Knock Knock Knockin’ On Reykjavík’s Door: Also Bands That Should Retire

Notoriously relevant rockers Guns N’ Roses will be welcoming Reykjavík to their aural jungle on July 24th. The concert will be Iceland’s biggest concert ever—take that Justin Bieber—and ticket prices range between 30,000 ISK and 88,000 ISK ($280 to $822). At the time of this writing, there are only 24 left according to the ticket selling website. Sweet Jesus (O’ Mine)!

Based on the infamous nature of Guns N’ Roses fans, we assume it’ll most definitely be a riotous repeat of Montreal ‘92, with Icelanders tearing down Laugardalsvöllur and looting Laugardalur. Hey, the grass is green there and the girls are pretty.

That was all a joke. None of that will happen as the fans of this band are now over 50 and will only be at the concert as they got a babysitter for the night so they could drive up from Seltjarnarnes and get shitfaced. Earplugs will be ubiquitous. The strongest drug in the vicinity will be Lipitor. Talks will probably centre around the upcoming Billy Idol concert.

That said, we’re happy Icelanders have something to smile about during this miserable summer. And to be helpful, we’ve compiled a list of similarly cool and contemporary bands that should retire…oops, we mean also play in Iceland.

Bon Jovi

In 1987, Axl Rose punched a fan in the face after the fan told Axl he looked like Bon Jovi. Afterwards, Rose was quoted as saying, “Bon Jovi can suck my dick.”

In Iceland, as you know, we’re all about justice. Remember how we jailed our bankers? That means we’re pretty much required to give Bon Jovi a chance to serve up a bigger and better show than the Roses. After this sure-to-be-lit production, Axl will hope he’s compared to Mr. Jovi!

Moreover, Bon Jovi’s last Billboard topping hit was in 1989. That was practically yesterday! Go to karaoke bars around Reykjavík and you’re guaranteed to here a slaughtering of ‘You Give Love A Bad Name’. Tickets like this are sure to sell for five times the price of GNR’s stubs.

Grateful Dead

Didn’t Grateful Dead officially stop playing together after Jerry died, I hear you say? Well, you’re clearly an idiot because the band plays all the time now as Dead & Company. Shake my head, you call yourself a Deadhead?

While Dead & Company only technically has two original Dead members—drummer Mickey Hart only joined in 1967, which practically makes him a guest performer—they teamed up with John motherfucking Mayer in 2015 to form this totally hip shebang. That’s right, Grateful Dead and John motherfucking Mayer? What could possibly be more hip, relevant, or cool?

While headliners like Stormzy and Die Antwoord have gotten the youngins’ rockin at past Icelandic festivals, we know what they really need is a 15-minute long instrumental. C’mon, in Iceland mushrooms grow in traffic circles. This is basically the Deadhead Mecca.

Ted Nugent

When you think about important musicians of the modern day, the obvious one that comes to mind is Ted Nugent. The fantastically talented and innovative visionary is, in the Grapevine office, often compared to Mozart. This mind-blowing intellectual is the author of such penetrating lyrics as, “I got you in a stranglehold baby, last night I crushed your face.” We’re even embarrassed he’s mentioned in the same article as Guns N’ Roses, Bon Jovi, or Grateful Dead. He’s clearly on a completely different level!

While you might think the only reason his name is still broached in society is due to his connection with the President of the United States and for advocating the use of violence against opponents of gun control, that is so not true! All over the world he is celebrated for his contributions to music and for calling Barack Obama a “subhuman mongrel.”

In the future, he will definitely be pinned next to Jimi Hendrix and Prince, so the fact that he has not played in Iceland is an obvious attack on our human rights.

Rob Zombie

Remember hits such as ‘Dragula’ and ‘Living Dead Girl’? Neither do we!

Just kidding, everyone knows there’s nothing cooler than shock rock in this world of lo-fi trap and ethereal indie. Rob Zombie still graces the playlists of hipsters everywhere and, as he’s currently touring with Marilyn Manson, we propose they join up with Nine Inch Nails, Korn, and P.O.D. to just go the whole spooky nine yards. Trust us, everywhere from Kaffibarinn to Prikið is bumpin’ ‘Superbeast’.

If this concert isn’t a massive profit for Iceland, we will close this paper down, mark our words.