Well, You Asked: Being British, Neighbour Feuds, Getting Stood Up

Got a problem that needs solving, a burning issue that needs addressing, a matter that needs settling? We at the Grapevine are here to help.

How do I sufficiently apologise for being British when abroad?
As Brits are already well-known for dropping “sorry” with great frequency in everyday conversation, it’d need to be a pretty stand-out apology to be sure. Money always makes the perfect gift for any occasion, for example, so consider treating people to dinner, or just hand them a bag of cash if you’re not the social type. That said, as an American, the irony of me offering any advice on apologising to the rest of the world on behalf of one’s country is not lost on me.

My cat leaves dead mice on my neighbour’s pillow every night and my neighbour thinks it’s me doing it. What should I do?
What human being would believe another fellow human being is leaving dead mice on their pillow, when a perfectly culpable and much more likely feline suspect is readily available? Cats don’t even know their right to avoid self-incrimination and are physically incapable of verbally defending themselves. Your neighbour clearly has some weird vendetta with you and nothing you say is going to convince them, sorry.

What’s the longest time I should wait in a pub before accepting I’ve been stood up?
Oh, honey. Have you not heard of the 30 Minute Rule? If someone’s running that late and doesn’t even have the courtesy to text their deferred arrival, you’ve been stood up. Take heart, though: it’s entirely possible they showed up after all, but scoped you from a distance and decided to silently leave. OK, that doesn’t actually sound very comforting now that I write it down.