Do Shit: Pass As An Icelander

If you’ve been following the Do Shit series for a while, you should be able to do a lot of shit by now. We assume you’ve gotten your legal status squared away, successfully filed your taxes, gotten housing benefits, joined a union, and been checked for breast cancer. So hopefully things are pretty ship-shape.

Even so, feeling truly at home in Iceland can be more of a long-term project. Maybe people clock your accent and immediately start offering you noob advice you learned years ago. Or maybe you’re trying to work on your spoken Icelandic, but people switch to English the second you open your mouth. In these cases, it could be good to “pass” as Icelandic. And guess what? We’ve got some advice for y’all on how to do exactly that. So here are a few things you can try to vanish into the crowd, and pass as a native islander.

1. Always use the absolute maximum allowance at the duty free
You can start blending in as soon as you set foot on Icelandic soil with an extravagant trolley dash at the Duty Free store in arrivals. This is a place of true joy for Icelanders. Alcohol — and especially hard liquor — is prohibitively expensive in Iceland due to sky-high taxes, so you’ll see Icelanders absolutely maxing out their allowance. Couples and families will have a trolley that looks like they’re opening a bar. It’ll be stacked with trays of beer, whisky, and wine or aperitif. They probably have some útlönd contraband hidden in their case, too. Top up your trolley with some doorstop-sized bags of liquorice and a roll of snus, and you’re good to go.

2. Don’t queue for anything, ever
Something else you might notice Icelanders doing — or rather, not doing — is queueing in a traditional fashion. While English, Americans, and people of many other nationalities are overly polite, fastidious, habitual, natural (read: obsessive) queuers, often asking, “are you waiting?” before falling neatly into line, Icelanders have no such qualms about getting served. Stride boldly into any establishment like it’s your house, plaster a big grin on your face, and exclaim “HÆHÆ!” towards nobody in particular at high volume. You’re Icelandic, baby.

3. Eat ice cream outdoors in the dead of winter like a maniac
There’s a certain gung-ho “fuck it” attitude towards winter in Iceland. You’ll hear people saying, “there’s no bad weather, only bad clothing” — and they’ll mean it, too. In the dead of winter, when there are only a few hours of sunlight and the temperature hovers around zero for months on end, you’ll see Icelandic families standing outside of any ice cream place in town, dressed like the Michelin man and chowing down on a gelato as if the winter isn’t even happening. If you wanna pass as Icelandic, bundle up and join the throng.

4. Learn how to pretend it’s summer
Summer is a fleeting thing in Iceland that’s kind of half season, and half religious belief. After six months of the pitch dark, icy, storm-lashed shitshow that is the endless winter season, Icelanders are absolutely desperate for summertime to arrive — so much so, they’ll try to will it into existence. In that spirit, throw on a pair of shorts and some sunglasses at the first sign of blue sky in April or May, and go marching around town like you’re on a tropical beach holiday. Learn to steel yourself and pretend you’re not absolutely freezing. Whip out the barbecue in your back garden and try to quickly char some pulsa (or pylsa, depending on which camp you belong to) before it starts snowing again. It’s all make believe — but whatever it takes to stay sane, y’know?

5. Áttu kaffi, AEÐI!, svona, og hérna, HA?, jæja!
Even if your Icelandic isn’t stellar yet, you can freewheel your way through some conversations with just a handful of common buzzwords. Upon entering any room, from a library, to a gas station, to someone’s house, immediately utter, “áttu kaffi?”, your under-caffeinated eyes scanning the scene hopefully. If there is indeed coffee, exclaim, “ÆÐI!” and go get some. If someone says something to you, say, “HA?” and then mumble, “já… nei… og hérna…” as if you’re slowly processing what’s been said. A couple of progressively quieter, “jæjas”, you’ll be free to sidle away.

6. Have kids first, then get married
If you really wanna commit to the bit, few things are more Icelandic than having kids by accident then getting into a relationship as a result. It’s a bit more forward than dating traditions elsewhere, which usually involve, you know — having a coffee, going to the museum, escalating to a dinner date, and that sort of thing. In Iceland, it’s more, have kids first and ask questions later. Good luck with that, Íslendingur.

Learn how to do more shit here.