Horror-Scopes: 2022 Edition

In this edition of Horror-Scopes, our mystic mind readers are tapping into the anthropomorphised positions of stars to tell you what 2022 has in store for you. This is 100% scientifically accurate. Look it up if you don’t believe us.

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th
The start of the new year belongs to you, dear Capricorn, so make sure you start it right. Dust your anime girl figurines. Wash your dakimakura (seriously). Re-organise your manga collection in alphabetical order. This is your year to get organised.

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th
Everyone wants a hot goth gf. But has anyone asked the hot goth gf what she wants? Make your wishes and desires known this year. Even to those who should know better. You’ll be glad you did.

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th
You know that one family member who leaves passive-aggressive comments on your Facebook posts? Who will share poorly-sourced anti-mask articles and tag you in them? Who cannot seem to stfu about who the U.S. president actually is? Good news: this is the year you piss them off so bad they block you for good.

Aries: March 21st – April 19th
Don’t know what to tell you, Aries, since, no matter what we say, you’re not going to listen if you happen to disagree with it, so let’s just assume we said this’ll be the best year of your life and keep that confirmation bias chugging happily along.

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th
This will be the year you are finally rid of the awful stench arising from a co-worker microwaving fish in the office kitchen. Because you’ll be working from home.

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th
For 2022, you will finally get into a series at the same time everyone else is. So long, late-to-the-party syndrome; hello hype train!

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd
For the love of all things holy, throw out those “underpants”.

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd
You started 2020 by announcing it was your, “Year to shine,” and 2021 by saying, “So long Covid!” For 2022, we’d like you to stop making predictions. Leave that to us, please.

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
You begin January 2022 as you do every new year: naked in the bathroom of your parents’ house, carefully removing every single one of your body hairs with tweezers. Only when this task is complete can you start the new year as god intended: smooth and hairless, like a happy baby newt.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd
“It’s New Year’s? Honestly I hadn’t noticed, haha. What’s this? Oh it’s just the hottest, most popular bullet journal that I’ve already filled with meticulous plans for the coming 12 months. Colour coded, of course. No, you can’t touch it.”

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st
Time to start howling at the moon, I guess.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st
After watching ‘Don’t Look Up’ over the holidays, you are unsure what energy is best to take into 2022: the burning fury at living in a technologically stupefied and inherently unjust world, or the burning desire to make out with nerd Jennifer Lawrence. We’re here to tell you: definitely both.