Here at the Grapevine we’ve grown to dread Mondays less than usual. Sure, they’re still the day you have to get your shit together, when you can’t (or maybe shouldn’t) continue your weekend bender—but they’re also only a day away from York Underwood‘s Soup Tuesday, which have become a weekly staple that we feel we can depend on.
But not today. No, today, Souper York is down with the flu. Although we’re still dumbfounded with how to face the rest of the week, we figured it was no reason to let you, the reader, despair, so we’re publishing another recipe that’s served us well over the years.
Traditional Grapevine Non-Alcoholic Soup
Preparation Time: One minute.
Cooking Time: One minute.
This soup is in many ways the lifeblood of the Grapevine. It has kept us going on the darkest print week, and it has revitalised us during the roughest hangover.
1. Grab a cup. Preferably one that hasn’t been cleaned properly in years and is full of your own bacteria and coffee stains. Seriously, nothing else will keep other people from stealing your coffee.
2. Place the cup under the coffee machine that’s been around since the dawn of time.
3. If your coffee machine is as fancy as ours is, it will have multiple settings. Here is where you can get creative, or go for the true and tested option like we did, selecting “two small cups” (it tastes the least of ass).
4. This is the tricky part! Once you’ve made your choice, you have to wait—sometimes it’s a minute, sometimes it’s two—as the machine grinds the beans, boils the water, and mixes the two into delicious fluid.
5. Have that first sip. If it’s too watery, maybe you forgot to add coffee beans (refill the machine and repeat from step 3). If it’s satisfactory, return to your desk.
6. Enjoy the fruits of your labour as you continue labouring. Protip: The more electronics you can fit around you, the more productive you are.
If you have a hankering for what purists call “real soup,” check out York’s Soup Tuesday articles: