks to stop being crying breaks, Pisces.