Culture
Football
#SmiteTheWorld: World Cup Omens From Witches, Entrails, A Magic 8-Ball & More

#SmiteTheWorld: World Cup Omens From Witches, Entrails, A Magic 8-Ball & More

Photos by
Halli Civelek

Published October 10, 2017

After the raging, calamitous, historic homeland victory that saw Iceland smite Kosovo within an inch of their mewling, tawdry lives, we thought it would be wise to—over the coming months—consult the various spirits, oracles, witches, animals, decks of mysterious cards, omens, entrails, tea leaves, necropants, and The Grapevine Magic 8-Ball to find out what the gods have in store for the horde. Here’s what we discovered so far.

1. Sólla The Strange
Despite being a mysterious völva who lives in a hut in the foothills of Langjökull, Sólla The Strange does keep a Nokia 3310 handy in case of emergency. We sent her a text to see what visions she’s had since our vicious, riotous smashing of the Kosovan tribe. Sólla texted back an hour later, saying she’d ventured outdoors to look into a pool of clear glacial meltwater. As she sank into a trance, it clouded over, and she was taken to a dark room where a squat, misshapen dwarf-like figure sat with his head clasped in his hands. It’s only speculation, but we interpret this as a vision of Wayne Rooney. Will Iceland once again face the prancing millionaire manboys of England on the field of war? Time will tell.

2. The Entrails
We asked our interns to dismember a chicken this morning in order to read its entrails for a glimpse of our footballing future. After a gruesome half hour of searching, the chicken’s liver was located. Our interns compared it to the dusty entrails reading chart we bought on eBay, but they were a) nauseous, b) visibly shaken, and c) thus unable to divine the future. It also made a real mess in the office—we’ll designate a formal entrails-reading area next time, rather than using our graphic design guy’s desk. Also, the interns are new to this, having mostly studied journalism and not witchcraft, anatomy or divination, so we’ll give them a week to study and try this again later.

3. Peter The Puffin
Peter the Puffin, the Icelandic team’s “lucky charm,” is rumoured to issue advice on a full moon. With the full moon in Aries having just passed, Peter apparently squawked into Heimir Hallgrímsson’s ear: “The joining of Mars and Venus around this full moon will help you to believe in yourself, and achieve your goals.” Heimir asked: “To achieve… goals?” But Peter did not reply, having already lost his ability to speak in the human tongue. The next full moon is November 4th. Stay tuned.

4. The Elves
We contacted Magnús The Medium to see if he’d been in touch with the Elven parliament lately. He informed us that he’s due for a pilgrimage there in the coming weeks, but his main correspondent is currently on sick leave, so he doesn’t yet have an appointment, but when he gets one, he’ll ask what the word is about Iceland’s World Cup chances.

5. The Grapevine Magic 8-Ball
We asked the Grapevine Magic 8-Ball: “Will our brave clansmen fulfil their prophetic destiny and carry home the World Cup from the frozen wasteland of Russia?” It replied: “It’s certain.”

So, as you can see, the signs so far are positive, but also inconclusive, with much still to be learned. Stay tuned for further #SmiteTheWorld Omen Specials, and follow us on Twitter for updates.

Read more football stories here.


Culture
Football
#SmiteTheWorld: Icelandic Football Team Hits New High In FIFA Rankings

#SmiteTheWorld: Icelandic Football Team Hits New High In FIFA Rankings

by

The squabbling sewing circle of FIFA have deemed this month, in their continuing infinite wrongness, that the Icelandic national men’s

Culture
Football
#SmiteTheWorld: Now That’s What I Call Smiting Edition

#SmiteTheWorld: Now That’s What I Call Smiting Edition

by and

As the old Icelandic proverbs go: “smite waits for no man” and “the smiting horde gathers no volcanic moss.” With

Culture
Football
Meet The Smiters: Hannes Þór “Wild Claws” Halldórsson

Meet The Smiters: Hannes Þór “Wild Claws” Halldórsson

by

Hannes Þór Halldórsson is more than just Iceland’s goalkeeper; he is the nation’s last line of defence and last bastion

Culture
Football
Smite The Winter: Icelanders Play Football On Frozen Lake In -8°C

Smite The Winter: Icelanders Play Football On Frozen Lake In -8°C

by

Reykjavík’s Tjörnin pond freezes over completely in winter. The ice is thick enough to walk over, and it becomes a

Culture
Football
#SmiteTheWorld: Iceland Rout Indonesia 6-0 Amidst Apocalyptic Downpour

#SmiteTheWorld: Iceland Rout Indonesia 6-0 Amidst Apocalyptic Downpour

by

The Icelandic men’s national football team inflicted a mighty thrashing on Indonesia’s select XI today in a “friendly” pre-World Cup

Culture
Football
#SmiteTheWorld: Men’s National Football Team Invades Indonesia

#SmiteTheWorld: Men’s National Football Team Invades Indonesia

by

Iceland’s raging, monstrous army of murderous footballing warlords will decimate Indonesia this week in a daring raid on the 286m-strong

Show Me More!