Horror-Scopes: I’m No Expert, But…

We can’t predict the results of the U.S. election, but the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists know pretty much everything else. Including what you’re doing right now, Leo, you sicko.

Aries

Regardless of whoever wins the U.S. presidency tomorrow, you’ll still be upset, Aries. Why? Because you can’t let yourself be happy. Ever. And based on tomorrow’s results, you’ll probably suddenly decide you’re pro or anti-mask and start ranting on Facebook again about how whatever victorious candidate is endangering your safety. By the way—stop that Facebook thing. It’s off-putting for your children (and friends).

Taurus

I see love in your future Taurus. What is that? You live alone? Never fear—the love will come via the worldwide web (a pandemic safe option). Let the spirits into your life and open your heart to the cosmos. You may find a rocking bod rocking your world soon. Aiiiii!

Gemini

Gemini, every single person in your life is judging you for going to a Halloween party sans mask and then posting all about it. You don’t live in New Zealand. That said—good on you for inviting your ex. We also hope he gets COVID and loses his sense of taste forever. C’mon—that floozy he’s currently seeing confirms he basically already did. You’re perfect. She’s trash.

Cancer

We won’t tell anyone how much you cried while watching ‘The Holidate’ this weekend, Cancer, because we’re just as excited as you that Netflix Holiday Movie Season has begun. Here’s hoping ya girl Vanessa Hudgens returns for a sequel to the unparalleled ‘The Knight Before Christmas’.

Leo

Oh Leo… No.

Virgo

November has never been your month Virgo, but maybe if you start drinking green juice every morning, you’ll increase your already-inflated life hack ego and turn 2020 around. That said, endlessly perusing Wish to try and find that one productivity product that’ll change your game will never work. Trust us, your game is eternal. You are already at the top. Werrrrk.

Libra

Yes, the election tomorrow might start a civil war. That said—you don’t live in America so there’s no need to tear your hair out about it. We know you kind of like being stressed though, so here’s a list of other things you can publicly freak out about: coronavirus, Nigel Farage’s threat to form an anti-lockdown party, that new vibrator Lily Allen is marketing (I mean seriously, does she think she’s special?), global warming, the return of murder hornets, the fact that HBO paid Zack Snyder for his four hour ‘Justice League’ cut, the abortion ban in Poland and… global warming again.

Scorpio

For the love of God, stop listening to Joe Rogan. We get it, you like MMA and elk meat, but Scorpio, we’re literally watching you turn into an ironic conspiracy theorist. Don’t worry though, the Grapevine has got you. In fact, here’s a handy tip: the moment Joe says, “I’m not expert, but…” TURN THE DAMN THING OFF!

Sagittarius

Other signs say they like to party, but there ain’t no get-together like a Sag one. We know the pandemic is starting to get to you though, so we recommend starting a Twitch channel and remaking yourself (once again) as some sort of avant-garde social media artist who streams on Twitch to make a statement about one streaming on Twitch. It’s an intellectual way to justify playing the Sims all day. Let the members roll in, bby.

Capricorn

Yes, you can definitely make this wave of the pandemic work for yourself. We know you made a load of resolutions last time you had to stay at home and they all went to shit within a week and you put on two stone, but this time you can solve it all by writing a list! Daily yoga, Duolingo and reading the news is going to be easy now. You definitely won’t get addicted to Ben & Jerry’s and start crying over your 2010 iTunes playlist.

Aquarius

Aquarius, last night we had a dream about how fucking sad it is that Anakin Skywalker’s moving sacrifice at the end of ‘The Return Of The Jedi’ literally amounted to maybe 20 years of peace in the galaxy before Palpatine just rose again—this time bigger and badder than ever—as his son turned into a grouchy old man. Then we realised, we were dreaming about you. So whatever grandiose sacrifice you’re about to make, just don’t.

Pisces

Isn’t it funny how you’re named after a fish but are a vegan? No, it’s fucking not. Seriously, it seems not even the stars will let animals lead their lives in peace without using their likeness (without payment) for some sort of capitalist expression. So turn on your adblock and cook those lentils, you radical.

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