Well, You Asked: Surrogating Your Succulent

Got a burning question? In desperate need of advice? We at the Grapevine are here to help.

I don’t know what to do with my 300k Harry Potter slash fanfics now that J.K. Rowling has come out as a TERF. Help me, Grapevine!

Keep them! Expand them! Build your story, make the universe your own. Make it as gay or as anything else as you want! Be the change you wish to see in the (wizarding) world. J.K. Rowling may have created the Harry Potter universe, but your imaginings are yours to manage, develop and preserve as you wish. And you’re not alone in your disappointment with the author: Daniel Radcliffe came out in support of the trans community as well, showing love really is the only way to defeat bigotry—and the Dark Lord. (Sometimes it really feels like the actors got their characters better than she did, no?)

How can I be a good parental figure to my houseplants?

Be warm, but stern when needed. Hang their art up on the fridge and tell them they did a good job. Compliment their photosynthetic progress. Be encouraging, but don’t spoil them. And although people tend to shy away from giving children caffeine, coffee beans in their soil will help them grow.

My cat suffers from seasonal depression. Any advice on living with a forlorn feline?

Catnip, catnip, more catnip, and a little dash of extra catnip. Keep your stash of that good kitty kush well-stocked and send your feline friend on a magical journey surfing over rainbows and noshing on grade-A chow with the Bengal hunk of their dreams. Bonus points if they can spot, or better yet, kick it with Bastet, the ancient Egyptian cat goddess of the home (whose sacred status modern cats seem to think still applies to them).

Send your previously unsolvable questions to grapevine@grapevine.is for some award-winning advice.

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