Horror-Scopes: Go Agrarian, Not Vegetarian

The Grapevine’s team of amateur astrologists followed all pandemic restrictions over their cosmic New Years celebrations. They, along with all 88 constellations, remained light years away from each other while they partied, so you can trust that no fever is addling their mind during these predictions.

Aries

Sit down, Aries. We—along with many dwarf stars—are worried about how many Yummy Mummy blogs you have already consumed in the first week of 2021. It’s not healthy and so we’re going to tell you the hard truth: No matter how many teaspoons of turmeric you add to your child’s formula, they are still going to enjoy YouTube family vloggers. It’s just genetic.

Taurus

Wow! An Apple Watch for Christmas! Groundbreaking. Flex on all your haters by pointing it out at every given moment.

Gemini

Your landlord is ghosting you for a reason Gemini. Our spiritual consultants say it’s because you resemble his childhood bully. Sorry.

Cancer

You’re right! Learning Latin is a great New Years Resolution, Cancer. Especially if that one film you watched while drunk is correct and you will one day accidentally stumble upon a time machine and wake up in Rome circa 250 CE. Just kidding—the Latin you’re learning is a mixture of ten centuries worth of language with a modern, ecclesiastical-tradition pronunciation and without a doubt, no one in the empire would understand you. You useless bitch.

Leo

What’s the point of life? We know you spend a lot of time mulling over such deep questions, but if we are all going to die in the end, what’s the point? Live in the moment, girl. Stop spending your weeknights dissecting the nature of godliness and spend it zooming with hotties like the goddess you are. And no, don’t you dare start unpacking the term “goddess.”

Virgo

Remember that anime phase you had, Virgo? Well, it shouldn’t have been a phase. You messed your fate up the moment you sold your manga but the gracious planetary bodies are now giving you a moment to rectify it. Here’s your second chance: Don’t blow it.

Libra

Keep on rocking this week, Libra. And how’s the best way to keep on rocking? Pepper your next texts with rocking emoticons like \m/ or, for more advanced rockers, consider using \m/(><)\m/ and bd(OoO)bd. All that’s left is to pump some iron to Five Finger Death Punch.

Scorpio

We’re proud that you’ve kept the personal manipulation to a minimum in 2021 so far, Scorpio. It shows real personal growth and frankly, the tea leaves did not expect such maturity from someone with such a storied past. That said, the ex you robbed will be frequenting your local grocery store over the next few days, so take care to avoid it lest you believe it’s time to make “amends.” But really—what amount of amends will replace their grandma’s ashes that you nicked to use in your latest performance art project? No amount of amends, Scorpio. None.

Sagittarius

FAME. FORTUNE. LOVE. These are just a few of the blessings you can expect in 2021 if you keep a positive, open mind. ‘The Secret’ who?!

Capricorn

When you heard the voices of the cosmos tell you to “go vegetarian” for 2021, you misunderstood. They actually meant “go agrarian” for the new year. Yes, it’s a common misconception and one that’s definitely contributing to the declining rate of communes worldwide. But don’t worry—we got you, you future farming legend.

Aquarius

Hoe it up this year Aquarius. We stan an empowered woman.

Pisces

Don’t hoe it up this year Pisces. In fact, actively not-hoe it up and loudly judge anyone who does. For more inspiration, check out the temperance movement.

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