A Chick Who Checked Out Porn

How did you get the job of being a porn movie critic?
(laughing) Actually, it was purely accidental. I was hanging out one day with a friend of mine who worked for Bleikt&Blátt, and we decided to go check out a sex store. As we were looking at the porn flicks, we decided it’d be cool if we’d watch them and rate them accordingly. My friend pitched the idea to the editor of Bleikt&Blátt, who gave us the green light. I think he liked the concept of “Chicks checking out porn.” That’s how we landed the job.

As an experienced porn movie critic, tell us, what makes a porn movie good?
The plot. If a porn movie has a plot that’s good enough to make the viewer forget for a moment that they’re watching porn, it’s a big plus. I once saw a movie called Frankenstein’s Castle or something along those lines. It was utterly ridiculous, the main actor was painted green and slept with anything that moved in the castle. It was a very entertaining movie, and yet almost embarrassing.

So the level of entertainment was the biggest factor when you rated a movie?
Yes. That, and whether or not the movie was educational. I personally learned a lot from watching porn. It teaches you the right techniques. I recommend that women watch more porn. I’m sure it’d help them overcome their prudery, which I think holds a lot of women back from enjoying sex to the fullest. I know a lot of girls who secretly dig porn, but go: “Oh my god, that’s so disgusting, so degrading for women” and so on. From my point of view, it doesn’t have to be that way. It just depends on how you look at it.

Is there anything else, specifically, that you think women could learn from watching porn, prudery aside?
Yeah, for example, how to suck a dick properly. There’s a certain way to go about doing that, a way that works. You can easily pick up the right methods by watching porn.

Did your job feel weird, to begin with – or was it something that you were comfortable with right away?
In the beginning, my friend and I watched and rated the flicks together. She stopped doing it after a while, so I ended up alone. At first, we thought it was hilarious. It was never awkward or anything. But after a while, it became just another job. Business as usual.

What about the acting? Did that influence your critique?
Not really. The only thing I noted was if the actress or actors weren’t into what they were doing. It’s something I picked up on pretty strongly. If the people involved in the making of the movie aren’t into it, then the audience won’t get into it either. It’s really that simple.

Did watching porn ever desensitize you to sex?
Not to sex, no. It did affect my sense of reality, though. Remember that episode of friends when Joey and Chandler almost lose their grip upon watching too much free porn? It was like that. I’d be in the copying room at work, thinking to myself: “How come nobody barges in and…. Y’know what I mean? I’d be standing in line at the bank, and if nobody hit on me, I’d be like: “Doesn’t he find me attractive?” It was a bit twisted.

Were you in a relationship at the time?
No, but I found that I was more popular amongst men who knew what I did for a living. They were like: “Whoa! Dude!” I swear, I sensed more respect from men as a result. Men would really like to share more aspects of porn with women, if women in general weren’t so prudish about it.

Did you become less of a prude yourself?
No, I’ve never really been one. I’ve always enjoyed watching porn, or I never would’ve gotten into the job in the first place.

So now, after you’ve quit criticizing porn, do you ever feel the urge of popping a flick into the VCR?
Not really, I think I’ve used up my quota for the time being. But I do own a porn movie, so if the moment is right and I’m with a certain someone under the right circumstance, I’d go for it. It’s my “in case of emergency – break glass” movie. (she laughs)

Did it ever occur to you that the actors and actresses in porn are doing it out of desperation, perhaps to support a drug habit?
Yes, especially once when I came across a triple dip movie. (Note – “dip” refers to penetration). It was disgusting. Once or twice during the movie, the lead actress complained and asked her co-actors to stop, but they just shut her up. It was basically rape. That’s when I thought she might be an addict, or a sex trafficking victim. I felt terrible after watching that movie.

How important is the role of music in porn movies?
(laughing) It’s incredibly important! What’s up with the eighties music? A porn movie with good music is a better porn movie altogether. The music should be enticing and fitting, something that stays in the background and doesn’t assault your senses.

Isn’t music becoming less prevalent in porn?
Yes, movies produced after 1998 seem to have less music in them. Don’t know why that is.
Numerous surveys say that 80% of porn actresses have experienced sexual violence at some point in their lives. Did you know that?
No, I wasn’t aware of that.

If you had been aware of this fact, do you think you would’ve felt differently about watching porn?
No, not really. I’d like to believe that everyone has a choice in life, regardless of what has happened to them. It is what I live my own life by, and I’d like to believe it’s true for most people.

What’s your favourite porn movie of all time?
I don’t remember the name of it. It takes place in an Italian mansion, the scenery was really cool, the plot was consistent and the men were delicious. Not the gross, hairy guys with moustaches. I can’t remember for the life of me what it was called.

Favourite porn star?
Rocco. He’s fabulous. Just plain cool.

Porn mainly targets men. Are there any movies you recommend for women especially?
I don’t know, maybe movies that aren’t rough? I’d say softer porn, porn that borderlines being porn. My theory is that all women have the potential of digging porn. However, it might be easier for them to get into the scene by starting off with watching the softer stuff. It’s also easier to admit that you like that, as opposed to hardcore porn.

What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in a porn movie?
(laughing) The movie about the Japanese guy and his gimp! It was called Tokyo Lollipop. Basically, it had a guy with a fat, little gimp on a leash, surrounded by Japanese chicks dressed in an Amish-gone-bad outfit. The guy dragged the gimp around while having his way with all of the chicks. Eventually, the poor little gimp got a blowjob from one of the chicks, but she was less than happy about having to do it. It was the weirdest shit I’ve seen.

I almost expected to hear something even weirder, to tell you the truth.
Oh, I’m almost forgetting, I once saw a foot fetish movie. That was utterly strange. It had these women in bikinis rubbing their feet in a very sensual way. To top it all off, they brought out vibrators and started rubbing them against their feet. The whole thing was only 20 minutes long, because there’s not a whole lot more you can do with this material. It was bizarre, to say the least.

Finally – do you think porn movies could still turn you on?
Yep. The right kind of movie could definitely do it for me.