Horror-Scopes: WHAT VOLCANO ARE YOU?

The Grapevine’s team of amateur astrologists recently read online that people who like astrology also really like personality quizzes. In an attempt to appease this group—and the advertisers that specifically target them—we went to the cosmos and bothered the constellations long enough to adequately determine… just what volcano they were.

Aries

Curiously, Mount Etna has been unexpectedly active these last weeks. In fact, the volcano could very well have had a massive eruption by the time you read this. But here’s the real story: Since February 26th, the volcano has been spewing magma and showering ash every 48 hours on the dot. Apparently, this level of mathematical precision is rather unusual. In fact, the regularity is actually making scientists wary. Does this hit a little too close to home, dear Aries? Ever notice how scared people seem to get when you start getting your shit together? Why? Because that usually means that soon said shit is going to rain down all over their little lives. Maybe don’t get your shit together next time. Maybe best you leave it be.

Taurus

The extinct Tamu Massif lies, at its shallowest, 1,980 metres below the surface of the Pacific Ocean. It was, for a short time, declared the largest single volcano in the world, until—in a Pluto-esque situation—it wasn’t. Taurus, like Tamu Massif, so-called experts have been stealing your spotlight recently. Don’t let them. Just fucking get taller and explode. Show Hawaii’s Mauna Loa (tHe TaLlEsT vOlCaNo In ThE wOrLd) who is boss.

Gemini

No one exactly knows how California’s Clear Lake Volcanic Field even exists. It’s not on a subduction zone, rift zone, or hotspot, so scientists have determined it must be related to the San Andreas fault in some bizarre impossible-to-say way. It’s also fucking massive. So basically, it’s a fucking strange, weird, enigmatic mystery… much like your emotions and life choices.

Cancer

The chill and party-ready Cancers of the world are emblematic of Indonesia’s famed tourist destination Mount Bromo. As they famously state: Mo Bros, Mo Fun.

Leo

Krakatoa. You erupted once. It was very dramatic. And you never let anyone forget about that, do you?

Virgo

In 1985, Mount St. Helens unexpectedly blew, killing 57 people, including Harry Randall Truman, a lodge owner who considered himself part of the mountain, and Reid Blackburn, a photojournalist who heroically went to the unstable volcano to document it. There’s only one sign that would so viciously slaughter people that just wanted to, you know, hang out and get to know them and that’s you, Virgo. This month, take a leaf from Fagradalsfjall and stop (fatally) pushing away those that want to be close to you. It’s so 1985.

Libra

Easy! Kilimanjaro. Why? Because even though it grabs headlines as the largest mountain in Africa, the trek up is notoriously easy. Just like you.

Scorpio

Don’t hurt us, Scorpio—even though we know you, with your Avoidant Attachment Style, inevitably will—but you’re without a doubt the fucking Yellowstone Caldera Supervolcano. No one can ever anticipate just when you will fly off the handle, but it’s widely known (and studied) that when you do, you will basically just destroy the entire world for at least a century. In conclusion, you’re the kind of individual that people make clickbait YouTube videos about just how much pain you could cause. Pain like the end of grain farming and the subsequent loss of rice and beer. 🙁

Sagittarius

If there’s something Sagittarius likes, it’s media attention. Therefore, there’s none better volcano to represent you than Iceland’s very own Eyjafjallajökull. Its 2010 eruption caused lots of havoc worldwide—from thousands of grounded aeroplanes to stumbling newscasters trying to report on it—but in the end, it didn’t actually hurt anybody or cause any real damage. Basically, the ideal sort of attention-seeking behaviour. Brava!

Capricorn

Did you know Tenerife is a volcano? Yes, the well-known party vacation island could easily be the site of a massacre one day. Think about that next time you’re pounding back shots. We don’t want to say you have a problem, but…

Aquarius

Deep in the desert of Chad lies Emi Koussi, the volcano determined to be most similar to Mars. Aquarius, your creativity is similarly otherworldly. And you are most certainly a Chad too. Go get’em tiger.

Pisces

Not a volcano. More a sinkhole of despair. 🙂

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