Horror-Scopes: Taurus, You Nasty Witch

In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists give you their mystical insights on how to live a long and fulfilling life. Think of us as psychic grandmas. We love you.

Aries
Your best friend isn’t actually vegan. She’ll never admit to it, the moment she puts her phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’ mode, she starts stuffing her face with Worcestershire sauce. Tomorrow night, at approximately 21:45, call her twice in a row to interrupt this slaughter-fest. She needs an intervention and God has called on you, you plant-based goddess.

Taurus
Taurus, you nasty bitch.

Gemini
Gemini, you’re losing it, so we’re going to vocalise your thoughts for you: It makes absolutely no sense that in ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire,’ Barty Crouch Jr.—disguised as Mad-Eye Moody—can see Harry while he’s under the invisibility cloak. Isn’t the cloak a mf deathly hallow designed to elude Death? Does Crouch have powers that Death does not???? Apparently!!!! We’re upset too, so please use the upcoming weeks to start your campaign. We’re sure Reddit will be all about it.

Cancer
Cancel your wedding. He’s garbage. Keep the wedding dress though, it’ll come in handy for your upcoming ‘Runaway Bride’ LARPing session. You’ll be the belle of the field.

Leo
Do your laundry more regularly and maybe you’ll finally feel better about yourself. Make your bed, too. Clean sheets, clean mind and all that. While you’re at it, how about you finish that degree of yours before you start something new? Also, the plants on your window sill behind you are dying. Again. Get your life together dude.

Virgo
Eat beans, like just fuck loads of beans. We once read that a can of beans a day will make you live til you’re 105 or something—it’s advice we live by and you should too. Wooo beans!!!

Libra
That skin isn’t gonna stay smooth forever so for the love of God, MOISTURISE.

Scorpio
Let me be real with you Scorpio. A lot of things in this life don’t make sense. Supernatural is on its 15th season, some people drink water-based hot chocolate and Arkansas is pronounced like that. It’s a mad scary world and sometimes all you can do is take a nap. Let me get you a blanket.

Sagittarius
Telling you this with love, but your banana bread recipe sucks. For your next tea party maybe opt for an easy mix pack of brownies.

Capricorn
Buy a TV. We don’t know why, but we anticipate you’ll be spending a lot more time in your house soon. Why? Parasitic worms.

Aquarius
This is an intervention. Playing Taylor Swift’s ‘folklore’ on repeat is not an adequate substitute for a personality, or therapy for that matter too. But we ain’t gonna lie—it’s fucking fantastic. (“Betty” <3!!!)

Pisces
You know when your mum told you that that girl—the really pretty and popular one who never invited you to her parties—was just jealous of you? Yeah, she was lying. That boy who was constantly throwing pencils at your head in class, guess what? No, he didn’t fancy you. Sorry to break it to you, your mum is a big fat liar. Time to grow up Pisces.

For past Horror-Scopes, click here.