Horror-Scopes: Your Star Sign’s Spirit Cocktail

Need some insight on which drink to order to appease your astrological inclinations? No worries, we’ve got you covered. The stars aren’t the only thing getting lit tonight.

Aries

It’s always a race with you, Aries, so of course you’re going to want a drink that gets you to the finish line as fast as possible. Ask the bartender for a Long Island Iced Tea, just keep in mind that being the drunkest person at the club isn’t always a victory.

Taurus

Being the most sensual of the signs, your drink is basically anything with St. Germain. The soothing aroma of this distinguished elderflower liqueur will imperceptibly transfer you into that relaxing, serene place you long for.

Gemini

Since the hours of the day don’t seem to be enough for the busy bee that you are, Jägerbomb is the only option for you when it comes to drinking. Just admit it, you need your booze mixed with some Red Bull.

Cancer

Hemingway was an archetypal Cancer. Celebrate being in good company with his famous drink, Death in the Afternoon. Pour a jigger of absinthe into a glass of champagne and, as he suggests, “drink three to five of these slowly.”

Leo

The most attention-seeking of the signs, Leo, your spirit cocktail is literally anything on fire. If the bartender pulls out a long match and lights up that libation, this is the drink for you. It’s a show we’ve rolled our eyes at a thousand times before. Just like you.

Virgo

Your approach to drinking is way too practical to order a fancy cocktail. Beer is your beverage of choice. Stick to the good old lager, trusted to get you going slowly but surely.

Libra

It’s no surprise that Libra is the cocktail most in need of the perfect balance–the classic daiquiri. The most common bartender’s test, its simple ingredients only become elevated when they meet a perfect equilibrium in the glass. Cheers!

Scorpio

Do you feel you’re misunderstood by the other signs? Does it seem like sometimes they just don’t get you? Well, here’s a glass of Kalimotxo—red wine mixed with coke—to soothe your annoyance.

Sagittarius

Always on the quest for spiritual awakening, there’s no better drink for a Sag than the fabled green muse–absinthe. Sipped by some of the most acclaimed artists in history, this spirit is for you. C’est la vie!

Capricorn

Yeah yeah, we get it. You’re too responsible and self-controlled to get wasted. Drink your mocktail in peace.

Aquarius

Aquarius, the mystical healers and humanitarians of the signs. Corpse reviver is your drink of choice, obviously.

Pieces

You’re a wreck, Pisces. Naturally you’re going to want a drink that is as much of an emotional roller coaster as you are, so have a shot (or seven) of tequila. You’ll either dance the night away, cry over your ex’s Instagram or try to fight the bouncer. Maybe all three.