Horror-Scopes: Deep Space Nine Edition

In this edition of Horror-Scopes, we’re going to tell you which character you are in the objectively best Star Trek franchise, Deep Space Nine, based on your sun sign. And no, neither Kai Winn nor Gul Dukat will not be making an appearance here. That would be downright insulting. Let’s go!

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Aries: March 21st – April 19th
You are Worf, son of Mogh—serious, strong, and with an undying warrior’s heart. The only thing more powerful than your sense of honour is your refusal to take a joke. Work on that!

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
Congratulations, Taurus, you’re Odo, the chief of security. Nothing annoys you more than someone flouting the rules, i.e., the only thing holding the fabric of society together. Only you get to break the rules, doesn’t anyone know that?

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
To some, you are but a humble tailor, but to others, a quick-witted and cunning spy. You are Garak, and honestly, no one is fooled by your duplicitousness.

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
Can I interest you in the bargain of a lifetime? Being just like Quark the Ferengi, your wheeling and dealing definitely gets you your share of gold-plated latinum—and a reputation for stealth. Caveat emptor indeed!

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
Good news, Leo, you are Commander Benjamin Sisko. A natural leader with a commanding personality, who always sticks up for the little guy, and just the slightest flexibility of morality when needed.

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
Sweet, humble, and endlessly loving, you are Professor Keiko O’Brien (née Ishikawa). Your loved ones can always count on you, but may the Prophets help anyone who ever crosses you.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
Much like the Chief Science Officer Jadzia Dax, you are cool, graceful, precocious, but can also work harder than anyone else—provided some good-hearted fun doesn’t distract you.

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
You might fancy yourself a smoother operator and an expert at seduction, but you’re about as smooth as Chief Medical Officer Julian Bashir. And much like Julian, you’ll probably get much further once you tone down your ego and let your talents speak for themselves.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
You are First Officer Kira Nerys! Strong-willed and with a powerful sense of justice, but not without your romantic side, you would fit in well with any Bajoran resistance militia.

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
Steady, dependable, and with the work ethic of a Clydesdale, you are Chief of Operations Miles O’Brien. There’s always a problem cropping up, and it’s always on you to fix it. Give yourself a rest from time to time.

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
Yes, even the Dominion makes an appearance in this horoscope, as you are Weyoun, the Vorta clone who could be a master of diplomacy, but with the sense to know when to cut your losses. Watch out for those Klingons!

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
You are Rom, little brother of Quark. Always underestimated, you still have the ability to organise and rally allies against the status quo when needed. Chin up; you’re capable of good things.