#IcelandSmites: The Return of the King

In a world first, Qatar’s domestic league took precedence over the English Premier League thanks to one man. Iceland’s lionheart, Aron Gunnarsson, returned to the frontline at long last, while his supporting battle captains, as ever, did not go quietly into that good night. Without further ado, here’s how the smiters have been quenching their bloodthirst in recent weeks:

Un-tanned iceman condemns Al Ahli to abyss

The king has returned. Aron Gunnarsson made his long-awaited league debut for Al Arabi in the Qatar Stars League on Friday, propelling The Red Devils to a 3-1 win against Al Ahli. Aron could have been forgiven for thinking he’d been transported to 2012, when Cardiff owner Vincent Tan changed Cardiff’s home colours from blue to red, with Al Arabi wearing an eerily similar kit to that worn by the Bluebirds.

The face of Heimir Hallgrímsson in the dugout, as opposed to Malky Mackay, clearly reassured the Iceland captain that he wasn’t in a horrible nightmare, allowing him to pillage without mercy or inhibition. Whispers out of the Middle East say Aron’s next move is to annex Qatar and rename it Greater Iceland. Long live the king.

Gylfi scores scorching (sort of) hat-trick

Iceland talisman Gyfli Sigurðsson completed a hat-trick of games without notching a goal or assist in Everton’s 2-0 smiting away at Aston Villa. The Viking Virtuoso’s long-range, geysir-like piledrivers were nowhere to be seen before he mooched off just after the hour mark, ruining the evenings of millions of fantasy players.

Friday’s defeat against Dean Smith’s newly-promoted Villans capped a mixed start for the Toffees, who now have a win, draw and a loss to their name so far in the Premier League. New additions Moise Kean and Alex Iwobi will surely sharpen Everton’s attacking scythe as they settle into Goodison Park, while, more importantly, giving Gylfi someone other than Theo Walcott to pass to.

Jói’s ice heart cracks as Jiménez salvages late point for Wolves

Only a 97th minute penalty from Raúl Jiménez could prevent Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson’s Burnley side from taking all three points against the Wolves on Sunday, after Ashley Barnes had opened the scoring early on.

Gravel-voiced, worm-eating Burnley coach, Sean Dyche, decided to remove Jói from the firing line with half an hour to play and, ultimately, reaped what he sowed when the Gods duly smote him for his hubris. The draw comes after last weekend’s marginal loss to Arsenal, leaving the Clarets level with Gylfi’s Everton on four points. A civil war is coming.

Snow Leopard cub commits ecocide by joining Dortmund

Blonde bombshell Kolbeinn Finnsson has abandoned his mission to prevent an ecological crisis in Brentford for a hedonistic spell in North Rhine-Westphalia.

The twice-capped Iceland international leaves The Bees after a year in the development side at Griffin Park, and will initially join Dortmund II. Though the move will doubtless come as a disappointment to fellow eco-Viking, Greta Thunberg, Kolbeinn’s stint at the German giants can only be good news for Erik Hamrén and the national team.