#IcelandSmites: How We’ll Decimate France At Euro 2020

DRUMS! Drums in the deep! That’s right: our football team is abroad once more… and our Iceland Euro 2020 smiting destiny is calling.

Young warlords rise up
Iceland’s squad for the imminent conquest of Euro 2020 has been announced. Alongside the scarred and battle-hardened monsters like Aron Gunnarsson and Hannes Halldórsson, there are some fresh young faces joining the horde. 19-year-old mercenary midfielder Arnór Sigurðsson, who spends his days scything down opponents for CSKA Moscow, recently became the youngest Icelandic player ever to appear in the Champions League, with his call-up coming after he scored against European megaliths Roma and Real Madrid. Defender Hjörtur Hermansson also gets the nod. This feisty young warlord was an unused sub at Euro 2016, but says the call-up was “the best day of his life.” Perhaps his new best day will soon be the time he cleaved the heads from the shoulders of seven screaming Andorrans on his way to drinking the mead of his enemies from the Euro 2020 trophy.

Veterans sharpen their claws
Iceland’s fearsome veterans have all been warming up for the Euros in their own special way. Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson hit the headlines when a darting run forced a foul from granite-faced northern lad Harry McGuire, drawing an early red card in the fourth minute of the Burnley-Newcastle relegation scrap. Fleet-footed, sharp shooting striker Alfreð Finnbogason was back from injury just in time for the qualifiers, appearing for Augsburg and clocking up some valuable minutes for the forthcoming conquest. Birkir Bjarnason, on the other hand, has kept it traditional, staying confined to the Aston Villa bench instead of achieving his smiting destiny by galloping ruthlessly over the splintered skulls of his enemies.

First we take Andorra…
It’s not often that Iceland get to feel like international big boys on the football stage. The Laugardalsvöllur national stadium in Iceland has only two stands, and seats 15,000; it can be a desolate location, with evil weather whipping in from the sea and bewitching the ball onto unexpected trajectories. However, inexplicably small tax haven Andorra—population 85,000—does exactly that. Their Estadi Nacional seats a grand total of 3,306, and sits amongst the Pyrenees mountains, overlooked by some weird, desolate-seeming tower blocks. The playing surface is 3G astro-turf, which we assume means it can boost your phone signal. As yet unconfirmed is how it stands up to the ganshing claws of Iceland’s indomitable warriors as they charge towards the hapless, unfortunate prey lined up before them.

… then we take Paris
Only a slight change of gear need take place for second qualifying game against World Cup holders France. In the 80,000 seater Stade de France, located just north of Paris in Saint-Denis, Iceland will finally settle the score for past indignities. Namely: last time Iceland faced off against the flouncing Frenchmen, we led the game until the 90th minute, when they were awarded a bullshit last-minute penalty by a weak-minded ref, and this narrowly avoided the true smiting that they deserve. This time, no such quarter will be given. Aron will casually pocket Mbappe, Hannes will give Giroud the fear with his stare of certain destruction, and Gylfi will embarrass Lloris with one of his trademark unstoppable curling stunners. We will leave with every barrel of the country’s Château Margaux stock stowed aboard the longship, and the victory party when we land once more on the docks of Hafnarfjörður will be one for the ages.

Read more about Iceland’s Euro2020 winning destiny here.