These Are The Days Of Your Lives

You have some nerve showing your face around here — may as well read your horoscope

Previously on Horotropes: After a season full of romance and blackmail during the family reunion arc, the Zodiacs are now ready to face a barrage of new and sexy challenges. Good God, is it episode 500 already? Let’s see what the writers have in store.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Heavy is the head that wears the crown, but as head of the family clan, remember that your heart is fragile. This season, you’ll dramatically clutch your chest as you double over after hearing news worthy of a season finale plot twist.

Aquarius (January 20 – Feb 18)

Amnesia sure makes things hard. This season, an extremely attractive person you can’t recall ever meeting will try and convince you that you’ve actually been married for 120 episodes. But will you trust them or your own memory… which, you know, you don’t have?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It will be an insult to bear when you find out at great-grandpappy’s funeral that he’s cut you out of the will just because you’re the half-bastard twice removed. This season, you’ll show them, you’ll show them all!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Congratulations Aries, you’ve made it. Even though you’ll appear only for half an episode this season, you will have the most fan edits. The number of people thirsting will be unreal.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

This season, when you’re at the altar ready to be wed, make sure your shocked visage is on camera as your ex-lover — the true father of your child — crashes the ceremony.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

It’s strange, people keep saying they saw you at times and places you couldn’t possibly have been. Will your secret twin resurface? You thought you had buried that secret long ago…

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Poor Cancer, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. They’ve kept you single for seven seasons now, the producers really have it out for you. How come every one of your love interests dies tragically before the episode ends?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You’re a bad bitch, they can’t kill you. You’ve got an ironclad contract and a pitbull of a manager. They’ve been trying to get rid of you since season five, but you keep coming back. This season, the writers will have to find even more convoluted reasons to keep you in the story, but that’s a them problem.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Sorry, we’re cutting your horoscope this season. We need the space for a dramatic and awkwardly edited close up shot that lasts about 35 seconds too long.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

I see change in your future Libra. Because this season, you’ll be recast as a completely different actor, although everyone will pretend like nothing has changed. Continuity be damned.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

The writers had you fake your death in Season 2 when you ducked out to get that nose job. But this season will see your triumphant return to the big screen! Well… the living room screen.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Oh Sagittarius, you just can’t catch a break. This will be your third coma in five seasons. First you were pushed down the stairs. Then there was the horseriding incident. And now your half-sister’s secret lover’s scheme to collect the insurance money will result in a fiery fiasco at the gallery you run. Get well soon.

Will Leo finally learn the true name of their father? Will Capricorn make it out of the stranded yacht? Will Pisces be reunited with Aquarius? Find out next time on Horotropes!