Horror-Scopes: Easter Edition

This month’s horoscope has an Easter theme. If you’re not familiar with this holiday, it’s when the Easter Bunny was crucified and sealed in a giant egg for three days before emerging again to ascend to the North Pole. It’s true. Look it up if you don’t believe us.

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
Congratulations Capricorn! You’re blessed to share your star sign with the one and only Jesus Christ—and we all know things turned out great for him. Just stay away from nails this month, maybe.

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
Speaking of Jesus, you should spend this holiday weekend sealed in your tomb-like room, only to emerge late on Sunday.

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
Take a lesson from the Good Book and refrain from dropping hot takes that are going to get you crucified (on Twitter).

Aries: March 21st – April 19th
For a festive twist, consider changing out the enormous ‘JET FUEL CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS’ flag that hangs from your window for one that reads ‘RABBITS DON’T LAY CHOCOLATE EGGS’.

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
(Youth pastor voice): Let me tell you about another “weird guy” with long hair and a lot of “crazy ideas” about peace and love. His name is Alan Moore. You should follow his example and spend more time on your writing.

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
Oh my GOD for the last freakin time, we KNOW Easter used to be a pagan holiday shut up already jeez.

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
In April you read that the Pareto principle states that roughly 80% of outcomes come from 20% of causes. “Interesting,” you murmur indistinctly, as you stare bleakly at the 6,400 marshmallow chicks strewn around your room after only being able to eat 1,600 from your original purchase.

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
Scholars of early Christianity point out that there were more denominations of Christianity in the first century than there are now. This included the writing of numerous gospels that never made the final cut into the Holy Bible, as they were declared heretical by the Council of Nicea. One of those was the Gospel of Mary, a Sethian Gnostic text which contended that Jesus actually taught the true Word of God to Mary Magdalene, who in turn was supposed to be the real leader of the One True Church. There’s no lesson to be learned from this; we just think it’s a cool fact.

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
Yeah, sure, you know it’s great that we don’t have crucifixions anymore. But what about the poor cross-builders? Who’s thinking about them in all this? Have they unionised? You sincerely hope so.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
Another important story from the Bible can teach us a lot about how you should continue to take the pandemic seriously. The mask mandate may be lifted, and social gathering restrictions no longer apply, but you would do well to keep washing your hands.

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
Judas Iscariot gets a bad rep for betraying Jesus for 30 pieces of silver, but do you know how much that would be in today’s money? Let’s look it up.. Just over $440?? Wow, yeah, fuck that guy.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
This time last year you and your ex were eggs-tremely in love. Now, you could say, she’s just some-bunny that you used to know.