Horror-Scopes: Post-Covid (JK) CALAMITY!

The amateur astrologers of the Grapevine were having a blast in the post-COVID cosmos until Delta struck. But how will you do when this all inevitably ends? The stars speak.

Aries

Aries… There’s a limit to how much people want to hear you bitch about how miserable your COVID experience was. Everyone was there. Literally everyone in the world experienced the pandemic and most others didn’t have both a Netflix, Disney+, Hulu, Amazon Prime and HBOMax subscription. Use your empathy. We know you have it in you.

Taurus

It’s a shame your sourdough starter didn’t survive the pandemic, but we admire your courage in the face of adversity. Use this opportunity to start a new life, for there’s a lot of other options out there. A kombucha scoby perhaps?

Gemini

It’s natural to feel confused in this new NEW normal. Are you supposed to hug people? For a Gemini, that’s a daily struggle. Please, don’t feel pressured to show the affection you’ve always lacked in your cold, dark soul. Others can sense the insincerity and, to be frank, it’s off-putting af.

Cancer

Well… despite being vaxxed you ended up the unlucky one who got COVID after restrictions were lifted. Our constellations recommend you stay away from Instagram and Twitter this month to protect your mental health. No one wants to see others dancing in a club while you sit on your sofa and cough.

Leo

Finally! It’s safe to hold a karaoke mic. Wow, the crowd with your “Wuthering Heights” interpretation, complete with the original choreography.

Virgo

Take a deep breath. We all know the past year has stressed you out like nothing before. You have been carrying around special hazard masks, five different hand-sanitizers and even ended up brewing one in your basement because you didn’t trust the store bought varieties. Being around people stresses you out and you’d love to go into another lockdown so you can go back to munching frozen pizza on your crusty couch. Life’s back, so get out of your comfort zone ASAP.

Libra

As always, you’re somewhere in the middle. After going to therapy during the day to cope with the return of social interactions, you’re back in the cocktail bars drinking away your sorrow and anxiety. While listening to your trusty government, you can’t quite shut out the anti-vaxxers and are always on the verge of making your own rules. But hey—try to relax and stop being awkward.

Scorpio

The reason you haven’t received any party invites isn’t because they aren’t happening.

Sagittarius

Well it took about two hours after your Jansen vax for you to totally forget about the past year and resume your reckless behaviour of kissing people on the cheek and taking puffs of stranger’s cigarettes. We’d recommend watching out for the Delta variant, but knowing the charmed luck of Sags despite being fucking idiots, we bet you’ll be fine. Can’t say the same for Virgos.

Capricorn

Hide. The stars urge it.

Aquarius

It’s an understatement to say that people are excited to finally see some live music again. Take advantage of this by forming the solo post-brutal tech death project you’ve always dreamed of.

Pisces

We’re ethereal all-knowing beings, Pisces. We see the bottles of hand-sanitizer in your purse and watch you discreetly applying them under the table after you’re socially pressured into shaking someone’s hand. Welcome to your new life. There’s a lot of conspiracy Facebook groups we think you’d love.

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