Ok, I’m going to start this review off with a little addendum. I know some people—I’m mainly talking about my fellow writer York Underwood here—sent my article to GP. Thanks for fucking with me, guys. At the same time though, I also know that GP didn’t read it, and you know why? Because I saw him today, and I went up to him, so ready to apologize for how fucking crazy I am, but he had literally no idea what I was talking about. (Or if he did, he had the best poker face in the world, like better than Lady Gaga.) Anyway, we then talked for a bit, and he’s a really nice and smart guy, so now I am like 100x more embarrassed. Like we probably totally could have been friends, but now he’s going to read my article and be like “What the hell is wrong with his girl? I will never roro with her.” That’s right man, no roro for me.
But this article is not about guys finding me crazy. If you want to hear about that, I can totally refer you to a list of my exs (email@example.com).
Let’s get back to Secret Solstice. That’s why we’re here, right? Anyway, today was fantastic. I had so much fun! It was, if possible, better than yesterday, and better than any day of Solstice last year. Maybe the best festival day ever…
I started off the day by watching Tiny (Is it weird to link to his Facebook? I can’t find a fan page.) I’m going to be honest—I didn’t know any of his songs beforehand but I’d heard so much about him that I had to check him out. He is, like his name, a small guy, but he’s super energetic. Running around stage like the energizer bunny, Tiny pumped up the crowd and made everybody move. I was alone—all my friends wanted to drink at the campsite, totally lame—but I still grooved around a little bit.
Tiny writes in English—the only Icelandic rapper to do so, I believe. I usually don’t pay much attention to lyrics, but he has such a fresh vibrant voice that you can’t help but listen to absolutely every word he is saying. He also has this youthful energy that’s contagious. I left his performance super smiley, like I had just talked to my crush in middle school.
Way later in the night, I was introduced to him at Hell, and I’m telling you, he is such a sweet guy. The people I was with instantly regaled him with my embarrassing article from yesterday and I felt like Tiny genuinely didn’t judge me, or at least, if he did, he hid it so well. I totally appreciated that man. Thanks, Tiny.
After Tiny, I was still alone so I aimlessly walked around the festival for a while. After a lap, I came to the conclusion that music festivals are the best environments ever. There were so many groups of friends, couples, families, etc. having fun together that it made me tear up like when I watch Love Actually. I saw people smiling, laughing, frolicking in the sunshine and I was filled with so much happiness. You know those moments of pure clarity and perfection? (I think for guys, this is post-orgasm.) I totally had one right then and I had barely had anything to drink.
But finally my friends came back and we all met up to see Lady Leshurr. If you missed her today you should seriously smack yourself in the face. You are an idiot. You should have your wristband cut off. Seriously, if you didn’t see Leschurr, I’m convinced you make really bad choices in life. Your parents probably hate you. I’m so sorry to everyone else but she was the best performance of Secret Solstice. I’ve listened to her before but I never really “got” it until I saw her live. Now I completely understand.
Ok, let’s get real, I have such a crush on her. Is she single? Can we date? She is so perfect, so articulate, such a good rapper, and plus, she is super hot. I’m actually listening to her right now. But anyway, I have never seen the crowd crazier during Secret Solstice. I felt like everyone knew every word and had just been waiting months to see her. Leshurr even split the crowd in two into what appeared to be a wall of death. Yes, she literally made all those little “cool” 101 kids form a mosh pit. I was massively impressed. You go, Lady Leshurr.
After Leshurr I had a little downtime. I had no idea why this happened but I just got so drunk randomly. You can ask my friends, I was rolling in the grass. Literally rolling around. Like who does that? I watched my snapchats later and I was like, why Hannah? You’re not cool. Why do you do stupid things? I also saw this guy I used to date during this interlude. Why couldn’t he see me doing something cool? I think it was God trying to humble me.
Anyway, during this period I also went to see Glacier Mafia at Fenrir. I had no idea what to expect—are the other members of Glacier Mafia going to rap? Who are the other members? How do you become a member? Is their an initiation process? I once asked someone at Prikið if I could join and they told me I “…wasn’t ready.” What does that mean? Do you just have to buy one of their shirts? Do you have to kill someone? Is there an effing rival rap mafia in Iceland? I don’t think so. So many questions.
Well I got the answer: The Glacier Mafia performance was actually a bunch of unreleased material by GP. It was an insane show. I’m pretty sure GP was wearing a Vaginaboys mask. As well, Fenrir is such an intimate venue that everyone was squished up together super tight. I danced so much. I hope I can do it again soon (if GP doesn’t ban me from all subsequent performances after reading my article.) Let’s pray. *prayer hands emoji*
Ok, now before we go on, I’m going to calmly state that I chose not to see Radiohead. Why? Because the only album I have by them is “The Bends” and I totally love that album but I don’t know any other songs by them except for “Creep”, which they don’t play live, so what’s the point? Maybe they play one song I know? Why would I see them when I could see…
Oh yea, baby. We’re talking about my boys. I’m going to call Arnar and Helgi my boys even though we really don’t know each other all that well. But whatever, bara ég og strákarnir. What are they going to do, hit me?
Anyway, I know every Úlfur Úlfur song. I really like them. I mean, I previously wrote what is essentially a love letter to them, so you know I’m a fan.
I’m kind of embarrassed but I missed the first half of their performance cause I was having serious girl talk behind the porta-potties. Doesn’t that sound sketchy? It wasn’t. We were totally bonding. You know how drunk-girl bonding goes.
Yea, that’s the caveat of this part of the review. If I was drunk writing the review yesterday, Jesus Christ, I was so drunk during Úlfur Úlfur. When I get drunk, I get really enthusiastic, and this time, I was being so fangirly that I went on someone’s shoulders and did a lot of Eminem-esque hand gestures. I really hope no one saw me. Or if they did see me, please message me and tell me if I looked cool (my Facebook (remember that Aron Can 😉 ) (oh god, I’m still a pedophile..) ).
Anyway, right as I got there, the wolves were joined by none other than Emmsjé Gauti for a few songs. Did you know he lives below me? Like literally, if I yelled really loud right now, he might hear. I mean, it’s 6 am so hopefully he’s asleep or at a dope afterparty so maybe he won’t. Yup, that’a fun fact about my life.
I love that the three of them have a song called #Nett. That song is going to relevant forever. Ok, I’m so sorry Arnar and Helgi for that joke. Forgive me. You guys know I love you, but you made a song title a hashtag. Can we please smile at that together?
Nett is also my favourite Icelandic word. I always use it incorrectly. Like when I see a cute boy, I’m like, “Hey hottie, you are so nett.” I’m still so confused as to why I’m single.
Another fun fact—do you know how I first “met” the guys in Úlfur Úlfur? Someone sent them a snapchat of me like, not in appropriate clothing, “rapping” Tarantular. Why am I sharing this on the internet? Who knows. Anyway, I was talking to them after the show and I brought it up, hopeful that things like this happen to them all the time but it turns out, no, apparently they rarely receive snapchats like that so it was fresh in their minds. We laughed about it. Inside, I cried about it.
Actually wait, I just remembered something else. Arnar’s girlfriend, whose name I totally don’t know, talked to me after the show and told me she saw me on someone’s shoulders dancing. So maybe she could tell me if I looked cool. She’s so pretty and she wears a lot of Adidas. Good job Arnar. You go Arnar.
Wow, ok, so we’re at this point in the review. Things are devolving. Uh, Action Bronson was totally mediocre. Oh! Today, someone sent me this video of Helgi Úlfur rapping when he was like 15 and Jesus, he’s so cute. He has a bowl haircut. I really want to post it but I don’t want to make him upset cause I would not want anyone to bring up a video of me when I was 15. I was super lame then. He was definitely not lame though. Ok that’s the end of the wolf talk. Just know the video exists.
I really want to write about Hell and everything but it’s so late and my eyes are getting all foggy. I love Hell because I love to dance. Isn’t that interesting? No, it’s not. What’s that line in the Rottweiler song? Yo so fokking foreign nala nasta lifi? Is that it? That’s how I feel right now. I feel so fokking foreign nala nasta lifi. Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Is there a God? Am I God?
I guess the moral of today is I probably should write these reviews sober and then I wouldn’t face these situations.