I <3 U Bónus Avocados

If you’ve ever found yourself pushing your cart through the bright reds and yellows of generic brands at your neighborhood Bónus, thinking to yourself that nothing is real—not this store, not this food, not your life—don’t worry. Even though you’re born to die, even though you’ll only have a few moments in life where you really, truly are “feeling” something, even though you live on this island of overpriced, underripe exports, there’s some good news yet, and it’s hiding in the warmer of the two Bónus walk-in refrigerators: those avocados, man. Iceland’s best-kept secret isn’t some puddle of warm water in the mountains—no, it’s a sack of green-black ovoid fruits imported from Chile and waiting—just for you— under the fluorescent lights in the temple of the lazy-eyed pig. Don’t believe me? Suit yourself; more guac for me. If you’re willing to invest six lumpfish coins and a little patience, however, you’re halfway to rich, creamy, green heaven.

The Bónus avocados are rock-solid on the shelves, a far cry from the mushy ones Hagkaup peddles for a considerable markup (practically unseasoned guacamole in a shell). Make sure you grab the mesh sack; the shrink-wrapped avocados in styrofoam might be good for your compost, but not much else. Weirdly cheap, a Bónus mesh-sack of avocados costs less than you’d find them for in California.

If you crave instant gratification, give up now. Once bought, it can take anywhere from a couple days to a week for these beauts to reach perfection. If you’re not patient enough, stick them in a paper bag with bananas, sit in samadhi for a day or so, then check on them. When they’re supple enough to squish when you squeeze them, stick them in the fridge and they’ll keep for longer than you’d expect. Congratulations, you’ve made it. If you’re a fancy jet setter on one of those cute #MyStopover things in Iceland for three days, you’re out of luck and you’ll never get to try these elf-touched, traditional Icelandic Chilean avocados. Sucks for you! For us here, it’s these little victories that allow us to get by in a country that has no satisfactory salsa offerings.

Clever things you can make with avocados include, but are not limited to: guacamole, face cream, salads, and avocado toast. Here’s a great recipe for avocado toast: make toast, put avocados on it. Salt optional. Wow! You saw it here first!