Horror-Scopes: Hope Has Arrived, Dear Readers

After a wild weekend, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists gathered under the Northern Lights to ask the spirits just what your week holds. They answered. All of them. It was loud.

Aries

Did you know that back in the day a giraffe was called a “camelopard”? No joke! It was! So Aries, use this as a lesson and stop stressing over the fact that your cousin named their child Paisleigh. In the future, that might evolve into a normal, easy to pronounce and internationally-friendly name like Helga. Ah—it just rolls off the taaunguh!

Taurus

The election of Joe Biden to the Presidency of the United States revealed one thing: people are sick of fake tanner. So embrace your natural colour Taurus! Whether you’re guilty of excessively piling on bronzer, blush, or just a fuckton of highlighter, it’s time for you to lay down the lipstick. You’re beautiful. Just kidding. You’re acceptable. But at least you’re not orange.

Gemini

There’s nothing wrong with doing karaoke alone in your house, Gemini. It’s actually just called singing. This November—let your musical nature out. Then, if you’re ever on a sinking cruise ship, you’ll be in the perfect position to entertain your fellow passengers with a ‘lil Paganini while they pounce into the icy depths. Truly, it’s been a pleasure.

Cancer

CANCER! You little minx. How should you spend this week? Watching ‘The Christmas Prince’ on repeat, obvs. Grapevine Intern Iona did it, and she’s currently living the dream, fighting off prospective dates and crazily in-demand job offers. Be your best self, Cancer. It’s about time.

Leo

Stop dressing like an extra from a Netflix original movie, Leo, and start dressing like an extra from a Netflix original show. We’d rec ‘The Witcher’.

Virgo

Watching YouTube drama channels is not “keeping up with the news.” Tati Westbrook and co. not “pivotal members of culture.” And the ACE Family are not “goals” no matter how many charity basketball games they host. So grow up girl and start watching true crime like every other adult. Your future? Being a bad bitch detective that solves cold cases—while using all-natural hair vitamins.

Libra

The tea leaves are difficult to read for this week, Libra. As are your palms. We can’t totally anticipate what this means but we imagine it can only indicate that you will become illiterate this week. But look on the bright side! At least then walking through cemeteries won’t be so sad.

Scorpio

President-elect Joe Biden is actually a Scorpio. Know what this means? Your star sign is finally getting some good representation in the media. Fun Fact: G.A. Joe also shares the same birthday as Margherita of Savoy, the namesake of Margherita pizza. Another great member of the community!

Sagittarius

Sag, everyone agrees that you are objectively the most fun sign, so this week, throw a (pandemic-safe, online) party for all your fellow Sag-slags. Then there will be so much screaming and cheering that you won’t even be able to hear all those deep thoughts in your soul that constantly tell you that you are not nor will you ever be good enough. Yaaas queen!

Capricorn

Stop Googling your symptoms every time you cough or get a new bump on your skin. It doesn’t help anyone. You don’t have cancer. Everything is fine. Shh, Capricorn, shh.

Aquarius

Hi, Aquarius. The stars wanted us to tell you that you left the stove on. Also, you should probably clean the ice out of your fridge and change your bedsheets for once. Get it together, Aquarius. How hard can it be?

Pisces

Follow your dreams, you crazy star child. Yes, you can be the next Taylor Swift.

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