Horror-Scopes: The Fault In Your Stars

In Horror-Scopes, Grapevine’s dedicated team of professional astrologists breaks down your upcoming weeks based on shit like where the planet Venus was at the rough moment you were born.

Aries
Beware: If you don’t show up for the Pride Parade, you will be hit by a rogue glitter cannon and spend the next six months combing sparkles out of your unkempt hair. Don’t tempt the queer Gods.

Taurus
If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay away from Gullfoss.

Gemini
Travelling the Diamond Circle might just lead to a diamond in your circle, if you catch our drift. That said, avoid Icelandic Libras like the plague.

Cancer
Cancers are a fickle folk. Know what else is fickle? Love.

Leo
While celebrating your birthday at Kiki Queer Bar, you fall down the stairs and meet the love of your life in the hospital. Watch your feet if you’re not looking for commitment.

Virgo
Did you know that beer in Iceland was banned until 1989? While this might not seem relevant to you now, mull it over in the upcoming weeks. It might just be the answer you were looking for.

Libra
You’re just a small town girl living in a Gríndavík world. Take the midnight Strætó to Reykjavík and live your truth, baby.

Scorpio
Scorpios are notoriously evil and you are no exception, my friend.

Sagittarius
As the nights draw in and the summer warmth is sucked from the air, you long for the days when you can once again creep through the streets of Reykjavík, stalking your prey. Yessss. Your time is nigh, Sagittarius.

Capricorn
You definitely need to get that tested.

Aquarius
You’re still playing “Take Me To Church” by Hozier? What year is it?

Pisces
Ah, Pisces. Much like the final season of ‘Game of Thrones,’ you’ve been disappointing a lot of people recently. Make like Daenerys Targaryen or Eyjafjallajökull and simply burn everything or everyone that makes you angry, unless they are a Scorpio. Those bitches are evil.

Want a detailed reading? Tweet us your moon sign, blood type and current distance from Gullfoss and we’ll do our best to get back to you.