#IcelandSmites: Let The Battle (Re)Commence

And then there were two. The Premier League is one Viking general light after Aron Gunnarsson’s departure to Qatar, leaving Everton’s Gylfi Sigurðsson and Burnley’s Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson bearing the burden of English omni-obliteration in 2019/20. Needless to say, they are hungrier and more bloodthirsty than ever in their pursuit of a global Norse theocracy to rule the lands, skies and seas. Here’s what the deadly duo got up to in phase one of this year’s battle … plus a spiritual intervention on behalf of one of their fallen comrades.

Jói degrades unsaintly Southampton in 3-0 smashing

Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson provided plenty of sauce for the chip on his manager’s shoulder as his Burnley team swept aside a sorry Southampton at Turf Moor. The scores were level until Ashley Barnes’ 63rd minute opener sparked a rare flurry of goals for the home side. The Austria u20 international doubled The Clarets’ lead just seven minutes later before “The Berginator” capped off the victory with a merciless finish past Saints keeper Angus Gunn. After finding opportunities limited at the back end of last term, the wing wizard took no prisoners when staking his claim for a regular starting berth in the new season. Let’s all raise a glass of mead to the pillaging to come.

Gylfi banks energy for the great war

Infamous Iceland smitee Roy Hodgson took some steps towards repairing his eviscerated reputation by thwarting “Viking Virtuoso” Gylfi Sigurðsson at Selhurst Park in a 0-0 bore draw. Though our boys’ main man spurned a glaring opportunity early on with an uncharacteristic scuff wide from a Lucas Digne cross, he is, of course, saving his best for the business end of the season, with Everton expected to challenge the top six status of Chelsea and Manchester United. In a worldwide exclusive, the Norse Gods told the Grapevine to expect a 30-yard Gylfi rocket in the weeks to come. Make of that what you will.

Óðinn smites Villa after “Horror Hooves” hatchet job

Tottenham channeled the fury of Óðinn to smite Premier League newcomers Aston Villa 3-1 on their return to the big time, just days after their sadistic release of Birkir Bjarnason. The Villa faithful were hopeful of taking at least a share of the spoils back to Birmingham, having taken the lead on nine minutes through John McGinn. But a Tanguy Ndombele thunderbolt and a late Harry Kane brace ensured that Birkir was avenged in the most brutal and bloody fashion. The Iceland midfielder is now free to find himself a new club, with former club Pescara reportedly interested.