Well, You Asked: Say Ha?

Stuck in a sticky situation? Don’t worry, Grapevine’s advice column is here to help you.

I’ve been living in the Icelandic countryside for the last five years, but my partner and I are planning to move back to Reykjavík this summer. Any tips, advice, recommendations for an Alabama country mouse about to move into the big city?

First of all, you need to watch out for the hustlers with their cards and cups. Those guys will skin you alive if you are not careful enough. I would recommend that you would watch all of John Waters’ movies so when you finally meet those degenerate city folks—all of whom have sought out an abortion in the 22nd week just because they felt like it—you won’t feel too much of a culture shock. I also recommend that you bring your bible with you for moral support and don’t forget to dress in your Sunday best, just to let them know that your serious about that shit. If all else fails, just hit people with your bible and scream: The power of Christ compels you!

How do I keep from reacting badly to someone responding to me with “HA?” I’ve lived in Iceland for almost 20 years and it still grates my nerves like cheese. I can’t hide it.

The short answer is; don’t restrain yourself. It’s perfectly healthy to react really badly when someone says ‘Ha?’ to you. Because it’s goddamn disrespectful language and the individual that dares to use such language in a conversation is either mocking you or telling you in a loud voice that you are an idiot. These kind of people don’t understand anything else then the language of abusive, so you should just unleash your wrath on their asses and explain to them how ‘Ha?’ grates on your nerves—like cheese!—after having to listen to it for twenty long years! Then I would strongly recommend some kind of anger management. And if that doesn’t work, just scream at the guilty ‘Ha?’-ers from the top of your lungs: The power of Christ compels you! That’ll throw them off most of the time.

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