Horror-Scopes: Which 2022 Eurovision Entry Are You?

The 2022 Eurovision finals will be held on May 14th. This also happens to be municipal election night in Iceland, but you likely either don’t know or don’t care enough about the individual candidates to know which one your sign represents. And who can blame you, when Eurovision looms, like a planet-sized disco ball about to slam into the Earth?

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
You are Kalush Orchestra, and their song Stefania, representing Ukraine. Like the song, you represent stark contrasts between the traditional and the modern. Just be sure you don’t let these contrasts clash too badly, or it might be nul points for you.

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
You are LUM!X, and their song Halo, representing Austria. You like to stick with the classics—good ol’ fashioned,easily digestible Europop. Make time to divert from the norm, Aquarius, unless you want to be utterly forgettable.

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
You are S10, and their song, De Diepte, representing the Netherlands. You have a subtle, perhaps even dark energy, belying secrets that run deep in your emotional landscape. Let your guard down now and then so people can get to know the real you.

Aries: March 21st – April 19th
You are Subwoolfer, and their song Give That Wolf A Banana, representing Norway. Seemingly normal at first glance, the more anyone listens to you, the stranger you seem. You’re not without charm, though, so don’t compromise your vibe. Live your truth.

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
You are Ronela Hataji, and her song Sekret, representing Albania. Like Albania, you consistently show the world that you stay true to your roots, but are perfectly capable of adapting with the times. Maintaining that balance may be difficult, so hang in there. No matter what, you’ll have lived consistently.

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
You are Cornelia Jakobs, and her song Hold Me Closer, representing Sweden. It’s clear you’re often afraid to take risks, opting instead to play it safe. The danger of this is that a safe life is hardly one worth remembering. Bad girls go to heaven and all that. Step outside of your comfort zone and try something weird for a change!

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
You are The Rasmus, and their song Jezebel, representing Finland. Much like The Rasmus at Eurovision, you’ve got people asking “Whoa,, wait, what? The guys who did In The Shadows like in 2003? Holy crap he’s still wearing feathers in his hair, too!” The past may cast a long shadow, but remember: it’s never too late to start living in the future. You probably won’t regret it.

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
You are Systur, and their song Með Hækkandi Sól, representing Iceland. There’s a lot more to you than originally meets the eye (or ear), and all your best treasures are there waiting for anyone with the wherewithal to look for them. Don’t settle for less; stand by those who stand by you.

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
You are Monika Liu, and her song Sentimentai, representing Lithuania. You’ve got character, you’ve got style, you’ve got the je ne sais quoi. You might not win any popularity contests but that hardly matters. You are your own creature, and you should hold your head high.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
You are Sheldon Riley, and his song Not The Same, representing Australia. A sweeping ballad, emotive and sincere, best appreciated by those of discerning taste. A true gem.

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
You are Sam Ryder, and his song SPACE MAN, representing the UK. And just like the UK when it comes to Eurovision, despite having so much historical potential, you can’t seem to help but offer your very worst when it comes down to it. We know you’re capable of great things, Scorpio. Don’t be afraid to let go, take a risk, and let the best of you shine through.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
You are Emma Muscat, and her song I Am What I am, representing Malta. Fiercely proud, individualistic, striking your own way no matter what others may say. Don’t let the naysayers get you down; you are a pure bright star in the darkest night. In our hearts, you’ve already won.