Horror-Scopes: Haiku Heavens

The Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists recently experienced ego death. In response, we’ve decided to tell your future through the medium of haiku.

Aries

Liking Nick Cave is
Not a substitution for
Personality

Taurus

Move on from sorrow
To the world of tomorrow…
Kilimanjaro

Gemini

“MORE!” screamed Kylo Ren
But do we really need more?
Or just a sick blade?

Cancer

Cancer, please slow down
Enter lockdown like Boris
With whimsical hair

Leo

Enjoy sunset from
An unsafe melting glacier
Not a vibe, galpal

Virgo

The Goo Goo Dolls slam
Alexa, please play “Iris”
I know who I am

Libra

It’s legal to speak
It’s legal to pay money
I am a hitman

Scorpio

A Master’s degree
Does not make you qualified
To lead outdoor hikes

Sagittarius

Ita Reginae
Verum Manseritis, Bitch
#benedixitque

Capricorn

There is ice out there
Outside the 10/11
Make sure you don’t fall

Aquarius

Is this insta man
Really a glacier guide
Or just a rando?

Pisces

I’m feeling real rad
Got myself a real cool bag
Not tryin’ to brag

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