Published June 20, 2018
TWO DAYS TO NIGERIA! Here’s the latest burning hot news from the ice-cool confines of Camp Smite.
“The Berginator” muscle tear confirmed
Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson has torn a muscle in his calf, but critically, his World Cup is not over. Iceland assistant coach Helgi Kolviðsson confirmed the news in a press conference today, adding that “it remains a question” whether the winger will be ready for the Nigeria game in Volgograd on Friday. Jóhann Berg will now be assessed on match-day, giving him every chance to prove his fitness in the meantime. Should he be too much of a risk, coach Heimir has several warriors-in-waiting to deploy; Rúrik Gíslason is the like-for-like replacement, but Jón Daði Böðvarsson and Albert Guðmundsson will also be desperate to stake their claim for a place in the starting eleven smiters.
— ESPN FC (@ESPNFC) June 20, 2018
“Wild Claws” and “The Arctic Fox in the Box” among Round One’s top rated
Hannes Þór Halldórsson and Alfreð Finnbogason have been recognised as two of Matchday One’s top performers. Their marauding displays against Argentina earned Hannes a rating of 8.26/10 on the BBC’s fan player rater, making him the third-highest rated player overall, while Alfreð turned in an 8.02, making him the fifth-highest rated. Only Mexico’s Hirving Lozano (8.35) and Spain’s Isco (8.33) bested Hannes, while crybaby Cristiano (8.13) took fourth spot. “Wild Claws” was also named in ESPN’s team of the round, which included Harry Kane, Diego Costa and Aleksandr Golovin. Get in there, lads!
“The Siren” deserves his moment in the sun
Our boys have waded into Rúrik Gíslason’s rise to stardom, saying that “he’s finally getting the attention he deserves.” Alfreð Finnbogason told FIFA’s Iceland correspondent Pétur Hreinsson, “we were in the locker room after the game and then he had 70 thousand followers. Then he refreshed and had 75. I don’t know what was happening in South America while the game was on, but this is just good for him and his market value.” After only half an hour or so of exposure, Rúrik is—at the time of writing—on 626,000 Instagram followers. With Jóhann berg out, maybe he can make it a million against Nigeria on Friday.
Our boys shrug off criticism from bore Vasilij Utkin
Professional troll Vasilij Utkin was famously livid about our boys’ approach to the game against Argentina, accusing them of “destroying football.” In today’s press conference, Morgunblaðið reports, Alfreð countered “there is no one way to play football.” He continued, “we could have attacked more and he would have been happy, but we would have lost 5-0. We play our way. People may have an opinion on how we play, but we do not really care.” To the Katie Hopkins of Russian sports reporting, we say stick to what you’re good at; that is falling asleep during Champions League commentaries and getting sacked.
Longboats packed full with insect repellent and sent to Volgograd
After seeing England and Tunisia players eaten alive by midges in Volgograd earlier this week, our boys have stocked up on insecticide before their 15:00 GMT clash with Nigeria on Friday. During the game, a storm of low-flying insects seemed to impair the Three Lions’ sight of the goal; Jesse Lingard, John Stones and Raheem Sterling all missing gilt-edged chances. To avoid the same fate, our boys have reportedly made a special request to FIFA to wear horned helmets, with a detachable steel visor. Although there is nothing specifically in the rulebook prohibiting this, governing body President Gianni Infantino isn’t thought to be keen on the idea.
— PFC CSKA Moscow (@PFCCSKA_en) June 20, 2018
“The Beautiful Death” officially signs for CSKA
Weeks of whispers have finally been followed by an official announcement from CSKA Moscow that Hörður Björgvin Magnússon is their player. His contract will likely be signed following Iceland’s glorious World Cup victory, which may see fans of his new club give him a frosty reception come the beginning of the new season. The move marks an end to “The Beautiful Death’s” spell in England with Bristol City, where he made 61 appearances in a two-year spell and became a fans’ favourite. The former Juventus man will now be aiming to help his new side in the Champions League and to regain the Russian title, after losing out to city rivals Lokomotiv last year. Udachi, Hörður!
Portugal fans appropriate Viking Clap
During their side’s 1-0 victory over Morocco today at the Luzhniki Stadium, Portugal fans could be seen appropriating the Viking Clap, after Iceland fans themselves appropriated it from Scottish club Motherwell. The move from supporters of the Iberian nation gives the ritual a new, continental flavour and sees Cristiano Ronaldo further embrace Nordic culture. This comes after he adopted Iceland’s “small mentality” by celebrating his team’s opening 3-3 draw against Spain. The current World Cup top scorer also visited Iceland in March with girlfriend Georgina Rodriguez. Steady on son, you’ll be eating lamb’s testicles for breakfast next.