Horotropes: The Fates and the Furious

Racers, start your engines! This is it! The big race you’ve been training for, the one that’ll clear your family’s name and win you the money you need to pay back that mafia boss. Not to mention solidifying your status as Devil Driver Extraordinaire! But remember, in the end, it’s all about family! Let’s check under the hood to see what the stars have in store.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Just when you think you’re out, those racing rascals pull you back in. But you’ve never been able to stay away from a challenge. This month, you will face one last job, so oil up those old gears Capricorn, it’s racin’ time!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Remember Aquarius, you’re not just hot, you’re a hot mechanic. There are two facets to your persona but you’ll be damned if you’re not flaunting both of them this month. A character with many layers. Two, specifically.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, your intuition knows no bounds. This month, you’re going to have a tough time convincing these groups of complete strangers that they are in fact not a family but a polycule with a car hyperfixation.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for a change, Aries. This month you will feel the strong urge to completely shave your head, wear only dark tank tops, speak in a low growly voice, and change your name to something daring like Ben Zine.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Realistically your engine should have been completely busted, like, three laps ago. You’re a hunk of junk running on fumes, Taurus, but by god you will see the finish line! Even if all that’s left of you is a unicycle.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
After they kicked out of Reykjavik on account of the crimes, you’re on your way to becoming the rightful Drift Monarch of Akranes. The only thing that stands in your way is a one-on-one drag race goin all the way through the Hvalfjörður Tunnel.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are known for your sentimentality, Cancer, so this month you will find yourself thinking back to your gorgeous wife smiling and lounging in the bed as sunshine illuminates her… eyes on the road, Cancer, EYES ON THE ROAD!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
LEEEEEEEOOOOO- LEEEEEEEOOOO– LEEOO- LEEEOOO- LEEEEEEEOOO- Ah shit! All the horoscopes just drove by. I think you missed ‘em.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s heist time! To buy your freedom and keep yourself (and your cars) safe from the feds and the mafia, you’ll have to pull off the mother of all operations. We’re talking parachutes, driving up skyscrapers, ninjutsu and basically anything that spits in the face of the laws of physics. Godspeed.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Try as they might, they just can’t tie you down, Libra. You’ll show up in the thick of the action for a cameo and a snarky one-liner but in the end, it’s you and the sunset baby (plus that extra suitcase of money you swiped — but no one needs to know about that).

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This month everyone will wonder: who is that mysterious biker underneath that helmet? What’s your gender? What’s your motive? Where did you learn to drive like that? What’s with the katana?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’re free spirited, Sagittarius, and no one should be able to keep you down. Wait, is the double parked yellow Honda Fit yours? Sagittarius, they’re towing your car.

The Reykjavik Grapevine Horotropes provide a guess as to what possible futures hold. The words and content provided by these gasoline induced visions should not be considered advice. The Grapevine is not responsible for any vehicle based accidents, injuries or manslaughters. Get more here.