Oh, Wherefore Art Thou, Pisces?

By the pricking of our thumbs, something astrological this way comes

Prithee and well met peasants of Reykjavík! This month, trials, tribulations, trouble plenty await. With five acts to go, the stage is set on your Shakespearean Horotrope!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

There are those in your life that may look like innocent flowers but there are serpents in the underbrush. You must cut out the Cancer, destroy them before they destroy you! Wh-What? No, I’m not trying to manipulate you. I’m merely a humble servant!

Aquarius (January 20 – Feb 18)

Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble, throat doth burn and stomach bubble. The cheese, the milk, and skyr you consume, rush you straight to the bathroom. You’re lactose intolerant, Aquarius. Sorry you had to find out this way.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Shakespeare was known for his tragedies and his comedies, so Pisces, I ask you: how did it all get so tragicomic? It brings a tear to my eye. Let’s hope it gets better for you this month, because by the Lord we both know you need a win.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

O’ Golden Ram, child of Poseidon and Theophane, your destiny is among the stars, your fall one of tragedy and of misfortune your — hold on a minute, this isn’t Ancient Greek theatre! We’re doing Shakespeare. Out! Out Aries! You’ve confused me!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

“This above all, to thine ownself be true.” You’ve spent way too many a coin and shilling on flights of fancy. This month, in your future, I see a frugal existence. Leave Kringlan, thrifting, and online shopping in the past, my dear Taurus, lest your house fall to ruin.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

This month, your lover will not have it in them to do what they must. They are not without ambition but do not have the illness you possess to attend it. Do it Gemini, it’s time for you to see the dentist. You’ve both put it off too long. Your heart is rotten, but your teeth may be, too.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

M’Lord Cancer, I’ve got it on good suspicion that Capricorn intends harm to your person! What, no, I wasn’t talking to them. That must have been someone else. Quick Cancer! You must strike before the hour grows late!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

I mean, Shakespeare put it perfectly, Leo: “Though art unfit for any place but Hell.” There’s not much I can add here.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Oh God, Virgo no! You’re a modern Shakespearean adaptation, but they added a rap verse, and set it in a high school. I’m sorry, we have to put you down.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Alright, so I’m confused. Your uncle-cousin betrayed your father-brother because you refused to marry your second cousin-sister? No, no, this whole family tree is Shakespearean. I’ll just skip to the part where people start getting murdered.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Villain! Thou hast done my mother and gotten away scott free. This shall not stand. In your future, I see a duel, with me, the son of the mother thou hast done. Have at you, fiend!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The tragic hero is expected to fall, Sagittarius, but not down five flights of stairs… on rollerskates. My good fellow, you’ve been fishing for trout when you should have tried to catch a break.

If the whole world’s a stage, Reykjavík is the seating next to the bathroom exits. The words Mr. Speare penned are forever sealed, yet your future is not determined by what was said four hundred years ago. It is determined by what I said, today, in this horotrope.