Oh, Those Summer Smites: No Games, Gylfi’s Wedding, Sexy Rúrik Update

It’s the summer fallow season, when cottongrass blows through the air, the only sound anyone wants to hear is ice falling into a glass, and Iceland’s brave smiters take some time off from humiliating England, saving penalties from Messi, and repelling mobs of angry Turks.

However, there’s still plenty of news to report, from weddings, to transfers, injuries, Sexy Rúrik updates, and online travails. Here’s your latest roundup of the goings on in Camp Smite.

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A post shared by Gylfi Sigurdsson (@gylfisig23) on Jun 21, 2019 at 2:13am PDT

The invasion of Italy

If you follow Iceland’s footballing internationals on Instagram, you’ll have noticed that Gylfi Sigurðsson got married this June when your entire feed was overtaken with shiny-faced, gel-coiffed, orange-tanned smiters in beach-sneakers and blazers.

“Gylfi was wed to Alexandra Ívarsdóttir in a ceremony that unnamed insiders called ‘an Ásatrú extravaganza.’”

Taking a break from his trademark darting runs, fiery inswinging shots, laser-guided free kicks and skied penalties, Gylfi “the twinkle toed maimer” and the rambunctious holidaying horde romped over to Lake Como for the ceremony. Gylfi was duly wed to model Alexandra Ívarsdóttir in a ceremony that unnamed insiders called “an Ásatrú extravaganza,” including horns of mead and invocations of Freyja and Frigg under a streaming man-made waterfall pouring the tears of Gylfi’s smaught enemies over the assembled throng, who partied like it was 1399.

Also unconfirmed were rumours of heightened security at local museums and vaults; indeed, the presence of so many plunder-curious Vikings in one place is enough to send a shiver down the spine of any sensible Italian noble. Afterwards, Gylfi and Alexandra set sail for the Maldives, Singapore and Bali on their honeymoon, and the horde snuck away on the longship under cover of darkness, vanishing creepily from whence they came.

Sexy Rúrik loses Insta-million

In other football romance news, Rúrik Gíslason is no longer a member of the Instagram millionaire club. “Sexy” Rúrik went viral during Iceland’s ill-fated inaugural World Cup run, despite playing for just a few minutes. His flowing locks and craggy features managed to captivate a large online audience, who immediately started stalking him on Instagram, sending his follower count rapidly up through the hundreds of thousands to the magic million mark.

“Rúrik recently made the faux-pas of revealing himself to be a human person with a normal life.”

It turned out most of this new army of fans were women from South America, putting Rúrik in the unlikely position of being an influencer of young Peruvian ladies. It also led to some lucrative modelling contracts that have, by all accounts, far outpaced Rurik’s income as a sportsman.

However, Rúrik recently made the faux-pas of revealing himself to be a human person with a normal life, thus alienating his lusty masses. His crime? He posted a picture of himself with a sultry lady-friend at the aforementioned wedding, prompting an immediate drop of over 8,000 followers, who presumably went into mourning, beating their pillows and crying rivers of mascara like widows in a telenovela. Will they forgive Sexy Rúrik? Or will he stride boldly forth with his beautiful belle and conquer the world regardless? Tune in next issue to find out.

Holidays and boot camp

No sooner is one season over, than another begins. After the festivities of GylfStock—and some holidays back in the motherland—the smiters have been reporting for pre-season training at their clubs.

Some are staying put. Jóhann “The Berg” Guðmundsson posted a classic tourist pic of himself at the Seljalandsfoss waterfall before getting back to the business of improving on his injury-smitten 2018/19 campaign as he rejoins Premier League stragglers Burnley. Alfreð “The Arctic Fox in the Box” Finnbogason is recovering from a tendon injury and hoping to cement his rightful place as Augsburg’s top striker; Aron Gunnarsson, as previously reported, is heading from Cardiff to Qatar for Al Arabi; and star player Gylfi will remain at Everton.

Others are moving to new battlefields. Ari Skúlason has signed a two-year contract at KV Oostende, where he’ll play as an attacking left-back. Things are less sure for Birkir “Horror Hooves” Bjarnason, who was pictured communing with his kin on a horse-riding trip in Akureyri recently. After a torrid period of bench-warming at newly promoted Aston Villa, he could be seeking to re-establish himself as a first team regular—although rumours abound about his future. All will be revealed in due course.

Read more about the sagas of Icelandic football, and Sexy Rúrik, here. Follow us on Twitter for international matchday commentary.