Well, You Asked: This One Is For My Haters

Stuck in a tricky situation? Don’t worry, Grapevine’s advice column is here to help you.

How many Instagram followers do you need to be considered an influencer?

Why? Do you want to be some kind of semi-famous shill for capitalist giants who promise you the world but give you nothing but money and free stuff?
If so, the answer is approximately 10,000. But they have to be real people, and they have to share your content. So sure, buy followers, but don’t expect flat-tummy tea or hair pills to give you free stuff if your engagement rate is like 2%. Disgusting.

Are you guys some sort of radical left-wing rag?

That depends on your definition of left-wing. If your definition of left-wing is common sense politics that benefit everyone, embracing our role in reversing climate change, and peaceful activism against fascism and tyranny, then no, we are not a left-wing rag.

We have two divisions here at the Grapevine: the news writing division, and the molotov cocktail division*. That’s how we make the news. Unfortunately, no shops will sell us lighters or matches, so we can’t actually do anything with the molotov cocktails we make. They’re all collecting dust in the corner of our office, nearly blocking the door to the toilet.

We had to lay off the guy who made them. He’s out there all alone, wandering the streets of Reykjavík, asking people for a light but everybody vapes now, so he remains out of luck.

*Disclaimer: we don’t actually have any molotov cocktails. We really do believe in peaceful activism against fascism and tyranny. (Editor’s Note: “Speak for yourself, Sam.”)