Horror-Scopes: The Christmas Cancer

In HorrorScopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists breaks down your upcoming weeks based on shit like your time of birth.

Aries
Wait under the mistletoe for your special someone. You’re definitely not too ugly to snatch a 10/10. Just kidding.

Taurus
Chanukah is a holiday founded on the fact that one drop of oil lasted for seven days inside a dark temple, which for some reason didn’t have windows. Somehow this now translates into giving gifts every night? Taurus, get back to your spiritual roots and start reading the Talmud.

Gemini
You’ll find yourself contemplating why it’s called a toothbrush, when ideally you have several teeth in your mouth. Don’t spend too much time on it, this is going nowhere.

Cancer
All you want for Christmas… is the brand new iPhone. When have you stopped believing in love and turned to consumerism? Hit up your old high-school sweetheart instead of crying in the shower and you’ll be alright. Possibly.

Leo
Spend New Year’s watching ‘Dinner for One’—a highly underrated and hilarious film. Who needs to party when you have the sweet company of your imaginary friends?

Virgo
If you notice that there are wet spoons in your cutlery drawer on the 15th of December, don’t be surprised—the Yule Lads are real. Just kidding. But it doesn’t hurt to check twice before having your morning cereal.

Libra
It’s difficult to get gifts for mothers-in-law. A gym subscription will be the perfect thing to put her in her fucking place.

Scorpio
Stop pretending to hate Mariah Carey’s iconic Christmas album and accept that you’re just like every single human on this Earth and love it. What present does one need other than some crisp whistle tones? None.

Sagittarius
Don’t be a Grinch, sure, but it’s also weird to pass out candy canes and wear reindeer sweaters to your work. Especially if they are a “silly one” with Pickle Rick on them. Wubbalubba-cringe-dub…

Capricorn
If you’re afraid that Grýla is going to eat you because you sent a naughty text to your ex-girlfriend, you’d better be! She’s a fierce feminist. #GrylaToo

Aquarius
There’s a chance you’ll get fired after doing a Hatari impression in a fetish Santa costume at your office’s Christmas party. Stay away from vodka-infused Malt og Appelsín at all cost!!

Pisces
After watching ‘Love Actually’ for the fifth time you start to ask yourself why you’re not dating a handsome British prime minister yet. But then you think of Boris Johnsson, cringe, and let it go. It’s good to be single.

Want a detailed Horror-scope reading? Tweet us your moon sign, blood type and current distance from Kaffibarinn and we’ll do our best to get back to you.