Help? Call The Grapevine! Criminals, Housewares, Bike Bells, And Seasonal Depression

Seeking advice about the future? Problems with lovers? Just have something you need to get off your chest? Call The Grapevine.

C.M. Läspä asks: IF I was to move to Reykjavík, where do I find such banal things as carpet stores, furniture stores, home furnishings like drapes/blinds/lamps, small appliance stores, etc.? (The new stuff—I already know where the used places are.) Is there a printed directory OR directory website—or is the answer IKEA?

Have we ever told you how much we love Skeifan? It’s basically a giant parking lot, with LA-style traffic jams during rush hour. But it kinda has everything you need. Hence the traffic. Drive there for safety reasons. This place isn’t built for pedestrians, and if you do get hit, it is so much more comfortable if the impact is mostly absorbed by a car. Otherwise, there is always Facebook Marketplace and bland.is.

Heather asks: How come criminals get away with their crimes?

The answer is go big, or go to jail. If you venture into petty crime, you might find yourself with free lodging in one of the very few incarceration facilities we have in Iceland. Unless the waiting list happens to be too long, which it often is, and you’ll simply never have to do time for your crime. If you want to avoid that hassle altogether, being well-connected and/or rich, while engaging in questionable white collar-esque ventures, will usually prove to be both profitable and unlikely to land you in jail. Sure, your reputation will take a hit, if you have one, but you’ll be wiping away the tears that it causes you, with sweet, sweet bundles of cash.

Ah, you say, isn’t Iceland famous for being the only place that punished the white collar criminals who caused the 2008 crash? Well, sort of. Some of them got to spend a few months in a vacation home in Snæfellsnes called “Jail”, while the rest of us tried to pay off our mortgages under far less relaxed conditions, thanks to the post-crash hyper inflation.

Mark asks: When wi​​ll Iceland develop a bike bell culture? The number of bicycles and electric scooters on sidewalks is significant, and they often make little or no sound. As a pedestrian, more than once I’ve found myself strolling on a sidewalk or bike/pedestrian lane, seemingly alone, when I’m suddenly passed from behind by a silent, high-speed wheeled vehicle. All good and well, but for that random time when I (often) veer suddenly to the side to look at a rock or flower on the side of the path (after all, I seem to be alone). That’s a good recipe for a Landspitali visit that could easily be remedied by a simple, single “ding” from 20 metres behind me.

We think it is too late to teach Icelanders how to use a bell. They hardly know how to honk a car horn either. The solution is to ban scooters and bikes and make all of those Icelanders who don’t want to drive a car, ride a chopper. Those things you can hear from miles away, and thus your problem would be solved. Can you imagine a more appropriate vehicle for the dystopian Mad Max-esque kill-or-be-killed world we’re drifting into? And no, it’s not a motorcycle baby, it’s a chopper. That’s a Tarantino reference. He came to Iceland and made fun of minorities. A real charmer.

Bs asks: How come when you ask in bookstores for materials on the Reykjavik Confessions / Sævar Ciesielski / unsolved murders / wrongful imprisonment case everyone behaves as if no such series of events ever occurred?

We don’t walk into bookstores and ask for such materials, and we’re offended that you presume we did. We walk into bookstores and ask for books worth fucking reading. We’re the home of Arnaldur Indriðason, motherfucker.

Elizaveta asks: Hi Grapevine! I moved to Iceland in June, one of the reasons for moving was that I like to hike, and it is a perfect place for hiking. But I do not manage to find people to hike with. What is your advice on this matter?

Yeah. That’s a good question. We’ve thought about starting a Grapevine hiking club, but have not acted on that thought yet. Would you join? Would a monthly hike do, or should we be more ambitious? Separately, we’re starting a sidewalk chopper club.

Tammy asks: Is there vegetarian food in Reykjavik , I’ve heard that there have been dangerous knife attacks & spiked drinks lately, is it safe to visit as a lone female visitor & my last question , when Björk djs at Smekkleysa, is there a way to purchase a ticket ahead of time or how can one be sure to get in if one goes to her events there ? Where is a decent place to stay that’s central if no car? Sorry so many questions.

DJ Björk is a hidden person of the tribe of hidden people. And as we mortals know, hidden people stay hidden, unless they choose not to. Actually Björk tends to do DJ sets on a full moon, when she’s a) in the country, and b) in the mood. [] There are no tickets, you just show up. As for the other questions: vegetarian food, yes; stabbings and spiked drinks, rarities; hotels, yes but expensive.

Your question about where to stay. You don’t mention sleep, which is wise. Our bus system is improving, so as most are priced out of central Reykjavik, just take what you can get and bus it back. Or… consider a chopper.

Emily asks: Can we start a seasonal depression group chat

Way to ruin the mood, Em! Life of the party! If we’re honest, that’s a healthy, good idea. Or you can do as the locals do: consume copious amounts of Zoloft and booze and not talk about how they feel while failing to orgasm.

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