Published October 10, 2017
After the raging, calamitous, historic homeland victory that saw Iceland smite Kosovo within an inch of their mewling, tawdry lives, we thought it would be wise to—over the coming months—consult the various spirits, oracles, witches, animals, decks of mysterious cards, omens, entrails, tea leaves, necropants, and The Grapevine Magic 8-Ball to find out what the gods have in store for the horde. Here’s what we discovered so far.
1. Sólla The Strange
Despite being a mysterious völva who lives in a hut in the foothills of Langjökull, Sólla The Strange does keep a Nokia 3310 handy in case of emergency. We sent her a text to see what visions she’s had since our vicious, riotous smashing of the Kosovan tribe. Sólla texted back an hour later, saying she’d ventured outdoors to look into a pool of clear glacial meltwater. As she sank into a trance, it clouded over, and she was taken to a dark room where a squat, misshapen dwarf-like figure sat with his head clasped in his hands. It’s only speculation, but we interpret this as a vision of Wayne Rooney. Will Iceland once again face the prancing millionaire manboys of England on the field of war? Time will tell.
2. The Entrails
We asked our interns to dismember a chicken this morning in order to read its entrails for a glimpse of our footballing future. After a gruesome half hour of searching, the chicken’s liver was located. Our interns compared it to the dusty entrails reading chart we bought on eBay, but they were a) nauseous, b) visibly shaken, and c) thus unable to divine the future. It also made a real mess in the office—we’ll designate a formal entrails-reading area next time, rather than using our graphic design guy’s desk. Also, the interns are new to this, having mostly studied journalism and not witchcraft, anatomy or divination, so we’ll give them a week to study and try this again later.
3. Peter The Puffin
Peter the Puffin, the Icelandic team’s “lucky charm,” is rumoured to issue advice on a full moon. With the full moon in Aries having just passed, Peter apparently squawked into Heimir Hallgrímsson’s ear: “The joining of Mars and Venus around this full moon will help you to believe in yourself, and achieve your goals.” Heimir asked: “To achieve… goals?” But Peter did not reply, having already lost his ability to speak in the human tongue. The next full moon is November 4th. Stay tuned.
4. The Elves
We contacted Magnús The Medium to see if he’d been in touch with the Elven parliament lately. He informed us that he’s due for a pilgrimage there in the coming weeks, but his main correspondent is currently on sick leave, so he doesn’t yet have an appointment, but when he gets one, he’ll ask what the word is about Iceland’s World Cup chances.
5. The Grapevine Magic 8-Ball
We asked the Grapevine Magic 8-Ball: “Will our brave clansmen fulfil their prophetic destiny and carry home the World Cup from the frozen wasteland of Russia?” It replied: “It’s certain.”
So, as you can see, the signs so far are positive, but also inconclusive, with much still to be learned. Stay tuned for further #SmiteTheWorld Omen Specials, and follow us on Twitter for updates.
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