Last Words: The GOP Proves Zombies Would Win

In Max Brooks’ superb novel ‘World War Z: An Oral History Of The Zombie War’, a zombie virus is created—curiously, due to tainted water in a small town in China, but I digress—and is spread through the world, often by people who knew they were bitten by an infected person and still inexplicably travel to other countries, subsequently infecting people there. Some are looking for elusive cures; others are fleeing chaos, but all of them knowingly put their family, friends, and literally every other person on Earth in danger.

This happens so often in zombie media—Resident Evil, The Last Of Us, Shaun Of The Dead—that it’s become a trope. We laugh, wondering who on Earth would do something so fucking idiotic and selfish? Most of us assume that no one would be so heartless and delusional that they would—knowing they were inflicted with a massively contagious deadly virus—go and hang out with their family, friends, doctors, politicians and even a Supreme Court nominee, right? Who would do that?

Well, I suppose you know where I’m going with this.

Yes, in an amazing feat of hubris, the Trump administration—in but a few hours, accompanied by cocktails—just ensured that one single building in the 3rd largest country in the world now has more active coronavirus cases than some entire countries.

The White House is currently—at the time of writing—a hotbed of COVID-19, having literally hosted a super-spreader event. And what’s come out of the #RoseGardenMassacre? A host of infections among everyone from the President himself to numerous Republican senators to bottle-blonde robots Kayleigh McEnany and Kellyanne Conway. Note that Kellyanne lied to her 15 year-old daughter about her diagnosis, subsequently infecting her, which we only found out about via her daughter’s whistleblower TikTok. That’s 2020 for you.

By the time you’re reading this, it’s very possible one of them may have died. It’s very possible one may have infected a family member, a dear friend, or an employee. It’s very possible that the GOP itself might have lost themselves the opportunity to appoint Aunt Lydia to the Supreme Court because of their own arrogance. It’s very possible this might cause Mitch McConnell to explode.

All we know? In the event of a zombie apocalypse, stay the fuck away from Hope Hicks.

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