Horror-Scopes: New Year, Same Leo

The Grapevine’s team of amateur astrologists consulted the deepest stars in the galaxy to give you the insights into making 2021 your best year yet. Or rather—your best year of the 2020s so far. Except for Scorpios. The prognosis looks rough there. Eek.

Aries

Start drinking. The world demands it.

Taurus

Don’t marry him/her/them. Your true love is waiting—as the tea leaves tell us—far across the sea and seriously, as Taylor Swift once emphasised, why would you chain yourself to someone with a snotty little family all dressed in pastels who spends her time yelling at a bridesmaid wearing a gown shaped like a pastry? No way! So speak now, mysterious love, or forever hold your peace.

Gemini

Move out from your parent’s house. You’re almost 30 for Odin’s sake.

Cancer

Forgive that friend. You know the one. We won’t elaborate, but we foresee an elaborate post-vaccine Lads Holiday in your future and said friend must be apart of it lest tragedy strike. You owe it to the world.

Leo

There was one silver lining to the pandemic, dear Leo, and that was a tempering of your larger-than-life ego that was slowly destroying your life in 2019. So take a tip from our oracle and try to remain humble for 2021. We anticipate if you do that, you’ll be the recipient of both good fortune… and a vaccine.

Virgo

Do you want to be happy? A new hair cut won’t cut it this time. No, it’s gotta be a new tattoo.

Libra

Believe in yourself this year, Leo. Just because you’re unprovably pregnant by the ex of your ex doesn’t mean you can’t live your best life. If having a baby allowed Blac Chyna to get her own reality show then just imagine what doors your upcoming bundle-of-joy will open.

Scorpio

We admit it—the amateur astrologists of the Grapevine have been rather hard on Scorpios over the years. We don’t intend to change this in 2021, so resolute to grow a thicker skin or unsubscribe, bby. We don’t need you.

Sagittarius

Channel your inner restlessness into a refined hobby like the violin. Why? Well let’s not beat around the bush—everyone knows you for your delicate, well-mannered and hard-working soul, which will naturally allow you to ride the highs and lows of learning a new instrument. Just kidding, they know you for being super emotional and impulsive, but with that spirit, you’ll be playing Saint-Saëns by May. No one believes in themselves like a Sagittarius.

Capricorn

Ain’t nothing wrong with trying to put together a one-man rendition of ‘Hamilton.’ Just kidding. There’s a lot wrong with it. Stick to something more at-your-level like ‘Cats.’ Meow.

Aquarius

We get it. Your roommate is totally insane. And so was your last roommate. And the one before that. Yeah, totally a coincidence! Absolutely no common denominator there! There is absolutely nothing in these situations that could have possibly remained the same over five different apartments! You’re perfect! You’re beautiful! You look like Linda Evangelista!

Pisces

Rock that upcoming uni degree. Don’t listen to no bitch. You were born to lead.

Note: Due to the effect the Coronavirus is having on tourism in Iceland, it’s become increasingly difficult for the Grapevine to survive. If you enjoy our content and want to help the Grapevine’s journalists do things like eat and pay rent, please consider joining our High Five Club.

You can also check out our shop, loaded with books, apparel and other cool merch, that you can buy and have delivered right to your door.