Horror-Scopes: And The Word Was Capricorn

In HorrorScopes, Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists breaks down your upcoming weeks based on shit like asteroid locations.

Aries
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but vaping kills, so pick up smoking. Seriously, stop being such a loser and start campaigning for the re-legalisation of cloves.

Taurus
Don’t invite that Tinder date to see ‘The Joker’—unless she’s got an incel fetish, of course. That said, we’re pretty sure she doesn’t. Use the money to get some therapy, and maybe some body wash, too.

Gemini
Snæfellsnes is an ominous place for you in the next few weeks. Stick to Reykjanes, or else.

Cancer
B.O.B.A.—is that a bomb in your purse? We’re calling Airport security.

Leo
The more Una Schram you listen to, the more popular you’ll be in the upcoming months. Say hello to glitz, glamour, and lots of free drugs. Is this paradise?

Virgo
After confusing M&Ms with Eminem you question your mental health. But it’s okay, you’ve just never been one of the cool kids, and that’s just the way you are.

Libra
Remember Harambe? Oh wait—you forgot about him? That ape did not die for our sins just for you to start freelancing for Vice for exposure. Get some self-esteem and start working on your “screenplay.”

Scorpio
Believe it or not, Avril Lavigne, Paul McCartney, and Henry Kissinger are still alive, please move on. Your mum called the Grapevine editors, she’s worried.

Sagittarius
As hard as it may be to believe, simply staring at your crush’s old Facebook pics is not going to telepathically let them know that you’re interested. Shoot your shot, you useless sapphic!

Capricorn
Boston, a beloved Reykjavík institution, just went out of business. So too did your confidence. Don’t worry, there’s always Mónakó.

Aquarius
Oh my god we get it; you’re “diplomatic” and “accommodating” and think arguments over whether Lana Del Ray or Carly Rae Jepsen is a better singer are “pointless” and “nothing to end a friendship over.” Some people like drama, Karen, mind your damn business.

Pisces
Dear Pisces, you really ought to take up Bollywood Dancing. The stars say you would be good at it. The world needs your talents. Bring them to the forefront of your life, and blow everyone’s minds.

Want a detailed Horror-scope reading? Tweet us your moon sign, blood type and current distance from Gullfoss and we’ll do our best to get back to you.