Icelandic Football News: Sexy Rúrik Smashes In A Hattrick!

With just a few weeks remaining until the start of the 2019-20 season, the smiters have returned to their clubs to sharpen their axes, make their blood offerings and cast their hexes for the campaign ahead. Here’s the latest Icelandic football news, sent to us directly from all over Europe via our doughty unkindness of messenger ravens.

Sexy Rúrik Strikes

Stone-cold hottie and nuclear bombshell Rúrik “The Siren” Gíslason is the wiliest of bun-wearing man-babes, and his recent pre-season performance for club side SV Sandhausen has set the German second division swooning.

With main man Andrew Wooten heading for Philadelphia, the pulchritudinous winger was given a golden chance to play centre-forward in a friendly game against third-division Sonnenhof Großaspach, and he rewarded the decision with a handsome hat-trick. “It would be wrong to talk of an extreme surprise,” said head coach Uwe Koschinat. “Rúrik is a weapon in the centre, when he has a chance to use his speed.”

The German second division better beware when they see Rúrik racing towards them this season. His hypnotic sapphire-blue eyes and Timotei-silky mane distracted the entire world during the last World Cup, so a second division goalie stands no chance. JR

Jón Daði to roar at The Den

Jón Daði Böðvarsson has finished licking his wounds after an injury-smited 2018/19 season at Championship strugglers Reading, and is back on the hunt. He left The Royals recently for Millwall after two seasons at the Madejski Stadium after fifty appearances that yielded 14 goals, having previously been ousted from reaching his true destiny as a world-famous striker by dodgy Jorge Mendes at Wolves in 2017.

The Iceland forward said upon joining The Lions that he liked the club’s “vision” and “ambition”—something that will hopefully see them finish higher than 21st in the table next season. We have a sneaking feeling that this clear-eyed, laser-guided giant will dominate the box for Millwall, and have their fans calling him “The Daði” by this time next year. GR

Jóhann Berg blown away by stellar Burnley signing

As if playing for Burnley under Sean Dyche wasn’t glamorous enough for Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson, he was greeted by a new signing—Stoke and Netherlands reject Erik Pieters—upon his return to pre-season training.

A sometime attacking mainstay for Burnley, Jóhann Berg assisted six times and scored three in 2018/19, and has been one of the club’s more lively attacking players, famed for his darting runs down the wing. As one of three Icelanders in the Premier League this season, he’s also carrying the flag for Icelandic football on the big stage of European football.

However, playing at Burnley isn’t the most glamorous job in the Premier League. To distract him from his own deafening internal screams of “please get me out of this shithole,” Joí has to fight for his place in the Burnley starting eleven, after being displaced by fast-rising prodigy Dwight McNeil in the latter stages of last season. And if that doesn’t happen, at least he can jump in the car when the youngster inevitably secures a move to a big club. GR

Alfreð named as Lewandowski heir-apparent

Robert Lewandowsi may be the Bundesliga’s top scorer, but the league’s official website ran a story recently about the people vying to snatch his crown this season. Featured, of course, was none other than gimlet-eyed poacher Alfreð Finnbogason. Sidelined for half of last season, he still managed to score 10 times in his 17 appearances, meaning he’s snapping at the heels of Lewandowski’s goals-per-game ratio. Watch out Robert, Alfreð is coming for your golden boot—and, possibly, your scalp. JR

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