Horror-Scopes: PISCES IS KING

In HorrorScopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists breaks down your upcoming weeks based on shit like Venus.

Aries
How do crickets know if they’ve told a good joke? Just some food for thought for your next bathroom session.

Taurus
Things to journal about: “The quiet pain of being unloved.”

Gemini
You’ll find yourself contemplating why it’s called a toothbrush, when ideally you have several teeth in your mouth. Don’t spend to much time on it, this is going nowhere.

Cancer
If you don’t read at least three of Andi Snær’s books before the new year, ominous things approach. If you do, you’re guaranteed to impress some hottie at Kaffibarinn in loose black clothing. Win-win.

Leo
A band at Airwaves impresses you. You follow them on Instagram. They don’t follow you back, but what were you expecting? You don’t even FaceTune your selfies, you ugly punk.

Virgo
The month ahead will be much like the last season of ‘Lost’: controversial, divisive, and strangely religious. Friends might doubt that you ever knew what you were doing, and ask you questions like: Why wasn’t Michael in the church??? It’ll all end up OK, but stay away from lottery tickets.

Libra
Countess Malaise’s new album will provide the soundtrack for an important moment in your near future. A birth? A death? A religious awakening? Only time—and vinyl pants—can tell.

Scorpio
It’s your birthday month! Celebrate with the tasting menu at Dill—oh wait, you spent all your money on that new iPhone, which will definitely not be outdated in a year. Why have one camera when you could have three?

Sagittarius
‘Game of Thrones’ creators David Benioff and Dan Weiss were hired in February 2018 to create the next Star Wars trilogy. They allegedly subsequently sped up the end of their hit show so they could start working on it. That said, they recently “left” the project. Is this the result of the last two seasons of GoT being so shoddy that Disney could no longer trust them to do anything well? We believe so. Karma’s a bitch, so put in effort, Sag.

Capricorn
Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Hussein Obama recently came out against callout culture. Hmm, pretty fishy from a man who released a fake birth certificate.

Aquarius
If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay away from Þingvellir. The old gods are out for blood, and they will take it from any wayward traveller born under Aquarius. You have been warned.

Pisces
Oh Pisces, stop pretending you like the new Kanye West album. No one does.

Want a detailed Horror-scope reading? Tweet us your moon sign, blood type and current distance from Kaffibarinn and we’ll do our best to get back to you.