Give’Em The Old Razzle Dazzle

And a 5, 6, 7, 8… will you hit your mark or fall flat?

The curtain rises. The stage is set. Adler, Fosse, Sondheim, they roll in their graves. I don’t see this production going smoothly. Musical fans are rabid, not even the fates can protect you now. Let’s see what’s in store for your big debut.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Get thee to a nunnery Capricorn, it’s time to jam. This month, we’ll get to see if this Sister can Act…2 (And Whoopi Goldberg is gonna be there…2)

Aquarius (January 20 – Feb 18)

Do you hear the people sing, singing the song of angsty men? God, everyone is so damn Misérables but you’ve always had a revolutionary side. Keep that fire burning, Aquarius, until all of parliament is nothing but ashes.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re always in tune with others’ emotions, but this month you’ll discover more about yourself. Looks like the Cats out of the bag, Pisces. Welcome to the furry fandom, we’ve been waiting for you. Meeeeoooowwww.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Mamma Mia, here you go again! With Summer on the way, you’ll spend a lovely time on a lavish Greek island enjoying the company of three young bachelors. Take a chance, Aries!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

They know your name from Reykjavik to Broadway to Chicago, baby. Being Prima Donna is really all that jazz. But people are always vying for your top spot so you best watch your back, darling. You aren’t the only one reaching for that gun.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Alright, little orphan, let’s see if we can make you profitable. It’s a hard knock life, Gemini, and I’m here to make some fucking money. So sing, dammit sing! Keep dancing!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer, listen to me, the human world it’s a mess, life under the sea is better than anything they got up there! The seaweed is [REDACTED AS PER CLAUSE 3-2 OF THE CEASE AND DESIST LETTER].

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Leo, this month, don’t let the Phantoms of your past lead you astray in these dark halls. Take me to your sewer dungeon, ghost of my father, and mind that chandelier.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Ah Virgo, God made many poor people, if only you were a rich man, you’d be as happy as a Fiddler on a RÚV. Just look at Bjarni, he seems happy in all that dough.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This was going to be like a cheeky Hamilton reference, but we couldn’t get tickets. Sorry Libra, we were not in the room where it happened. We still have to wait for it. GEORGE WASHINGTON!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

It’s not fair that Taurus gets all the good roles, but as understudy there are a few ways to climb that ladder. You’ve been planning something for a while Scorpio, something Wicked (maybe a little Sapphic…what?)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

SHOW CANCELLED

NO REFUNDS

Well, so much for the encore. The curtain falls, you’re handed a cheap plastic bouquet. Exeunt stage left, your career ends here. I’m sure you’ll get by with children’s birthday parties. Some of the moms might even recognize you.