Horror-Scopes: The Autumn Fog Reveals Your Fate

In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists give you their mystical visions on the dark fate that lies before you. The tea leaves have spoken!

Aries

The spirits demand their offering, Aries. An oath made in blood weighs as much as a delicate click of “I have read and agree with the terms and conditions.” Don’t challenge their wrath. Updating your iOS won’t end well for you.

Taurus

No, Taurus, it is absolutely NOT too early to be wearing that Halloween sweater. Mix it with a witch’s hat while you’re at it, why don’t you? We called alleged Grapevine fan Tim Burton and he agreed.

Gemini

The cold autumn fog hides many things, Gemini, but not that unfinished assignment nor your fraught relationship with your father.

Cancer

Byronic poetry is best enjoyed at a graveyard, don’t you think? Just make sure you get all your longing out before sunrise and don’t accidentally carry home some graveyard dirt under your pointy, leather, gothic shoes. It might invite some restless soul to follow you and your sleep paralysis monster doesn’t need more company. Unless it’s a fellow Cradle of Filth fan.

Leo

I don’t care what they say, Leo, you go and enjoy that pumpkin spiced latte! This year has been harsh enough, so just go ahead and embrace everything that would have made you a basic bitch before. Pop in that Notebook DVD or go listen to the Chainsmokers #goodvibes #missingcoachella

Virgo

Scrolling through aesthetic blogs on tumblr might not be the best coping mechanisms on a long-term scale, but reblogging some of those ‘Hocus Pocus’ gif-sets can’t hurt.

Libra

There’s nothing wrong with caring so little about Halloween that you once again opt for the sexy cat look this year. Just kidding—we know your ambitions for Samhain grandeur journey far beyond the feline. We foresee a unanimous win at this year’s costume contest if you go big and rent some tigers for a sexy Carole Baskin look. For full authenticity, (allegedly) kill your husband.

Scorpio

Make like a ghost and grab some boo-ze. Maybe it’ll warm your dead Scorpio heart. (We hate Scorpios. Sue us.)

Sagittarius

We love new seasons—both weather and ‘The Bachelorette’! Let’s hope Clare (or Tayshia?) finds love this time around. If you’re reading this, Crawley, let the falling leaves remind you that it’s ok to let go.

Capricorn

It’s time for a girls niiiight! Create a group chat for all your gal pals, get some firewood and just go apeshit in the forest. Satanic chanting can be an excellent bonding experience, we hear, as is dancing naked in the woods! Just make sure none of your friends are called Abigail Williams, Elizabeth Proctor, or something equally… dangerous.

Aquarius

The only things following you into the grave will be worms. You’ll be alone forever, you aquatic loser.

Pisces

It’s not too late to book a cabin for the autumn days ahead. Fulfill your dream of being the hermit of the highlands, Pisces! Vanish mysteriously into the mist, go pick some berries and knit yourself an awesome cloak. Be the folklore figure you were born to be.

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